No Orgasm - No Foreplay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
No Orgasm - No Foreplay?
9
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 1:16pm

As it is, I am a 38 year old female and for my entire life I have been unable to achieve an orgasm from intercourse, or oral stimulation. I can however achieve one on my own. After 38 years I have come to terms with this and revealed this to my current bf of two years very early on in our relationship.

Well lately things have been pretty ho-hum in the sex department. The sex itself is terrific however it seems that my bf's idea of foreplay is announcing that he is "ready" or if I make him hard I am expected to just jump on and do the deed or vice versa.

I brought up this issue with the bf last night during a casual discussion (when we weren't in bed or about to have sex). Basically his response to this issue was "Since you don't have orgasms, foreplay seems unnecessary". I was pretty blown away with this response. I still get aroused, enjoy sex and I'm tired of things being so one-sided. It is extremely hard to incorporate affection or an even a desirable mindset if he's not willing to make some efforts. I did let him know that as a woman I do in fact enjoy and desire all of the things foreplay offers but he did not seem to 'get it'.

Any suggestions/help in helping him to understand. I was so stunned by his initial reaction to my concerns and the fact that he does not seem to understand that I had no other ideas for helping him to understand.

Surprisingly as a contrast to this behavior my bf is a very generous and sweet man. He's thoughtful and attentive and sincerely good to me, but when it comes to this issue he falls off the norm from his usual personality.

I would love to hear from other men about this and what they think as well as women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 2:44pm

Why didn't you tell him during THAT conversation that whether or not you have orgasms is NOT the point......the point is that he should be as interested in giving YOU pleasure as you are at giving it to him. THAT is the point of sex....to GIVE and receive pleasure.

As it is now, you are nothing more than the "vessel" in which he relieves himself. He could just take care of that on his own......

You teach people how to treat you, and you need to start teaching him. Tell him he can forget about orgasms......you want PLEASURE.....before he has his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 2:59pm

I agree with you sakura. I always appreciate your opinions!! PLEASURE is the goal, orgasm or not. This is again coming from me, a young woman who has trouble climaxing with a partner.

luna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 3:16pm

I think both of you need to realize that just because you have never had an orgasm with a partner it doesn't mean you can't start having them. There are a lot of tools and info here about how to achieve that. You should make the goal with your BF to help you reach a level you never have with someone else. I never managed to orgasm without clitoral stimulation till I met my current SO and we are both 49 and have only been together a few months. He makes me orgasm over and over again without ever touching myself! So don't deal so much in absolutes. Just because it hasn't ever happened doesn't mean it won't.

That said ... Sakura is right about the fact that it is about PLEASURE between partners not just orgasm. Check out the website http://www.the-clitoris.com and have your BF read it too. There are tons more websites out there and books that can help you too. Look and ye shall find :)

Good luck and let us know how you are doing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 3:34pm
People are always so concerned about my inability to climax with a partner (and thank you, I do appreciate it), however after all of this time, having tried numerous things for that elusive O.... my fear is that I will now experience it with someone whom I would actually rather not. Take the current BF for instance. This is just the first time I've been with someone who has said something like that to me. I just never realized how selfish he was capable of being. Kind of has me wondering seriously about him. How can you care about someone and then pull this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 4:25pm

Having an orgasm is for YOU, not for him! If you're having sex with him anyway, why would you not want to have an orgasm? Saving that for someone else is like shooting yourself in the foot.

I hear that you said you have never had an orgasm with a partner. You told your BF that, so he's not trying to help you achieve one. It would be great if he was they type of guy that took it on as a challenge, but obviously, he's not.

As the other members have said, it's about pleasure, not necessarily an orgasm. If you're unhappy with the way things are now, you need to talk to him and let him know. You need to let him know that whether you have an orgasm or not, you're not just there for his pleasure. Here are a couple of articles that might help you communicate effectively with him:

Speak Up! Ask Him for What You Want
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,7ffztdxn,00.html

How can I get my guy to listen?
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,guystellall_9nmljwsn,00.html

Get Through to Your Man: 5 Tips for Better Communication
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmgetcloser/0,,84s,00.html

The website you were referred to, the-clitoris.com, is an EXCELLENT resource. Both of you should read it, and you shouldn't give up on your ability to have an orgasm. Just don't focus on it, and learn to accept (and DEMAND) pleasure.

Let us know how the talk goes.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 5:03pm

It would be hard for me to enjoy any sex what so ever without foreplay, and I wouldn't be too eager to have sex knowing I wasn't going to have at least a shot at orgasm either. Granted O's thru MB'ing are certainly nice, but I'd swear off marriage for celebacy if that's all that was in store for me in the sex department. He obviously thinks he's found a "free ride' so to speak. You've let him off the hook by telling him that basicly you don't have any expectations or needs because you don't O with a partner so he doesn't have to even try. Now ( fast forward 2 yrs ), you find yourself unsatisfied and resentfull ( not that he hasn't done anything to deserve it ) and unable to effectively communicate.

I would try again, maybe a few times, to communicate that you need more affection and foreplay. If he tries to enter you to soon, stop him and direct him to where he needs play a little more. Show and tell him what you do to please yourself. Hopefully he'll get the message. However, if tactfull and gentle guidance doesn't work, you should consider refusing to have sex with him until he can more sensitive to you and your needs or shoot, better yet leave him altogether.

Anyway he needs to be informed that his hard, oneway ride down a dead end street is over!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 10:01pm
Selfish indeed!
In being so, he is actually limiting his own greater potential for pleasure.
He must not realize that the connection and emotion that comes with foreplay and mutual elation strengthens the orgasmic pleasure tenfold!
Communication is the key, let him know that this is a concern and will in fact be an ongoing problem for your relationship if he does not compromise his “I’m ready now attitude”.
Many men still have the old school attitude about sexual pleasure being male centered….teach him otherwise…he probably likes the dominance it gives him; he demands, you act….
Try incorporating those dominant submissive roles by perhaps telling him that you would love to be more submissive to fore and after play, not just the actual intercourse. Make him realize that love making sessions can be like kisses….a peck or a seductive sensual linger….the more prolonged and emotional the more satisfying and the more you yearn for more.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 10:52am

All the advice I have received has been terrific and appreciated, however I think I am coming to realize that my bf isn't capabale of making an emotional attachment to me neccessary for us to resolve this particular issue. Since receiving everyone's advice I have tried to discuss this with him and he doesn't seem to want to address it any further than we already have. Unfortunately what was originally said to me by him was clearly his 'understanding of the situation' and he truly does not beleive that further discussion will improve things. This is who he is. So.... if things don't improve then I have enough knowledge to start making other choices: Like I deserve better than this. I am a good gf and I simply want and need more than this man is capable of providing. Which sucks because he really is generous with himself until it comes to his implanted notions regarding sex, relationships, etc. The more I think about this the less attractive he becomes as a person. All the good stuff isn't worth a lot when you've got enough emotional baggage (this attitude/thinking must stem from something) such as his which has now become more than I care to bear. It only works when both are willing to work at it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 07-28-2007 - 2:32pm

I think you're seeing the light. He's a selfish guy, not only selfish, but righteous, too. HE knows what he needs to know (he thinks), and doesn't want to discuss it any further. End of story, and anything else you say will be considered "bitching".

Picture yourself down the road. He likes to go out drinking at night, but you don't like to drink........."SO, babe, I'm going out drinking tonight, but you don't like to drink, so have fun at home alone."

It's not so much that he's selfish.....he intends to STAY selfish.

Better to be alone, than be frustrated by someone like that.

PS: As for your orgasms or lack of them.....it will happen when you least expect it...not with this jerk because he could care less about helping you get there. When you meet the right guy, one with whom you feel very comfortable, and one who understands his part of the equation......it will happen. Because he will care, and he will do his best to help you get there.