No passion

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
No passion
12
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:31pm
I don't know what to do. I have this bf and we've been dating for almost a year. I really care for him and I know he loves me and my daughter more than anything. He spolis us rotten....he's kind and considerate always worried about my feelings. My family loves him and his family loves me. Here's the problem.....I always feel that the relationship is missing something. I think what its missing is passion.....I'm a very passionate person....I love those hard sexy passionate kisses and the animal lust (sorry if this is TMI)....anyway my bf doesn't seem to have much of that passion....ok he doesn't seem to have any. He's fairly inexperienced....maybe that has something to do with it....I'm not sure. Anyway, other than the passion issue the relationship is great....I just wished I knew how to get him to be more passionate....is that something you either have or don't have or is it something you can learn? I know he's started thinking about marriage....but I have trouble imagining myself spending the rest of my life without the passion I crave....I don't want to hurt him and I just want to fix this problem. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Boys will Be Boys

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 3:55pm
It oculd be his inexperience or it could just be him and you can't change that. Have you spoken to him about it? If there is a problem anywhere in the relationship, you MUST communicate or it won't change.

Melissa

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 4:44pm
If you feel that something is missing, then you may not be "in love" with this man. You may love him on some level but without the sexual chemistry that you're looking for, will that be enough?

He sounds like a good man and it's possible that you recognize and respect him for that and that's a good start. The heat in the beginning of every relationship begins to mature into a different type of love after a while and you end up with a different, but no less satisfying, sex life. The foundation should be love and friendship. Sexual chemistry alone won't sustain a marriage.

I wouldn't seriously consider marriage though until you've talked with him about your concerns. It may be that communication is lacking. IF you can find a way to connect in the bedroom, then you may discover that passion you lack.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 9:17pm
Due to inexperience, I was perhaps the most boring husband in the world during my first ten-year marriage. I remember starting to go down on her once, then stopping because I was worried that she'd be offended. After the divorce, along came a young woman who told me exactly what she wanted ...then she showed me exactly how to do it. It was a HOT, steamy relationship.

Since then, I've learned to ask a woman what she likes... Guess what? This boring, young, inexperienced, inept husband has turned into a pretty good lover, or so I'm told.

The moral? Please don't give up on your guy. Just give him some help. With the right encouragement and instruction, passion may well appear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:08am
~~Due to inexperience, I was perhaps the most boring husband in the world during my first ten-year marriage. I remember starting to go down on her once, then stopping because I was worried that she'd be offended. After the divorce, along came a young woman who told me exactly what she wanted ...then she showed me exactly how to do it. It was a HOT, steamy relationship. ~~

I have a question for you O2bontheobx. Did this inexperience effect your sex drive as well?

The reason I ask is that I have been with my DH for 14 years, he was a virgin when we started dating so I am the only woman he has ever been with. He isn't very sexual and doesn't have the passion I do. He also doesn't have much of a sex drive and really hasn't the whole time we have been together.

I have noticed in the recent weeks that if I guide him through what I want, or am more passionate he goes a long with it and enjoys it...he just isn't comfortable starting it or doing it on his own. Maybe he is just unsure of what to do. For 14 years I held the passion back because it seemed to take him out of his comfort zone and maybe what I should have been doing was pushing a little harder instead.

I would love to hear your take on this.

RSRosey

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:24am
It sounds like your perspective others need something. They need to have you express your joy in what they do, express your pleasure as you recieve it, and they need your praise. If you give your man praise, he will do a better job. Keep his ego in the bedroom stroked. Because when it is not there starts to be problems. He will start losing his interest, and will begin to feel very inadequate. I know, it has happened to me before. If you love your SO, praise them. Let them know how you feel, not just when they do sometihing in the bedrrom that you like, but when it is just sitting around in the living room watching the tube. Let them know that the last time they went down on you and gave you an orgasm, or the way they did it was great, or whatever. Men need confirmation just as much as women. Where women tend to need the affection and companionship, men need the ego that comes from a good womans praise. Don't ever tell your guy he is doing it wrong, just show him with your reactions when he is doing it right. Let him learn without being told, let him make practice perfect, and his passion will increase, as will yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:36pm
< I have a question for you O2bontheobx. Did this inexperience effect your sex drive as well? >

It was a "Catch 22" situation ... both of us were very inexperienced and unsure of ourselves. We didn't have much of a "sex life", but neither one of us knew any different.

Suffice it to say, once I was enticed out of my shell and taught a few things, my sex drive increased dramatically.

One small example: back then I thought there might be something "wrong" about my desire to give her oral sex, so I didn't try and she did not ask. Now, giving oral is one of my favorite activities. That pleasure increases my sex drive. Hmmm ... I wonder if DW is busy right now. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:05pm
~~One small example: back then I thought there might be something "wrong" about my desire to give her oral sex, so I didn't try and she did not ask. Now, giving oral is one of my favorite activities. That pleasure increases my sex drive. Hmmm ... I wonder if DW is busy right now. :-)~~

I wonder if that isn't part of the problem. He has expressed to me that he used to feel guilty about doing it doggy style, recieving bjs, anal (he can't get over that one and has ruled it out all together)well basically anything other than missionary or reverse missionary sex. I wonder if he doesn't feel guilty about that too.

RSRosey

Avatar for leticiaf
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:20pm
>>I wonder if he doesn't feel guilty about that too.<<

I thought I would throw my 2 cents in here too. I would agree with the feeling guilty. My DH and I were both virgins when we met. Over the years we have become much more open and adventerous, but it didn't start out that way. DH would feel guilty at times, like he was degrading me or treating me disrepsectfully with certain acts. Considering your DH felt guitly about doggy style(which can be interpreted as a dominant position), I would think it a safe bet he feels guilty being in any dominant positon(like you said, BJ's, anal, doggy style). What I did was sit my DH down, told him how much I enjoyed these acts and that I didn't feel degraded or disrepescted doing something I enjoyed, and that I felt it *detrimental* to our relationship if we couldn't get past these hang ups. I was starting to feel categorized as a nice girl and felt I was left out of many things that I wanted to enjoy because "You don't do that to your wife". You need to make it clear that if he made you do something you didn't want to do, THAT is disrespectful. You two define what is acceptable in your bedroom. Give him permission(not literally LOL) to enjoy these acts, and I think he may come around. Hearing me say it was OK make a big difference with my DH.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:32pm
~~I would think it a safe bet he feels guilty being in any dominant positon(like you said, BJ's, anal, doggy style). What I did was sit my DH down, told him how much I enjoyed these acts and that I didn't feel degraded or disrepescted doing something I enjoyed, and that I felt it *detrimental* to our relationship if we couldn't get past these hang ups. I was starting to feel categorized as a nice girl and felt I was left out of many things that I wanted to enjoy because "You don't do that to your wife". You need to make it clear that if he made you do something you didn't want to do, THAT is disrespectful. You two define what is acceptable in your bedroom. Give him permission(not literally LOL) to enjoy these acts, and I think he may come around. Hearing me say it was OK make a big difference with my DH. ~~

I think that you are right. He is more comfortable recieving a BJ than he used to be, but it took a lot of conviencing. It took me 7 years to get him to let me do oral on him and then 5 years after that to get him to let me do it to completion. I explained to him that if it wasn't something I wanted to do I would have just dropped it after the first time or not even tried at all. He is starting to see that I really do enjoy it. He said that he felt guilty or bad about wanting it doggy style until he heard in the music I listen to other people talking about hitting it from behind. I told him I enjoy it. But that wasn't enough, and he seems to need to feel like its normal for him to want it. If it took me 12 years to get him to let me do complete a BJ and then another 2 years to get him to the point where he is feeling a little bit better about it, how long will it take to get the other acts moved in and he is comfortable with his sexuality and asks for what he wants. I tell him that I love it when he asks for something or gives direction during (IE harder, further up...etc) But only from time to time does he feel comfortable enough to do this.

RSRosey

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:38pm
"What I did was sit my DH down, told him how much I enjoyed these acts and that I didn't feel degraded or disrepescted doing something I enjoyed, and that I felt it *detrimental* to our relationship if we couldn't get past these hang ups. I was starting to feel categorized as a nice girl and felt I was left out of many things that I wanted to enjoy because "You don't do that to your wife". You need to make it clear that if he made you do something you didn't want to do, THAT is disrespectful. You two define what is acceptable in your bedroom"


I agree with that. I think it's so important to communicate with your partner the things you like. If you haven't tried it, express you interest in trying it. What's the worst that could happen? They say no? And that has to be respected. The whole "you don't do that to your wife" mentality is silly to me. So he pulls your hair or spanks you while doing you doggie style....you get married and that ends. It's just missionary from now on. NOPE! Not this girl! If I like it prior to marriage, I like it after marriage. And still want it as often as I ever got it or more. Being open with your partner and letting them in so they know what your desires are is important. And I never stop expressing my desires.

Melissa

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