Not attentive enough to MY needs!!!
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Not attentive enough to MY needs!!!
| Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:33am |
Hey everyone. I just posted on here last week about how I was debating having sex with this guy that I have been dating for about a month now. Well, last night I went ahead and took the plunge and had sex with him for the first time. I did it because I felt comfortable and not pressured...I know i wasn't sure if i wanted to...but i decided to and today i feel fine about my decision.
The only problem is-
when we decided to have sex, he had to go out to his car to get condoms, and when he got back inside, we started kissing a little bit more (which we were doing before we decided to have sex) and then, after about 5 minutes, he put the condom on and just started trying to enter. absolutely NO foreplay (except kissing really)...he didn't use his fingers or anything!! and i let him know that it hurt a bit when he entered, so he went slow...but I was completely TURNED OFF by the fact that he didn't do anything to me down there at all before he entered. He didn't even TOUCH me with his fingers once!!
It makes me want to cry...I mean, I feel like he didn't care about my needs...I don't know...I have only been with ONE other person sexually before, so maybe I am just inexperienced. Is it normal for a guy to just jump right into it like that the first time?
I am hoping that when we have sex again, he will be a little bit more passionate and wanting to do some foreplay..cause foreplay is VERY important to me! I don't feel like I was horny enough for him to enter just yet...
Well, when we had sex, I didn't have an orgasm (though it did feel good) and when he finished, he didn't ask how it was for me, if i was okay, or anything...kind of upsetting..i was hoping that he would want ME to be pleased. But maybe I am just expecting too much for first time sex with someone? or maybe I am just comparing him to my ex too much? (who was VERY sexually compatible with me..LOVED foreplay even more than i did, and always wanted to please me before himself)
I mean, i'm not saying that this guy and I aren't sexually compatible, because it was good sex, and he does turn me on...but i was just disappointed in the lack of foreplay. and it really didn't seem like he was THAT passionate about me either...then again, he isn't a very emotional guy overall. I just wanted him to show his WANT and lust for me more, I guess. I am a very passionate person.
After we had sex, we laid in the bed together and chatted a bit for a few minutes, then he had to leave. I told him he could sleep over, but he didn't want to. So, he left and said he'd call me later.
I know that i shouldn't expect too much from him...I mean, we've only been seeing eachother about once a week and talking only once every few days also. But then again, I feel that now that we've had sex, I would like to get a bit more serious with him. I hope he knows this....He knows that he is the second guy I've ever had sex with. He knows how seriously I took it. He told me that he was fine waiting more for me to be ready, that he completely understood if i didn't want to have sex last night, which in turn made me feel more comfortable having sex with him. No pressure!
After we had sex, he was really sweet for the most part and kissed me a lot and was pretty talkative..just didn't ask me how it was for me.
All in all, it was a pretty good experience and I don't really regret it, only regret that there was no foreplay involved really. Also glad that I don't really feel more attached to him! I was worried that I would feel more attached...but so far, I don't!
I just need some advise! I don't/didn't want to just come out and ASK him to do more foreplay before he entered, because I feel that he should WANT to...and if he doesn't WANT to, then that is not a turn on for me (I feel most turned on when the man WANTS me in every way)...I'm basically just wondering if his behavior is normal, and if its possible that he really IS into foreplay, just not that time??
Thanks for any responses!! I really appreciate it!!
The only problem is-
when we decided to have sex, he had to go out to his car to get condoms, and when he got back inside, we started kissing a little bit more (which we were doing before we decided to have sex) and then, after about 5 minutes, he put the condom on and just started trying to enter. absolutely NO foreplay (except kissing really)...he didn't use his fingers or anything!! and i let him know that it hurt a bit when he entered, so he went slow...but I was completely TURNED OFF by the fact that he didn't do anything to me down there at all before he entered. He didn't even TOUCH me with his fingers once!!
It makes me want to cry...I mean, I feel like he didn't care about my needs...I don't know...I have only been with ONE other person sexually before, so maybe I am just inexperienced. Is it normal for a guy to just jump right into it like that the first time?
I am hoping that when we have sex again, he will be a little bit more passionate and wanting to do some foreplay..cause foreplay is VERY important to me! I don't feel like I was horny enough for him to enter just yet...
Well, when we had sex, I didn't have an orgasm (though it did feel good) and when he finished, he didn't ask how it was for me, if i was okay, or anything...kind of upsetting..i was hoping that he would want ME to be pleased. But maybe I am just expecting too much for first time sex with someone? or maybe I am just comparing him to my ex too much? (who was VERY sexually compatible with me..LOVED foreplay even more than i did, and always wanted to please me before himself)
I mean, i'm not saying that this guy and I aren't sexually compatible, because it was good sex, and he does turn me on...but i was just disappointed in the lack of foreplay. and it really didn't seem like he was THAT passionate about me either...then again, he isn't a very emotional guy overall. I just wanted him to show his WANT and lust for me more, I guess. I am a very passionate person.
After we had sex, we laid in the bed together and chatted a bit for a few minutes, then he had to leave. I told him he could sleep over, but he didn't want to. So, he left and said he'd call me later.
I know that i shouldn't expect too much from him...I mean, we've only been seeing eachother about once a week and talking only once every few days also. But then again, I feel that now that we've had sex, I would like to get a bit more serious with him. I hope he knows this....He knows that he is the second guy I've ever had sex with. He knows how seriously I took it. He told me that he was fine waiting more for me to be ready, that he completely understood if i didn't want to have sex last night, which in turn made me feel more comfortable having sex with him. No pressure!
After we had sex, he was really sweet for the most part and kissed me a lot and was pretty talkative..just didn't ask me how it was for me.
All in all, it was a pretty good experience and I don't really regret it, only regret that there was no foreplay involved really. Also glad that I don't really feel more attached to him! I was worried that I would feel more attached...but so far, I don't!
I just need some advise! I don't/didn't want to just come out and ASK him to do more foreplay before he entered, because I feel that he should WANT to...and if he doesn't WANT to, then that is not a turn on for me (I feel most turned on when the man WANTS me in every way)...I'm basically just wondering if his behavior is normal, and if its possible that he really IS into foreplay, just not that time??
Thanks for any responses!! I really appreciate it!!

I hate it when there's no foreplay.
I would think if he knew it was your first time to
be with another man. He should of made a major effort
to make you happy. I've only been with DH, So I know how you
feel. If yall have sex again and he does the same thing then
I'd talk to him about it. Yalls relationship is so new that it's
best you get your feeling out in the open. So you know just how
compatible you are.
That's my 2 cents
kareese
ps. welcome to the board.
I think a lot of your questions can only be answered by 1) asking him; or 2) giving your sexual relationship more time.
It is possible that he is not very experienced, and doesn't understand what it takes to please a woman. Intercourse is a big deal for guys, and if you are having sex without the emotional attachment that a LTR offers, then it is the prize that he's looking for. On the flip side of that, it could be that he was nervous. He could be nervous because your relationship is young, you are a new partner, or because he is only your second partner.
The only thing you can really do now, is encourage a more healthy sexual relationship with him. He's probably not a bully that threw you down on the bed and stripped your clothes off and then forced himself on you! So, at any step between kissing and penetration, feel free to slow the action down. Let him know that you're not ready, and if you are not comfortable enough to do that with words, then do it with actions. You can encourage foreplay by the things that you do with your hand, mouth, body -- it's not all up to him. Maybe you will be teaching him something he doesn't already know, or maybe you will be trying to show him what a good lover you can be.
If all else fails, and you are really interested in still having a healthy sexual relationship with him, have a talk with him. Ask him what he wants from your relationship, what he likes sexually, and let him know what you need or want as well.
Good luck, and let us know how things go.
If he wasn't attentive to your needs then why didn't you tell him what you wanted?
I completely agree with Tish! You get what you ask for, you don't ask, you don't GET!
Ok, first time sex with anyone is not going to be the greatest. You really don't know him well, he doesn't know you well.....and you're both hesitant to talk about it. That was the first time. NOW, if it happens again, and you say nothing, you'll get nothing.
You don't assume that a guy WANTS to do anything. He did what he wanted to. You let him. If he does that again, you STOP him, and say "Whoa! What happened to foreplay?" You can't assume anything about him. He may have never been with a woman who had the guts to ask him for foreplay, therefore he doesn't have a clue about it. Remember, most guys, at least in the beginning are having sex because they WANT sex, not because they're "making love" to you. He doesn't "love you" at this point, he wanted sex, and he got sex, and it was good for him. Maybe that's all he knows! If he's not giving you what you want, in bed or out of bed, it's up to you to tell him that, otherwise how can he know what you want?
"But then again, I feel that now that we've had sex, I would like to get a bit more serious with him. I hope he knows this...." I hope YOU know that just because you agreed to give him sex (and I say "give" because this really wasn't for your benefit, it was for his own gratification) that doesn't mean he is or will be any more serious about you than he was before sex. Sex doesn't mean "serious" or "relationship". And at this point, not only does he not KNOW that's what you want, you would be very wise to see how things progress before you SAY that's what you want. Having sex with a guy doesn't entitle you to anything, not even a phone call! It definitely does NOT entitle you to anything at all.
I also have a comment about him going to his car to get the condom. Depending on how sexually active he is, if he's had them in his car for a long time, they could be ruined. A car is the worst place to keep condoms. The heat/cold destroys the latex!
You need to just "simmer down" and not build up expectations simply because you decided to "go for" the sex. And you need to start talking. People treat you the way you let them treat you. If you say nothing, you'll get nothing. Good Luck!
I was going to update about what happened last night with him. I feel so rejected and dejected....this has never happened before, so I dont know WHAT to think of it!
Okay, so my friend and I decided to meet him up at this bar where him and his friends were. We get there and hang for awhile with them and have a few drinks. I get a little tipsy/drunk and after the place closes, he asks if I want him to come over to my place...I tell him that we should all go to his friends house because my friend wanted to get to know his friend better. He says okay, so we head over there. OH, and before we even met him at the bar, my friend was text messaging him explicit sexual things, such as "wanna f*ck?", etc.,pretending to be me. I tell him that it was my friend when we see him, and he is really disappointed. But I don't want to lie and say it was me, I am just not that forward sexually! I was pretty upset with my friend for this too! Anyway, so we go over to his friends place and we stay till around 3:30 AM. the whole time we were there, i sat in his lap in a chair and he was holding my hand and kissing my shoulder. I felt a lot of sexual tension, and I tell him "I wanna get out of here...I'm tired!" while I kiss him..
I thought he felt the same way! He was kissing my shoulder and kissing me back when I kissed him. So, his friend gets tired and wants to go to bed, so we all leave...and when we get down to our cars (he had his own and my friend and i had mine) he gives me a hug and says "bye" ....I say "you're going home?" and he says "yeah, where else would i go?" and i say "you suck" and he says "what, am i invited over to your place?" and i say "yes, if you want to come over" and he says "no, i'm too tired" and i say "okay" and feel so rejected. he then says "ill call you later" and i walk off to my car.
at first i thought he was joking when he said he was too tired, i thought for sure he would meet me at my place. i dont know WHY this happenened, and feel so ugly and unimportant. he was being sweet to me all night, like saying we should go on a double date w/ his brother and his g/f, etc., and then THIS happens at the end of the night?? maybe he was trying to play games with me? I can't figure it out and don't know what to say to him next time I talk to him...to bring it up or not...I do feel angry and confused. I mean, it WAS 3:30 AM...so it was late. Don't know whats up though! Any help or advice at all would be greatly appreciated!!
It was 3:30 am, the guy was tired, what does that have to do with you feeling ugly, rejected
It really sounds like you are playing games with this guy. You weren't sure if you should sleep with him, then you did, then you didn't think it was great, etc. You wrote this after the first time:
"I mean, i'm not saying that this guy and I aren't sexually compatible, because it was good sex, and he does turn me on...but i was just disappointed in the lack of foreplay. and it really didn't seem like he was THAT passionate about me either...then again, he isn't a very emotional guy overall. I just wanted him to show his WANT and lust for me more, I guess. I am a very passionate person."
Now, on the next date, you are complaining that he went home because he was tired. It seems to me that you were sending him mixed messages in the first place. Saying your friend was sending him text messages, and then wanting to go to your friends instead of taking him home with you, and then saying you were tired, etc. At 3:30 in the morning, he probably was tired. But he might also have been feeling like it wasn't a sure thing, or at least a "good" sure thing, for him to follow you home.
Really, as adults, playing childish games is not a good choice. If you only give him positive thoughts, chances are, he will want to be with you. If you are thinking only positive things, chances are, the sex will be better. Sending mixed messages, chances are, neither of you knows what to really think! If you truly are a "very passionate person" that, IMO, would show through when the two of you are together. It doesn't seem to be working that way.
Instead of trying to figure out what he might want, might be thinking, etc., why not focus on figuring out what you really want? If you decide you really want this guy, then quit playing games with him. That way, you'll give him a chance to show you what he's really about.
I think you need to start thinking like an adult. Just because you had sex with this guy doesn't mean he's now going to jump for you every time you want him to. It doesn't mean he's in love with you. It doesn't mean you're in a relationship with him. It means exactly NOTHING. You were disappointed with the sex when it did happen. Maybe he was too! You are projecting your own wants, needs and fantasies on this guy.
Even if you were in a real "relationship", which you are NOT......there are times when someone is just plain tired, and doesn't want sex. That doesn't mean you are ugly and/or unimportant. On the other hand, if he DOES want sex, that doesn't mean you are beautiful or important. It just means that he wants sex, you're willig to give it to him, and he'll take it. Two people having sex means absolutely NOTHING. It means two willing people agree to share their bodies for some quick gratification.
You said in your original post you didn't know if you should have sex with him yet because you didn't want to get hurt. Well, you are well on your way to a BIG HURT if you don't start understanding that this guy is NOT in love with you, he is NOT in a relationship with you, and whether he wants sex again or he doesn't has NO EFFECT on your beauty, your importance, or your worth. All of those things come from YOU, not him.
That is also not to say that he doesn't care about you or respect you....but you two aren't in a relationship, and at this point he owes you nothing. In time it might develop into something more, but right now it's nothing more than two people who agreed to have sex.
As for your beauty, your self respect, your self esteem......that comes from YOU, not him, not anyone else. If you don't have it for yourself, no one else can give it to you.