Newsweek - Why get married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Newsweek - Why get married?
132
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:24pm
There are some interesting responses to the Newsweek article on cheating wives which brings up a question? Why do people still want to get married, on the affair support board many are wanting to marry their affair partner and start the perfect life. If you are a male the court system is going to destroy you in a divorce so why keep getting married. Just a note to start, I think there have allways been just about the same amount on cheating women as men (who would the men have sex with, so it has to be about the same). A recent college study with a lie detector showed that women lie about sex questions and that throws off surveys that don't use them. Over all the percent of cheating women and men has increased over the past thirty years as well as the divorce rate. Currently, according to paternity lab results, about 30% of children in divorce cases were not fathered by the husband.

Getting married is a huge gamble with your life and the current success rate is less than 50%. I am currently married and have been for a long time but if I were ever divorced or a young person starting out I don't think I would ever marry. The odds of being betrayed are just too great.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 7:26pm

I'll explain a little further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:02pm
Good point Susan, the courts can be tough on both sexes. Glad you have gotten your life back on track. You seen to have a really good perspective on individual responsibility.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:06pm
I believe you don't betray people you love but then my definition of love is different than yours.


Edited 7/16/2004 12:26 am ET ET by txguy2004
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:27pm
i wonder if the instinct that you speak of is as strong for men as it is for women.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:48pm
Sugar I think the maternal/paternal instinct varies with the individual. I know some men that are very paternal and their wives could almost care less. I have seen women who were the ones that carried the load while the fathers were playing games with their buddies. I think a lot of men are very paternal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:12pm
The Reeves' example was about the wife not being the type to focus on her OWN needs more than the marriage itself.

I have NO problem with her moving on with her life and taking care of herself and her needs, so don't get me wrong if any of you decide that too.

THE DIFFERENCE IS...

...she chose to STAY because she loved him too much to leave. Their marriage wasn't based upon HER needs or HIS needs. It was based on love. In other words, even though she could have had a more fulfilling existence by moving on...

...AND THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT...

...she instead couldn't control the love she has for this guy. THHHHHHAT is the difference between being a couple and being a "married" couple when it comes to us.

NOW, when safety or harmful addictions become threatening concerns, then I'd file for seperation, not divorce. If I felt there was no chance of returning to safe conditions at all, then I could either choose to divorce or remain seperated.

Here's the problem: its too late! I love her too much to divorce. I'll stay seperated till I die if I have to, but I'd never be able to fall in love with anyone else anyway cause I'm too in love with HER, no matter what. THAT is the difference between us being a couple and being married. I'm not with her so long as its better for my life. Nothing wrong with those who do, but then hows that different from being an ordinary couple. Till death do us part...

Thats the difference in our marriage. Jesus loves his bride the same way and has instructed us to love our spouses JUST AS much. No matter how awful we, the church and his bride, can really be at times, he never divorces us anyway. Good thing He is not like many of us are in this world, I can't help but to relate cause thats how I feel about Mrs. Para too.


Edited 7/15/2004 11:25 pm ET ET by para1995

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:09am

I didn't know Jesus got married....


But back to the subject at hand, I pretty much agree with your qualifier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:14am

I can't speak for all men, but my husband's parental instinct is certainly as strong as mine.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 1:53am
The only truly unconditional love I've experienced, to date, is as a mother for my sons. Marriage is a conditional contract and always has been. You stand before witnesses and God and make promises to one another. One of those promises, for US, was to be monogamous.

IF my DH (or I) callously betrayed my trust, I could not stay with him. I would still love him, undoubtedly and hopefully, forgive him, eventually, but the trust and the marriage would be broken. And that's why, if one of us is EVER tempted to stray, then we agree that we owe it to the other to say so BEFORE it happens, out of respect for one another and those vows. That's how important they are to us, otherwise, they're only words. Thankfully, I found a man who values the same things I do.


Edited 7/16/2004 2:04 am ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 1:02pm
"I didn't know Jesus got married...."

RAOFLMHO!!! No no no, LOL, its the Christians who make up the church and its the church that is his bride. LOL! Biblical symbolism.

Anyway, the Biblical example was that we are to love our spouses Jesus loves HIS bride, without limits.

"My only other thoughts (echoing those of a previous poster) are that if your spouse truly loves you, then they won't mistreat you anyway."

YYYYYYYES!!! We ALL know that to be true, so its not YOUR thoughts, but everybody's anyway. You mentioning that tells me, again, that I still haven't gotten my point across. So one more time:

The love I have for Mrs. Para isn't based on how much she loves ME nor on whether or not she even deserves it. I don't love her she hasn't hurt me yet. I don't love her she hasn't betrayed me yet. I don't love her so much of something that fulfills me or I'm safer and better off with her or I couldn't do better for now. If she changes for whatever reason into a non-spouse styled woman, even to the point of being dangerous, then I will be forced to seperate, but that doesn't mean I don't love her anymore--just like parents loves their children no matter how bad they turn out. No matter what the children may do throughout life, they will always be their children. Its THAT that seperates the lady Para from the Mrs. Para in our marriage.

For others, the difference is paper. :(

 

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