No Longer Interested In The Nookie!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
No Longer Interested In The Nookie!
16
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 1:15am
My boyfriend is no longer interested in sex! He doesn't mind if I offer oral sex but when I'm in the mood, he brushes me off and claims he's tired or not in the mood. What's going on? We use to have sex like no tommorrow! I think he's cheating on me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 11:39am

What you've got here is a guy with some serious self esteem problems. He can't decide what he wants to be when he grows up....and unfortunately, he'll probably NEVER grow up.

He wants to be this, but it will take too long. He wants to be that, but it's too hard. He wants to be in a relationship, but that takes more effort than he's willing to give. He probably feels you're the one who should put in all the effort.

He says he needs help.....so he'll talk to his MOTHER who's the pastor of a church? That doesn't qualify her to counsel her son. More than likely, she's part of his problem...she didn't raise him to have self esteem! Relatives can't be counsellors. Even a psychiatrist or psychologist wouldn't treat a member of their own family! No problem, because he's not going to do it anyway..it was just "talk".....more than likely to "shut you up" about it.

You are doing all the "bending" and "changing" in this relationship. Why? In the process, you're going to lose yourself. One day you'll wake up and wonder what happened to the confident person you USED to be.

This is a relationship that has run it's course. You see all kinds of red flags, but you choose to ignore them. You're a typical woman. You'll "fix" him with your love and adoration. Wrong!!! He has to fix himself, and he shows no inclination to do that.

At this point, you have to fall back on your own self respect and self esteem, and realize that you deserve better than what you're getting. He's made his choice on how he wants to live his life......you have to either accept that you will be his "whipping boy" forever, because he can't face his own inadequacies....(it's easier to blame you for his problems) or you can get out and look for a healthy relationship.

He might be devastated, but that's his problem. You need to take care of yourself FIRST and foremost. He's not going to do it for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:25pm
Your rigth, your right. An may times I've tried to leave him but just starts out crying and saying how sorry he is, but he doesn't really mean it. I say ok fine you need to change and I'll stay, but after all that he tells me that I need to stop doing this to him, or stop over reacting. I hate to have to leave him after a year that seems wasted. But my folks brought me up to be goal orientated and a self-sufficient. And another problem is, I'm living in his house. I've all of his family members. How do leave without creating a stink? I can't really go back to my parent. That's a whole nother story in itself! I could always wait until it's time for me to leave in July for my classes. I don't have a car. I don't even have my license yet! Yes it's sad!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:47pm

You've tried to leave many times but he cries and so you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:55pm
No not excuses. But i'll let you know how things go after I leave. I'll be attending college in Miami.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 3:12pm

I'm glad that you've decided to go ahead and attend college regardless of what he does. If you reread this thread, you've been all of the place ...

You started with him not being interested in sex and thinking he's having an affair.
Along the way, you said that he can't decide what he wants to do with his future.
You've mentioned that he expects you to always be your best.
Then you say you want to leave but have no way out.

It sounds like it isn't really important whether he's interested in sex or not. For your long term 'health' it would be the best decision you could ever make to stand on your own two feet and walk out the door. Whatever the problem with your parents, perhaps they would allow you back in for a short period before leaving for school. If not, look into ads for a short term roomie, or even look for a place in Miami (where you'll be attending school).

You run a couple of risks staying there...

- You mention that you have had trouble deciding what to do with your future because "he" can't decide what to do with his. The longer you are there, the higher chance you run of being sucked back into that. You've made your decision, so I say go with it.

- He's shooting your self-esteem down because he expects you to always be "on" for him. He wants you to "perform" for him. You need to be comfortable in your own skin -- be who you are, not who he wants you to be.

- You're risking your self-respect. If you stay only for the purpose of having a place to be, then you are "using" him and his family. That causes hurt feelings all around, but it causes the most damage to you. When you make choices in life, you might make mistakes, but if you knowingly choose to make mistakes, you run the risk of waking up one day and not being able to respect yourself.

Think about what you want when you enter college in July. Do you want to feel as if you are running from something, or would you prefer to be running toward something? Staying in a bad situation for a couple of months will zap more of your energy, more of your self-esteem, and more of your self-respect. When you are starting a new path in life, you should start it feeling good about yourself and with confidence. Taking those two months now to get your priorities straight and heal from a bad relationship will make you better prepared to start meeting your goals once school begins.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 3:29pm
I know these things and I made a mistake in going at it as a spirtual thing, saying to myself, 'May be we were put into eachothers life for a reason, and I need to not give up and figure that thing out.' That's how I was going about all this. And it's not right.
He came home for lunch an hour ago, and I asked him if he would like to 'REALLY' discuss our situation? If he was feeling okay last night, what have you, and he said that he's been really tired since starting the job and running in the afternoon for boot camp( when he 'was' going into the Air Force ). He said that he doesn't want me to feel neglected and he's sorry.

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