Not enough/ No sex- what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
Not enough/ No sex- what to do?
3
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 2:42am

It took time to sign up to post this dilema. Yet I am here to seek for good advice from those who knows. I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for five years. Until the last two years, we had a wonderful and fulfilling sex life. We have been living together for a year and a half, and I lost track of when we have sex, because it is so seldom. Some months we have sex once, some months we have sex twice. This is incredibly terrible for me, since I would prefer at least two times a week. I don't know what to do, I do not want to cheat, nor am I unhappy with anything else in our relationship. But at the same time if his sex drive only requires once, or twice a month with a woman (I am sure he masturbates- no, he is not gay) then it is not fair for me. I get depressed sometimes. I expressed my wish to have more sex, but he just says he understands. I recently got a vibrator, but this is such a joke, because I enjoy being with a man so much more. I feel I shouldn't have to put up with this, but again, I do not want to do anything drastic.
I guess I just have to stand by my man. Let it be, drink up my miseries with a glass of wine and go to bed...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 4:40am

You've got to talk to him and together find out the cause of the change in his libido. Once he has identified it, he can then work on fixing it.

First question is: Does he say that he wishes his libido was higher? If yes, and he wants to work on a solution - then here are some things that he could consider as a potential cause:

*stress
*tiredness
*problems within the relationship. Be it either a relationship that is stale, nagging or frequent arguements.
*side effect of medications
*depression
*frequent masturbation to ####
*if he can't find an answer in the above suggestions, he should get a thorough physical to rule out medical causes.

However, if he doesn't see his low sex drive as an issue - then I would suggest that it's time to reasses the relationship. Being with a partner who doesn't desire you is no way to have a relationship.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 8:20am

When you talked to him, and he said he "understood"......that isn't an answer. A man who is concerned with your happiness will do more than "understand". He will talk to you, he will listen to you, and he will share his problems and feelings with you. He's not doing that. He doesn't "understand".

You need to find out why things have changed. Then you need to figure out if things can be changed back to the way they were, or at least find a compromise.

Drinking up your misery with a glass of wine won't help either. That's just avoiding the problem. You need to talk to him, find out what the problem is, and see if it can be fixed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
Sat, 05-14-2005 - 3:55pm
I understand your concern totally. My boyfriend and I try to have sex more than once per month and it's hard since he lives with his mother, who would DIE if she knew I was in his bedroom and I live with mine who won't even allow him to be in my room. (I am 28 and he is 30!) Our parents are very traditional and we have found that going to hotels/motels and Holiday Inns aren't really that comfortable either. The car.. that didn't work much since he has a sports car which allows room for like NOTHING in the backseat. Plus, we have a pretty crappy sex life to begin with, he feels me, I can't feel him.. whatever. I think that I may move on to someone else who I can be sexually compatable with. I had a boyfriend I lived with for three years (this was a few years back) and we had a great sex life. We had sex about 4 times per week, sometimes sex 4 times per day. We were also pretty young, so we had all that time and energy. I noticed that stress causes lack of sexual interest, that's been my case in the past.