Newsweek - Why get married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Newsweek - Why get married?
132
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:24pm
There are some interesting responses to the Newsweek article on cheating wives which brings up a question? Why do people still want to get married, on the affair support board many are wanting to marry their affair partner and start the perfect life. If you are a male the court system is going to destroy you in a divorce so why keep getting married. Just a note to start, I think there have allways been just about the same amount on cheating women as men (who would the men have sex with, so it has to be about the same). A recent college study with a lie detector showed that women lie about sex questions and that throws off surveys that don't use them. Over all the percent of cheating women and men has increased over the past thirty years as well as the divorce rate. Currently, according to paternity lab results, about 30% of children in divorce cases were not fathered by the husband.

Getting married is a huge gamble with your life and the current success rate is less than 50%. I am currently married and have been for a long time but if I were ever divorced or a young person starting out I don't think I would ever marry. The odds of being betrayed are just too great.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 3:36pm
"The technology changes several times while they are staying at home, then their skills are no longer marketable."

This is my field of work. Yes, it changes(luckily it's slowed somewhat in the past two years), but that doesn't mean that one couldn't keep up. It's your responsibility to remain current and abreast of changes made.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 3:45pm
Men are invited and encourage to participate. There are many men on these boards. The CL just said so. Meanwhile I am wondering just what it is you want to debate.

I just got married for the first time. The father of my daughter was a cheater, and involved father (I raised his kids from when they were 12 until 18), and an emotional abuser. I lived in hell. I lived in it because without me, the kids would have been in a mess.

I am not bitter and think that all men cheat, lie, abuse and want to run away from responsibility.

I just married the greatest man in the world (to me). He doesn't make a lot of money and we are scatching by. He is a handsome construction worker that likes beer and BBQ better than haute cusine. He loves me and shows it in the way he takes care of his family. He also treats me with respect and kisses me a lot.

He is a man who likes life on an even keel and despite going through rough times expect that most people are good at heart even if some are rats.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:03pm
But wouldn't it be wonderful if you could stay at home and not take the risk of being left financially destitute later in life? It just seems to me that there is a way to allow people the choice of staying at home with their kids and still maintaining financial security. I always wonder how many men would like the option of staying at home with their kids. Wouldn't it be nice if that option was more available? And what about the people who both want to work, wouldn't it be nice if they could make that choice and not have to worry about the care their children are receiving? We could work on making any of these choices more desirable rather than arguing over which is the best choice. But there are a number of women who can't seem to realize that the other person's choice isn't a reflection on their own. Usually as illustrated in this thread, when women start to discuss this issue the discussion turns to which choice is the best. We use arguments like whose kids are the happiest and whose house is the cleanest. When the bigger issue is how to make the choice more satisfactory for everyone. It shouldn't be about who made the right choice, it should be about making the choice right for the family.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:08pm
"We NEED both incomes."

Yes, unfortunately, that is the case for many. Although, there are other considerations. Cost of day-care or babysitters. Food(pre-pared as opposed to cheaper, healthier home cooked). Many people find it saves money for one to remain at home.

"What use would I be to anybody staying at home. My daughter is in school until 3:30. Why do I need to be there? We all pitch in to keep the house spotless and yard manicured."

I don't expect my DH to keep the house manicured(except for weekend projects). He also does work on Sundays(paper work), and Saturday is his only day off. My kids were always swamped with schoolwork(the curriculum is tougher than when we were kids) and that was their priority. If they had any extra activities after school, those took precedence over the house. Six hours is not really a lot of time to always do what needs to be done. You also have to consider that it's the ONLY free time a mother has to do what she wants to do for herself as well as the house and everyone else. Kids, home, husband is a 24/7 job. Even if everyone helps with the clean-up(surface cleaning), with many people living in the house(including animals), there's always heavy cleaning projects to be done. Also, you have not accounted for when the children are sick, or when they have a half-day or no school at all. How can a mother work outside the home and take off whenever your kids have off? The long vacations they have INCLUDING ten weeks during the summer? What exactly does a parent do with the summers? The summers and the amount of time the kids had off were the real reason I didn't work outside the home. Even if they were old enough to stay at home alone what kind of summer would that be? They couldn't go anywhere alone?

I was lucky to had had the privilege to SAH, however, I worked on my career as soon as the kids began to need me less, but I just couldn't desert them(yes that's how it felt to me). So, no, my house wasn't a symbol of perfection, but it was organized which helped all of us to function in a healthy manner. I feel that I made the right choice for all of us and would do the exact same thing all over again. My kids, my husband and I needed me to be at home.

P.S. Yes, I've always had a high sex drive, and it wasn't because I wasn't tired. Why being a SAHM is exhausting, and anyone who says it isn't hasn't stayed at home.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:11pm
"women are so bizzare it is extremely difficult to discuss anything with them."

I love to debate. In what way are women bizzare in general. It sounds to me like you are talking about some specific women. I don't resemble them at all. i don't know anyone personally who does.

"American men generally don't have a choice other then to date and marry American women.

They usually don't have the freedom to travel abroad."

I would say that dating someone in your home town is infinitly better than a long distance relationship. Also despite what you say, the woman/man across town is more likely to have similar upbringing and values. I know some men who were so disillusioned with the fact that they couldn't sustain a health relationship that they resorted to internet Russian brides who do anything to get over here. Some men mistakenly think Asian women "know their place" and are subservient.

"What good are the "freedoms" you're referring to when the quality of married life is so low because there is never any peace at home?"

There is peace in my home, my dad's, my brother's, my grandmother's, my MIL's (50 years and counting), my friend sitting next me, etc.

"And who do you think provided those freedoms you enjoy? It certainly wasn't some do nothing idiot housewife, or some lawsuit filing whore!"

I was in the Army for 4 years active. Where were you?

"There is a CRISIS in this country. Families falling apart.. women raising children on their own simply because their selfish morons."

I raised my daugter for 7 years on my own because her father loved to have internet flings and leave his teenage kids (cheated on their mother too) on my hands for weeks at a time. Are you able to get a point across without using foul and just plain mean language? You said earlier that nobody has your wit to debate. Resorting to foul language is not a very intellegent thing to do.

"Men haven't changed over the last 40 years.. women have. But only in the worst of ways. Overall, men still have most of the positions of power, because we own everything."

This statement does not hold water. Some of the richest people in the U.S. are women that have done this on their own. Your emotions make you generalize and exagerate

"Simple. Women were always in middle management, even well before the feminist movement, which is exactly where they are now, only filing lawsuits now, driving businesses overseas, and making everyone's lives miserable."

Give me stats and citations on who files more frivilous lawsuits and we will talk. You are the one responsible for your state of happiness or unhappiness. You are responsible for your own self.

"I'm old enough to know what I'm talking about. You JUST DON"T GET IT. And I cannot understand why women are so clueless."

Im not really clueless. I have a great marriage, a great job and great kids. I'm happy. You are not. Who is clueless?

"It failed! The "feminist" movement failed!"

It didn't in Canada which is where many posters are from.

"That's it, it's over, it was a miserable failure like any experimental social engineering. Wake up."

I'm awake. Are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:35pm
Agree. I think that ideally we should have the luxury of making choices freely without any thought of consequences.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:49pm
That would be great. I happen to sell on Ebay to earn money from home, and I think many careers could be done from home as a home based business. I think that allows for the flexibility of being home and doing your own hours and keeps you fresh in the field.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:00pm
"Yes, unfortunately, that is the case for many. Although, there are other considerations. Cost of day-care or babysitters. Food(pre-pared as opposed to cheaper, healthier home cooked). Many people find it saves money for one to remain at home."

No daycare. I pick my daughter up from school. Non-issue. I always cook at home. We eat out once a month.

I don't expect my DH to keep the house manicured(except for weekend projects). He also does work on Sundays(paper work), and Saturday is his only day off.

My husband LIKES to keep the yard in immaculate shape. I don't expect it.

"Six hours is not really a lot of time to always do what needs to be done."

It's plenty for us. I clean the house for a couple hours on Saturday. We only have 2 bedrooms.

"You also have to consider that it's the ONLY free time a mother has to do what she wants to do for herself as well as the house and everyone else. Kids, home, husband is a 24/7 job."

That's just it. I don't think it is a 24/7 job. I work, go to school, play with my daughter and husband and keep the house. I have plenty of time to read 2 novels a week and to take short trips on the weekends.

"Even if everyone helps with the clean-up(surface cleaning), with many people living in the house(including animals)"

Our animals live outside. Surface cleaning helps to make sure I only spend 2 hours on Saturday.

Also, you have not accounted for when the children are sick"

That's what sick time is for.

"or when they have a half-day or no school at all."

That's what grandpaprent are for. Also she can hand out at the library where I work. It's also a museum.

"How can a mother work outside the home and take off whenever your kids have off?"

Dunno. I've done it for 10 years.

"The long vacations they have INCLUDING ten weeks during the summer? What exactly does a parent do with the summers?"

Summer camp? My daughter rather paint, dance, horseback ride, swim, and play with outher kids than be with me every day. She also goes to my MIL in Montana and her Grandpaprents and vacation bible school, etc.

"The summers and the amount of time the kids had off were the real reason I didn't work outside the home. Even if they were old enough to stay at home alone what kind of summer would that be? They couldn't go anywhere alone?"

Yep. That would be a bummer.

"I was lucky to had had the privilege to SAH, however, I worked on my career as soon as the kids began to need me less, but I just couldn't desert them(yes that's how it felt to me). So, no, my house wasn't a symbol of perfection, but it was organized which helped all of us to function in a healthy manner. I feel that I made the right choice for all of us and would do the exact same thing all over again. My kids, my husband and I needed me to be at home."

Glad you had the choice. Glad it worked for you. I wouldn't have taken that way even if I had the choice. My kids and husband don't need me at home.

"P.S. Yes, I've always had a high sex drive, and it wasn't because I wasn't tired. Why being a SAHM is exhausting, and anyone who says it isn't hasn't stayed at home."

That's good. So do I thank Bob. It wouldn't be exhausting to me with one at home. We'd run out of the work and would have to find outside projects. May as well work.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:09pm
You have a very stereotypical view of foreign women just like you do of American women. i mean, if I were to play biggot stereotypes I would say that your Mexican girlfriend is just trying to get a free ride into this country.

See how mean and low down that is?

P.S. For clarity, the above is not my opinion. it's just an example of how dangerous it is to generalize the behavior of a few onto everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:53pm
I was fortunate enough to be able to work PT until my youngest went to school, but that included working some weekends. However, **Dad** was there on weekends!! I really wished I could have stayed at home longer, but I was lucky enough to have 3 months maternity leave both times. However, both of those leaves were unpaid and it was enough to show us that we couldn't afford for me to not work at all. I felt bad enough having to take them to daycare, I never needed the guilt heaped on me by mothers who had the option of being SAHs.

In the summer, they continued at the daycare they attended. When my oldest started school, the youngest (they're 5 years apart) was still at daycare and during school vacations, she took my oldest as well. I used PTO to attend every class party and field trip, when I worked PT I also volunteered in my oldest son's class one afternoon a week. If they were sick, I took time off. I was also lucky enough to have 2 grandmothers close by that would pitch in in an emergency, if I'd been out a few days and kiddo didn't really need 'nursing care', just a quiet place to rest. When they got older, they attended a County camp during the day, where they got to hike on a nature trail every day, go bowling, swimming and roller skating one day each week, and play in a local park the rest of the day. They loved it and were sorry when they were too old to attend. One year when my oldest attended a session at the HS for a few weeks in the summer, my youngest was enrolled in a day camp at a local state park. He got to hike every state park in the state, learned to canoe and identify animal tracks and vegetation, visit the ocean and see the whales, make nature crafts, and seine in the lake to identify pond life. He had a blast.

And we have homecooked meals every night - in fact, I didn't get home until 6pm tonight and the chicken is roasting as I type, lol. My mother worked FT, and now I do, but for both of us, working was never an excuse to not have a *real* meal. Once in awhile it's tacos or burgers, but very rarely. It's always a sit down meal with everyone attending. And as far as time to oneself, you make it. I am pursuing my love of belly dance by taking classes. If something interests you enough, you'll find the the time.

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