Newsweek - Why get married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Newsweek - Why get married?
132
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:24pm
There are some interesting responses to the Newsweek article on cheating wives which brings up a question? Why do people still want to get married, on the affair support board many are wanting to marry their affair partner and start the perfect life. If you are a male the court system is going to destroy you in a divorce so why keep getting married. Just a note to start, I think there have allways been just about the same amount on cheating women as men (who would the men have sex with, so it has to be about the same). A recent college study with a lie detector showed that women lie about sex questions and that throws off surveys that don't use them. Over all the percent of cheating women and men has increased over the past thirty years as well as the divorce rate. Currently, according to paternity lab results, about 30% of children in divorce cases were not fathered by the husband.

Getting married is a huge gamble with your life and the current success rate is less than 50%. I am currently married and have been for a long time but if I were ever divorced or a young person starting out I don't think I would ever marry. The odds of being betrayed are just too great.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 5:52am
That was a beautiful reply to the stay-at-home versus dual-income question. I won't be adding too much to your reply, but I also wanted to add this tidbit. I think another thing to think about when only one spouse is working is, what happens if the spouse who is earning money passes away? Forget the divorce issue for a moment, but our lives as humans are as fragile as twigs. Look at the disaster of 9/11, overnight thousands of men and women became widows and/or widowers. What happens to the spouse that was left behind, especially if the spouse had not been working for so many years (usually the woman). They would have to get back on their feet and look for a job, which isn't easy if you have been out of work for a long time.

I like a certain degree of safety and something to fall back on. I'm not considering the possibility of divorce, I'm just practical in my outlook and know that bad things can happen unexpectedly. My father lost his mother when he was 16 and my boyfriend lost his when he was 7. That's why I like the idea of a dual-income family. I can also see where the stay-at-home parents are coming from, too. Children need someone to stay at home to look after them. For me, it was my grandparents who watched over me when my mom or dad were busy. They were always happy to have me around to play with. :) But I still can understand the point of view stay-at-home parents. Sometimes, there's just no substitute for the presence of a mom or dad at home. As a young child, I know there were times I wished mom and dad were around. This is one of the reasons I am opting to not have children, because I would love to work and not stay at home. In my latter part of my twenties, I see my present and future without kids. But hey, if hubby in the future is willing to stay at home while I work, I'm open to that too. I'm just not a kid type of person. :P

Aria

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:33am
Ahhh, yes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:48am
What about the couples who don't have careers? Who just have JOBS that they have to work at in order to live? DH works in a factory, I work in a Dr's office. They are jobs, not careers, and neither of us is 'climbing' any ladders at work. My mother was a FT lab technician for the state while I was growing up, and neither my sister nor I suffered. We had home cooked meals every night (as my family does now) and spent much time together. And she wasn't Supermom, Career Woman Trying To Do It All. She just had a job.

I agree that *if* mom can stay home and *if* she wants to, then it's great. Unfortunately, it's not an option for everyone. I resent the implications that the family suffers when mom works, but it makes no difference what dad does or how often he's around. And I will say, while I think having a choice nowadays is terrific I also resent the implication that the ONLY thing I should do is make a home in order to have a happy marriage. I think the family is happier when Mom is happy with the choice she made (although working isn't always a 'choice' but some of us learn to deal with it snd are content). It's not better for kids to be home with a Mom who is resentful of being there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:55am
The spring I got married, my grandmother came to visit and she told me "I was very lucky to have a husband who was with me for years and took care of the family. But you should always have some skill or training that would support you and any children, because you do not know what will happen in your life. Don't make the mistake of being dependent on any one person for your survival." She also pointed out that even though she didn't work for wages, she *was* working mother in the store they owned. And that *her* mother worked too, on the farm because her father died when she was relatively young and my great grandmother had 9 kids to raise by herself. She said the idea of mothers working wasn't a new concept, women worked in factories around the turn of the last century, in stores and hospitals and schools.

I'm not this huge advocate of working mothers, but I am an advocate of choice, and of doing what you need to, to provide for your family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 7:34am
Marrage is not really about being married as much as to be able to immediately experience self within selfs thoughts, words and actions (imaginations and deeds). For aeons of time prophets, poets and writters have given the secret to life, its called self-love. Once we open our selves to self love a new world opens and that love we learn is simple how we have chosen to express our being. So in short what you are recieving in your life (like it or not) is simple your love that has been expressed being sent back to us. In short its call the mirror affect. We are all simply mirrors to one another. So IF you desire a better love relationship in your life learn or discover how to love self UNCONDITIONALLY. Then when it returns to you in whatever bodilly form you prefer it is RATHER GLORIOUS.

The way we love ourselves wether good or bad is reflective in and through the partners we draw to us. So if its good then it shows to you or us the type of love we are expressing.


love Jayz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 12:13pm
OK I think getting married is a gamble, but isn't just living with someone for a long period of time? I have been married for 5 years but I have been with him for 11 years total. We got married because his kids and I needed medical insurance oh and of course we loved eachother. But you also have to think that when u are married to someone you have benafits you wouldnt have other wise. You know the important stuff especially if you have kids. You need all the benafits a wife or husband has that a boyfriend or girlfriend does not. And as for the cheeting..... well i can only say that if the man or the women is not getting the attition they need they are going to find it else where. No one is perfect, and with anykind of relationship it takes work and understanding. But in the end even after all the problems we have im glad im married to him. I dont know if i would ever marry again if i was to get divorced or something, only bacause i dont know if i could give myself to someone again. Sometimes i feel like im lost u know (ME). Im just a wife and a mom. So if I was ever not a wife anymore i would concentrait on being a mom and find myself again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 12:30pm
Yasmin I hope that my remarks on this topic clearly communicate that I'm in favor of the choice to stay at home. I'm in favor of the choice period. I had the best of both worlds. I got to work (which is what I wanted to do) and my child had a stay at home parent. I think we women spend way too much time arguing over the issue of SAHM vs working mom and not enough time arguing for protection of the SAHM should the relationship end and exceptional daycare for the mom that works.

In your case, you are a brave woman. But then is anyone on here surprised about that? I doubt it. But I don't believe that your choice to stay at home should mean that you take the risk of being abandoned and left financially disadvantaged. But I guess that is a topic for another board. Unfortunately those kind of boards generally only discuss one side of this issue and discourage the other side. We need a board where we talk about women's right to choose and protecting these women and their children.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 12:54pm
Very special thanks to CLs edifyandsharpen and alliec10 for helping put this string together. Thank you both!

cl-issytish and I have worked on including the Happily Married message board on this topic. We felt that the Happily Married board had more experience with discussions like this one since that is one of the types of discussions it actually on in the first place.

I am personally digressing the issue from the article that started it to what has now become the main point of this particular string for some time now:

...why would you bother to get married at all?

Please feel free to check the string, started by member txguy2004, and share your views with the experience of those on the Happily Married board why you feel people should or even should not get married...

...or for that matter, if marriage is even worth it at all. Thank you all, hope to continue getting great responses. As always, these are just opinions with no rights or wrongs, just educating each other with different views, perhaps some we might not have thought of.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlhappilymar&msg=17870.1&ctx=0

:)

:)

:)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:18pm
Is there a PERFECT LIFE?

Is there a PERFECT GREEN LAWN?

Is there a PERFECT PERSON?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:21pm
Tally, I was not taking pot shots at how you choose to live your life. You have taken my personal point of view and felt it an attack on how you live. I made *NO* implications about work outside the home mothers, just gave my view from my experiences. And I *DID NOT* make any implication that the family suffers if mom works, just that if the *two* parents both work heavily. If you reread my post, I mentioned how when my kids are all in school I do plan on getting a job. You put words in my mouth about mom maintaining the family while Dad works as many hours as he likes, because I *NEVER* said that. My husband is right now going to school to get a better job, but he has picked one that will work for our family. He knows he needs to be here and put time in, and he's not going to pick a really demanding job because the trade off(time with family) is too high. I am not sure why my post hit a sore spot with you, it wasn't intended to.

Leticia

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