Not even a minute man

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Not even a minute man
16
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 3:24am
This is a very awkward subject for me to discuss hence the fact I am doing it anonymously online. I have been in a relationship for a few years now and am actually engaged to be married the problem is we are sexually incompatible. I honestly don’t know how to even bring up this subject with him as I am fearful of damaging his ego. I have tried to prolong it by stopping or squeezing the head prior but it really doesn’t help at all. Our sex is literally over the minute he puts it in. In the beginning I just thought it was because he was nervous and we were new together but it has been over two years without improvement. I do not enjoy having sex with him because it is so awful. I know it sounds silly but I often cry because I am so unsatisfied. I guess I'm just looking for possible solutions. Am I going to have to just learn to live with this or can it be fixed? I honestly believe if this does not improve I will have to end everything because I fear if I stay I am going to cheat.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 7:03am

This is something that needs to be resolved one way or the other before you even consider getting married. You already know you're miserable and not going to make it with this marriage if things don't change. It's also a really bad sign that you'd be engaged and be completely unable to discuss sexual matters.

The first thing you have to do is talk to him. It may not be an easy conversation, but surely he knows that it's over too fast and that he's leaving you completely unsatisfied?

Assuming that he does care about your happiness, he should go to a doctor and try to see what can be done. There's also no reason he can't perform oral sex or use his hands if he finishes so fast. If he doesn't care and refuses to do anything about it, then at that point you'd have to consider ending things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:22am

I agree with Kelly. Don't even THINK about marrying this man unless things can be turned around. You're not married, but you're already thinking about cheating on him.

As Kelly also said, if you're engaged to this man, then you need to start talking. It's called communication. If you two can't communicate, then the marriage is doomed before it happens, even if the sex was great. Two people who are spending their lives together will have all kinds of problems....and if they can't discuss them rationally, without "fear" of hurting each other, then it's NOT a good relationship.

His "problem" isn't an unusual one at all, and YOU can't fix it. It's possible for HIM to fix it, but unless he realizes it's a problem for you, it's not going to change. He can teach himself better control, and that's what it is, control. He can practice the stop and start method, to learn to control it. But, more importantly, he may not have a clue that you're not happy, and he may be like many men who don't have a clue about women's bodies or sexual responses. How much foreplay are you two having? Women NEED foreplay, because women need clitoral stimulation to become properly aroused, and most women will have orgasms during that foreplay, if it's done right. Then when it comes to intercourse, she's already satisfied, and it's not the end of the world if he finishes quickly. 80% of women don't have orgasms from intercourse even if it goes on for hours. For most women, what's needed is clitoral stimulation, during foreplay, AND during intercourse.

If you're not getting the foreplay with lots of manual and/or oral clitoral stimulation, then you need to ask for it. You don't even have to tell him that he has a problem, or that you're unhappy about anything. You can just tell him that this is what you want, and ask him to do it for you. I'm guessing you're not well informed about your own body, and neither is he. Check out www.the-clitoris.com for lots of information, and have him read it too. Then you can open a discussion about trying new and different things together. (and a good sexual relationship is ALWAYS about trying different things, and keeping the sex exciting, no matter if you're married 25 years!)

It's very possible that he doesn't have a clue what he should be doing, and maybe you don't know either. But, if you have a good relationship, you shouldn't be afraid to discuss ANYTHING with him, including sex.

Either open up the discussion, and work on it together, or just call off the engagement, and end the relationship. Better to get the problem in the open NOW, than after you're married a few years, and out looking for someone to cheat with. If you think this discussion will hurt him, think how finding out you've cheated will hurt him. Fix it, or end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 1:35pm

I recommend reading "He Comes Next" and then having him read it.

The author of that novel had pre-mature ejaculation problems himself and the book is really good about coming up with techniques to satisfy men...which ultimately results in men being able to satisfy us. (I originally was turned on to this author for the book "She Comes First," which discusses oral sex and other sexual techniques with women since I have such problems with orgasming during sex). Sorry I don't have any other recommendations so others here likely have better things to suggest. I do think you need to talk to him. It's not going to hurt his feelings as I'm sure he's already aware of the problem and is just himself too embarassed to talk about it. You'd be amazed what just _talking_ will do for the sex life. When we can be open and honest with each other that helps the emotional connection grow and in my opinion that's a huge part of sex anyway.

For the record, I definitely recommend resolving the issue before marriage. It is probably very resolveable but, ultimately, if it isn't, you need to have all that information so you can decide whether the fit with him is right. I'm not suggesting you would necessarily break up with a guy purely becuase of sexual incompatibility; but I know that I would if I'd tried to work it out, actually talked through it and spent a lot of time trying to fix the issue, and we were still incompatible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 6:05pm
you need to talk to him about this. i know it is not fair for you, but bringing up the cheating thing kinda shows what kind of loyalty you feel towards him. you need to address this issue NOW. not after the wedding, not in 2 weeks. he needs to know this. don't interogat him, just lightly let him know how you feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 6:30pm
I was cruising around ivillage today and found their "sex toys" section - in it, they have a "desensitizing gel" specifically made for men who need a few extra minutes to please their lady. I've never personally used it or talked with anyone who has, but it might be something to look in to.... You can use it as a lubricant, just put it in a clear bottle with no label if you dont want him to see the "desensitizing" label - I get not wanting to damage his ego (though I do agree with the other posts and their suggestions to talk with him about it.) The brand name is Maintain and you can order it over the internet from different sites to preserve your anonimity (which I also totally get) Hope things start looking up for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:46am
Anything that will "desensitize" him, is going to get on her, and she'll wind up numb, too! Not a good idea, she's already numb.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 1:22pm
Have you asked him if he will continue to penetrate you after he orgasms? If he was to do that it would continue to feel good for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 3:57pm
That's a great idea, excepting that most men lose their erection once they've reached their climax. It might work if he's one of the rare ones that stay hard for a little while afterwards.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 2:00am

First I want to thank those who actually attempted to approach this subject with the sensitivity it warranted rather then bash me and my relationship. We have tried some desensitizing cream in the past but it gives a tingling sensation that he finds more exciting. I did not use the maintain brand so I might try that as we tend to like all the lotions anyways. As far as the person who suggested the book, "He comes second" Thank you so much. I am well aware we need to discuss this and I also am well aware he is not the only one with this problem I was just hoping someone else may have gone through it and could offer up a suggestion on how to bring up such a sensitive subject.

I personally feel that some people on this board answer posts rather harsh. Just because individuals come on here for advice does not make them uneducated or with poor communication skills. I realize there are those in life that only feel better about themselves by putting others down but I do not feel a board such as this is the appropriate place to do such. For many this is a sensitive subject and it should be dealt with in such a manner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 9:48am

I read the replies and I didn't see harsh replies, I saw direct, honest replies that are not sugar-coated.


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