Newsweek - Why get married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Newsweek - Why get married?
132
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:24pm
There are some interesting responses to the Newsweek article on cheating wives which brings up a question? Why do people still want to get married, on the affair support board many are wanting to marry their affair partner and start the perfect life. If you are a male the court system is going to destroy you in a divorce so why keep getting married. Just a note to start, I think there have allways been just about the same amount on cheating women as men (who would the men have sex with, so it has to be about the same). A recent college study with a lie detector showed that women lie about sex questions and that throws off surveys that don't use them. Over all the percent of cheating women and men has increased over the past thirty years as well as the divorce rate. Currently, according to paternity lab results, about 30% of children in divorce cases were not fathered by the husband.

Getting married is a huge gamble with your life and the current success rate is less than 50%. I am currently married and have been for a long time but if I were ever divorced or a young person starting out I don't think I would ever marry. The odds of being betrayed are just too great.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 3:51pm
Infidelity is only one form of betrayal in a marriage. There is also being ignored, disregarded, disrespected, taken advantage of and abused. Inconsideration is any form is a form of betrayal. We promise to honor our spouses (ignoring, abusing, disrespecting, and disregarding our spouses isn't honoring them) in addition to forsaking all others. In addition, betrayal can occur in all types of relationships not only marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 3:58pm
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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 5:13pm
Just want to clarify, that I was not calling *anyone* a spousal abuser.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 9:49pm
And yet they have a male CL here! That is so funny!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 11:26pm
I have read a little bit of the debate, and it seems like most of the people answered against marriage. To be honest, that really hurts. The last time I checked, this life was about choices. People have the right to choose whatever path they feel is best for them, and for some, that means getting married. Even when there are some people out there that think "people" (in general) "shouldn't" get married. I am in my 20's and have a wonderful husband. He is the best friend I ever had. Yes I love him, why is that a bad thing? I chose to marry him, and that is my business and no one else's. If someone else wants to stay single, then that is their choice, but why would you take your bad experiences and blanket them onto everyone else and think that people shouldn't get married? Do you people expect those of us who are happily married to just go get a divorce and never see our spouses again just to please you? Correct me if I am wrong, but the last time I checked, I was responsible only to myself and not to some strangers on the internet. I personally cannot help it if other people chose to marry people that were bad for them. If people out there have had bad marriages, then I am sorry, really I am, but don't think that everyone out there must go through the same thing as you just to make you feel better. Don't tell others how to live their lives.

I married my husband in my mid 20's, and no everything has not been perfect, we have had our ups and downs and our problems. But who doesn't? Marriage is hard, and so is living alone. Life is hard. Getting a JOB is hard. Working at a career or a job takes commitment, and the chances are you won't have that job forever, either. Does that mean people should stop working? Being in a family is hard, whether you are married or not. All relationships are hard, does that mean we should all cut ourselves off from everyone we love? I sure hope not. As many ups and downs as we have had, altogether, my life with my husband has been mostly great. I don't EVEN regret marrying him, and why should I? Just because someone else's husband beat her up? I am sorry for that, but my husband is not like that. I shouldn't have to live my life by other people's demands. I don't OWE certain women ANYTHING just because they had abusive spouses or "jerk" spouses. So sue me, I have a happy marriage. And I am most likely going to stay in that marriage.

I hate the assumption that all women who choose to get married must be depending on the man to take care of them, and that they can't care for themselves. BS!!! I lived alone for over 7 years when I got married. I never got a dime from anyone except from the occasional birthday money from mom and dad. I got my degree while living on my own and even travelled to many different parts of the world either alone or with work. So don't tell me I don't know how to take care of myself!!!

I also hate the assumption that women only get married for the wedding day and not the marriage. We got married at justice of the peace. I hated the idea of the wedding. That was such a bad generalization, I wanted to puke!!

Also, why should I have not gotten married because we "might end up divorced someday"? You know what, I might get laid off from my job someday. Should I have never gotten this job? I might get killed in an accident. Should I never drive again? My mother might die, my friends might move away and never see me again, my dog might get run over, my coworkers might move on. Does that mean I should cut myself off from my mother, my friends, get rid of my dog, and not become friendly with people in the office? So then why should this "gambling" factor mean that I shouldn't have gotten married. BS again!!! Let me tell you- it looks totally unforseeable that we will ever get a divorce. But IF we do, and that is a big IFFFF, then I admit, I will cry for a while. I can't sit here and tell you that it won't hurt, it will. But ultimately, deep down, I will have been better off having been married to him than if I had never met him. That's how wonderful of a person he is. I will have been so thankful for X amount of years with such an awesome person who was my best friend through thick and thin, that it will eventually overshadow any sadness. I will have been an extremely lucky person for having KNOWN him, let alone being married to him. I have been through a lot of pain in my life, and have lost a lot of people and a lot of dreams, and things. But I don't regret having done any of it. To those of you who think "people shouldn't get married", then do everyone a favor and keep that opinion to yourselves, true of your own life. Let others live their lives as they seek fit, and do not overgeneralize. Some of us have made smart choices in who to marry. I apologise if others have not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 8:08am
Good post Tess and thanks for your opinion. You have brought up a lot of good points and more to the point ones that are on target with the original question. The idea in part of this question is cheating on your spouse, I think most of us would agree that it is not a one sided issue and that about the same amount of men are cheating as women. The idea is "why get married", on the affair support board I just read a post from a woman, married to a good man that she loves, he treats her great, they have two wonderful kids, etc. yet she is working out the details of how to cheat on him. If people can not stay true to their marrage partner and need other people after about 7 years of marriage, is it really a good idea. Of course peoples opinion on both sides of the issue are important to a good discussion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 8:51am
Fantastic post Tess!

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 9:16am

<idea.>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 9:45am
Good points Tish. I am just wondering if "what is missing" may be more in the person doing the cheating than in the marriage. A lot of times it seems that the spouse at home is blamed for the affair instead of the person doing it. It is kind of like blaming a rape victim for being raped. I question the logic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 10:19am
Well said, tesspate, excellent points! Sometimes its a matter of reminding, but the trick is to get those who need it to actually listen, huh? Lol.

Txguy, you raised a point that I just had to raise an eyebrow at. I don't know if I read you right in #73, but my personal take on the o.p. was instead of titling this "why get married"...maybe it could have been titled "why stay married"...lol. ;)

interesting

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