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not enough?
| Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:43am |
I really am having a hard time admitting this, and I need some advice about sex..A little background on the 2 of us, I just turned 40, been married for a little over a year to this husband. He has a few medical problems and is disabled. He stays home and I work full time. I have begun to show the symptoms of MS and am currently being tested for it. I am exhausted alot of the time, and have many other symptoms too.The past 6 months he has had recurring prostate infections and has had a hard time with sex, but we think he's well now. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage who stay with us alot. They have kept my house in a mess since they met me. It really bothers me and I have to stay after them, nagging them and him to straighten up. It is so bad, my mother in law has never been in my house because I am ashamed of it. I can't seem to get ahead.
It used to be he wanted to have sex at least twice a week, and I was usually too tired, but pretty much did it anyway. He's really worth the effort on my part. But lately, it seems my sex drive is higher. I think we have had sex twice this month. We went on vacation with the whole family staying in the same condo for a week, and as soon as we got home and got alone, he was ready, even after driving all night, so I don't think he is too tired. The only thing I can think of is I am nagging him too much. I am getting ready to start my 7 night shift Tuesday, so this coming week is pretty much work and sleep.I just don't know how to handle this.
It used to be he wanted to have sex at least twice a week, and I was usually too tired, but pretty much did it anyway. He's really worth the effort on my part. But lately, it seems my sex drive is higher. I think we have had sex twice this month. We went on vacation with the whole family staying in the same condo for a week, and as soon as we got home and got alone, he was ready, even after driving all night, so I don't think he is too tired. The only thing I can think of is I am nagging him too much. I am getting ready to start my 7 night shift Tuesday, so this coming week is pretty much work and sleep.I just don't know how to handle this.

Talk to him. Tell him that you enjoyed having sex more frequently and miss having sex as often as you did. Ask him why he thinks that the two of you are having it less. It may be that you need more time out alone together. It might help to have him do more around the home. Or to get the kids to help clean the place (or not make it dirty at least). You might need to sort out a job with fewer night hours.
Without talking to him and without more knowledge of your situation it's hard to say what needs addressing. It definitely sounds like the stress of day-to-day life is a big part of the problem.
Your step children are slobs? Well, if he's in his 40's....then these kids aren't toddlers....they're perfectly capable of not only cleaning up after themselves, but actually HELPING you keep your home clean. If they want to stay with you, that's the price they pay. If they can't stop being lazy slobs, then let them stay with their mother. You say you can't invite your mother-in-law over because your home is a mess? Have you thought that maybe you're obsessing too much over a "clean house"? Let the woman see what havoc her grandchildren create!
You say he has "a few medical problems" so he's disabled. Disabled in what way? If you're nagging him as well as his kids to keep your house clean, then I guess he's not TOO disabled to function as a house-husband, and he SHOULD be doing that. You can't be everything.....the breadwinner AND the chief housekeeper. And what happens if your diagnosis comes back positive? Who's going to be taking care of YOU?
Sex is the least of your problems, I think. You're probably right, he's tired of being nagged at, but there's an easy solution for him.....straighten out his kids, (and himself) and start helping you.
Your opening sentence says a LOT. "I really am having a hard time admitting this"....like you have a need to be "perfect", and want your life to be "perfect" or you feel there's something wrong with YOU. I think you need to stop and smell the roses....and while you're at it, look at yourself, and your marriage. Are you there because you felt you could "rescue" this guy? Are you overly obsessed about your house being clean and perfect? Again, the least of your problems is sex, or the lack of it. You say your sex drive has increased? How can that be if you're exhausted most of the time? Are you thinking that's the only way you or he can express "love" or your feelings for each other? It's not. A little consideration from him would go a LONG way towards making you feel loved and appreciated.
You need to have a long talk with him about "responsibilities", his, yours, and his kids. He needs to get after them about helping out, and he needs to help out, too. And you need to stop striving for perfection. Truth be known, few of us can achieve that.
IF you are exhausted, and worried about your own health, then sex should be the last priority on your list. You need to stop worrying about everything else but those problems at this point. Sex will typically take care of itself when everything else is resolved.
Lay down some ground rules and expectations with your hubby and his children, for your own sanity. Your doing your part in bringing home the bacon and keeping a roof over his head. He can at least, manage the home and his own children when they're there.
You're only one person, stop trying to do it all.
This man that I am married to now, I have known for 20 years. He is my best friend. Even when I get mad enough to pinch his head off, I can't imagine my life without him. I don't feel so much that I rescued him, as he rescued me. I was lonely and unhappy, had just had to have a hysterectomy, and childless. I felt that my life would be spent alone. Then we bumped into each other, and the rest is just mushy romantic stuff!
He was a fireman and was hurt in a fire. He has a cervical spine fusion with a plate and four screws. He has also had to have multiple surgeries on his legs and shoulders. He also has fibromyalgia, some stomach disorder that I can't remember, and was diagnosed with diabetes this winter. Finding a new job is not an option for me, since we rely on my insurance. I usually work 7 12 hour night shifts and 7 12 hour day shifts a month, with overtime whenever I can, which is pretty often. The kids are 6 and 10, and it is easier for them to stay here than for thier mother to get a babysitter, or thier half brother to keep them. They don't like staying with him. We don't have any problem with her for visitation, and we can get them almost any time we want to, or they want to come over. I don't really think I want perfection around the house, I just got used to having every thing in it's place and being able to find it right away. My dad was always after my mother and I to keep the house straight, and I have always done it the same way. I have relaxed a good bit since they came along. I used to be ready for drop in company, but now I wouldn't let anyone in! If I needed an ambulance, I think I would drag myself to the street rather than let them in! They have ruined some of my antique furniture by leaving spilled stuff on it, or setting a drink down without a coaster. The couch is stained also from spills. The other night the dog ate a blue marker that was left on the floor and threw it up. The carpet has so many stains on it that it will have to be replaced because they spill stuff and don't let anyone know, then the stain won't come out.
I just thought my sex drive had increased. I guess I meant it is more noticeable now, since we aren't having sex. I just would like to feel close to him again. He is the first man that I have ever enjoyed sex with, and now I miss it. I don't want to talk about our sex life with my friends because I wouldn't want them to think about that conversation the next time they saw him! Sort of protecting his privacy, I guess.
Keep talking and keep the minor problems from becoming major ones. Good luck!
Things are much better around here now. I told him I felt neglected and that I was last on his "to do" list. There has been some progress in the bedroom. Now if I could just get some headway made in the rest of the house.......