no protection?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
no protection?
8
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:40pm
Not sure where to post this. But I'll try here. I have been seeing a guy almost 20 years older than me (I'm in my late 20's) for about a month now. The issue of sex has come up. He was married for 17 years and has been divorced for about 4 years. I asked him if he had been tested and he said he had but not since the last person he had sex with, but he had no concerns about having anything. And then when I asked him if he had any protection, he said he never uses any. (Pregnancy is not a concern because I am on the pill). I'm not sure how to approach this. I don't mind not using a condom if he doesn't have anything as we have decided to make this a monogomous relationship, and I feel like I can trust the fact that he isn't concerned about having anything. I feel like some of his differences come from being brought up in a different time and being married for so long---std's were not discussed so much as being brought up now. Any advice on what I should do or how I should discuss all this with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:54pm
Hello!
Well, I definitely think that although he's older, and was raised "in a different time", it doesn't mean that he's been living under a rock or was born on another planet. He should understand the importance of being safe - especially when you're having sex with someone whose health background you don't know. He can say all day long that he doesn't have anything; does that mean you say, "ok, I believe you because you say you're STD free." People have STD's, and don't even know that they have them until they pass them on to someone else. People also get STD's from their spouses, so this guy isn't in the clear just because he was married for a long time. I'm not saying that either scenario is the case. I'm just sayin'.....
So, the only thing you can do is be honest with him. Tell him that you need to be sure that he's STD free, before you have sex with him without using a condom. If he cares for you, and respects you, then he should agree to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 7:47pm
Tell him to humour you. Tell him that he grew up in time when no-one was much worried about this sort of thing, tell him that you grew up surrounded by it and that this is what you know and want to do. Tell him that it may not be a big deal for him, but it is for you. He wears a condom until such time he's proven STD-free.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 8:30pm
I would sit down and talk with him about it and make it clear that unless he is tested, I would not agree to have intercourse with him if he won't use condoms. I have a friend who was dating a guy and he expressed interest in having sex with her and he wouldn't use condoms and she doesn't use oral contraceptives or any hormone based birth control and she doesn't want to get pregnant as she is divorced now and has a grown son and doesn't at her age want anymore children. She stopped seeing him over that and another issue that doesn't pertain to this. Of course there also would have been the issue of protection from STD's as well. I wouldn't engage in intercourse with a woman without a condom for both the issue of pregnancy and protection. I hope it works out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 11:46pm

He may not be concerned about having anything, but are either of you aware that he CAN have many different diseases with NO symptoms! And if he's so cavalier about it, how does he know YOU don't have something? If he assumes that all women are safe, and he TOLD you he never uses condoms, then he could have anything from anyone and not even know it. Herpes is everywhere (unfortunately condoms don't always protect you from that) HIV might not show symptoms for years, Chlamydia has no symptoms in men. It's not only promiscuous drug users that have STD's.

You discuss it by simply saying that you don't have unprotected sex until both of you have been tested for any or all STD's. If he doesn't like that.....What's he afraid of?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 11:52pm
First of all, if you're going to NOT use protection, you need to make sure you're the only one he's seeing. You can agree to stop using protection once you trust that he's being faithful- especially if he never uses condoms!! After that has been established, I would just go get tested. You should too. Even if you have been recently, if you get it done, he will feel better about it. And if he won't, there's nothing wrong with you insisting that the two of you use condoms until he IS ready to be tested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 1:32am

Just because he was married means nothing and there could be allot that he is not telling you. Did his wife and him swing, did they have an open relationship, were one of them unfaithful to the other, or has he ever visited a prostitute? There are so many unknowns that you are better off getting him tested.

There are two ways you can go about it. Be direct and say you would feel more comfortable with him being tested just to make you feel secure. Another option would be hold off having unprotected sex for a while and rephrase the same question. After rephrasing the question check his response against the previous response and if they differ challenge him on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 7:58am

If he's 20 years older than you, then that puts him in my age group and if I was sexually active with anyone other than my husband, I WOULD be very


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 5:29pm
No protection, no sex. That simple. You may hold your life in your hands, hold on tight.