Is this normal?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Is this normal?
7
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 6:55pm
Hi,

I am a twenty year old woman and have been with my 22 year old boyfriend for 3 years. We now live together. We used to have sex at least once a day, and although we still have a good sex life, I feel like he is not as turned on by me anymore, honestly just because we dont have sex EVERYDAY. I have had an issue with his evergrowing porn collection and I am worried that maybe that is why he is not as into me as before, but he has always watched porn, so I dont know what to think. It seems like he goes through phases of not being able to get enough of me, and just not being interested in sex. I think I have somehow connected sex to my self esteem and now that he isnt acting as "horny" towards me as usual, I am feeling very unwanted and unattractive. He tells me I am beautiful and compliments me in other ways to, and I am not a sex fiend so why is this effecting me like this??? Anyone have any thoughts on this? Sorry this entry jumped around a bit, I just had alot to say. :) Thank you.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 7:42pm
You are totally normal, so is your situation and your response to it.

You mentioned a couple different concerns that I'll address.

First his porn collection. Why does it bother you now when it didn't before? Is it just becase sex with you is decreaseing and his use of porn is either staying the same or even increasing? Are you worried that maybe he uses it too much? You also said your self esteem is going down. Are you afraid you can't measure up to the girls in porn? If that's your concern, most guys would usually rather have a real live girl than watch someone, no matter how big her fake boobs are. Of coarse some guys have addiction problems with porn (my ex was one of those) so if you suspect that might be the case, you have good reason to be concerned and should get more info on the topic. Let me know if you think this might be a problem, I can probably find some good information for you.

Second, it's normal for you to be upset that your man doesn't seem as interested in sex with you, even if you're not a sex fiend. You want to know that he wants and desires you in all ways including physical and sexual ones.

Third, it's normal for sexual interest to decrease (espically in guys) when you've been together for a long time, espically when you live together. I would suggest bringing some of the novelty and excitment back again by trying some new things. Buy some sexy new lingerie, try new positions, learn some new techniques. Or if you're up for it maybe ask him to share some of his porn collection with you. (Don't do this if it makes you uncomfortable though or it might backfire.)

That's all the advise I have, but I wanted to share this quote with you too, just to show you you're not the only one. It's from a book called "The Seduction of Water" by Carol Goodman.

"I remembered the first night I brought him back here and we made love standing against this same window ledge, so recklessly that the glass shivered in the panes, and then again, in the bed. And then I the middle of the night I’d woken to find him stroking me. As soon as I opened my eyes he entered me and came, quickly, without waiting for me, without apology. I hadn’t minded, but felt instead awed by his need of me. It never happened like that again. He’s been a courteous, generous lover for these last ten years but I sometimes feel that that third time we made love on our first night was the last time he wanted me more than I wanted him. That some extra edge had dulled then, a slight shift of desire that left me the one always wanting more."

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 7:54pm
Thank you so much for your help. Well to answer our question, I think the porn is really upsetting me because we don't have sex as much anymore, and because I feel like I can't measure up to the girls in the videos (I know it probably sounds weird). i just compare myself to other girls that I have no need to, and that is what is hurting me.I worry that I can't measure up to how they look or there bodies. I am trying to think of some new ways to get him excited and turned on, and I am coming up with a few ideas. I dont think that he is addicted to porn, although he does have alot of it, but I guess it could be a possibility. He watches porn a couple times a week. And I am really trying to feel better about myself so I dont get upset about the porn thing. I do want to bring that into our sex life in the near future, I just want to make sure i am comfortable with it first, like you said. Thanks again for all of your help, and that quote also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
In reply to:
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 8:15pm
What i think could be happening is, because you and your boyfriend normally have sex everyday as time goes by he may not want it as often due to the fact that you haven't just got together so the rush to have sex is no longer there. i say you should just be patient and be tempting. eventaully he'll come back to his senses but sometimes just expect this. you dont wanna have your cake and eat it all the time.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 8:18pm
It doesn't sound like he's addicted to porn - 2x a week is totally normal, my ex used it about 2x a day and if for some reason he couldn't, he'd get really moody and irritable. Vacations were always problematic. So if your man doesn't show any of these dependent signs, I wouldn't worry.

Feeling like you can't measure up to the girls in the videos doesn't sound wierd at all! I think all women feel like that at least sometimes. Remember those girls aren't real in so many ways. Most of them have fake boobs, they only use the shots that are flattering and make them look hot, and plus they're two dimentional and don't provide any sensory stimulation except visual. You've got a lot more to offer, and I'm sure your boyfriend knows that! So like I said it's totally normal to feel inadequate in comparison to those porn stars, but try not to let it get to you. Once your self esteem is better, you'll feel sexier and if you feel sexier, he'll see you that way too.

Sounds like you're headed in the right direction. Hang in there, make sure you communicate openly with your man, and everything will be fine.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to:
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 11:42pm
>>Feeling like you can't measure up to the girls in the videos doesn't sound wierd at all! I think all women feel like that at least sometimes. Remember those girls aren't real in so many ways. <<

My g/f has the normal fears that she isn't as attractive as the women on TV and movies (porn movies included) and on one or two occasions we'd discussed it and I'd told her how the hair and makeup and camera angles are all very important. Personal trainers help too! She, like every woman, probably listened to me and didn't believe me even when I insisted that she was a hottie - especially to me.

The thing that did change her mind was when she got some professional photos done for an upcomming album cover. We got her dressed in something that she wouldn't normally wear, got professional makeup done, hair, and a professional photographer.

She couldn't believe the results because she didn't recognise herself in the photos. She looked totally awesome and very attractive in the photos and I think that it finally hit home when she saw them - "Hey. I AM hot!"

You can't underestimate the impact of professional presentation and the difference it makes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to:
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 12:00am
I agree Westridge. Wasn't it you who posted this link here?

Leticia

http://homepage.mac.com/gapodaca/digital/bikini/index.html

Check out the blonde too

http://homepage.mac.com/gapodaca/digital/blonde/index.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to:
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 12:33am
Yep. I've posted that, but I stole it off someone-else too! :-)

Amazing, isn't it?