Not feeling desired...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Not feeling desired...
5
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 2:07am
I am pretty upset. My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year now and we are both extremely sexual people (7-10 times per week used to be perfect for us). Lately, though I feel like he does not desire me at all anymore. I am not conceited, but I am a pretty cute chick and can have ANY guy I want and have NEVER been turned down. Furthermore I have never gone unpursued sexually by any man I've ever been with or in any relationship. Now that he doesn't seem to put forth the same effort, care enough about my desires, etc. I am ready to scream and walk into the bedroom right in front of him, grab my trusty Rabbit and walk out & into the spare bedroom. He masturbates more often than I do because a) he's a guy and b) he's home alone way more than I am. I feel like he'll take the time to get him self off, but won't put that effort into me or us. Or even wait for me to come home. Seriously, it sounds stupid but it's been over a week and that's A LONG TIME for us. I have tried to get dressed up (school girl skirt, lingerie, etc) and offered another photo shoot and NOTHING. He says "no" or "not tonight." Who says "no" or "not tonight" to someone that they used to want so badly all the time??? Help???
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 3:05am

His desire has absolutely NOTHING to do with your looks. Your looks mean totally nothing in the grand scheme of things. Honestly, look at this rationally - there are many older women who have great sexual relationships despite having had their looks fade. Or other women who've never been beautiful that have great sexual relationships.

Look for your answer instead with far more important issues regarding how well your relationship is faring. Are you beautiful on the inside? Are you happy and postive, a pleasure to be with? Do the two of you still laugh together? Do the two you still have fun together? Do you have great communication? Does either of you have issues with jealousy or tantrums? I'm sure you will find your answer in one of these options.

>>Who says "no" or "not tonight" to someone that they used to want so badly all the time??? <<

Who says "no" or "not tonight"? Anyone who is no longer sexually attracted to their partner. Sexual desire is not permanent in all relationships - only the best relationships have sexual desire that stays. Perhaps your relationship has run it's course. Many relationships do end, it's just the way of it.

Please, be aware that your looks are only temporary. Don't ever make the mistake of relying on them or thinking that they are important in any way. Beauty may be handy to reel a guy in, but it takes a good relationship to keep him interested.




Edited 11/20/2004 4:15 am ET ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 9:13am

I agree with everything Aisha said in her post.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 9:47am

I so agree with Tish and Aisha on both points. First of all, have you asked HIM what's going on? What good is the opinion of strangers? We don't know him, or know anything about your relationship. He's the one you should be talking to, because he's the only one who knows what's going on. If you can't communicate with him, that's a big red flag in your relationship.

Who says no to someone they used to want so badly? Someone who no longer wants that person so badly! "Wanting" a person has nothing to do with how cute they look, or how many OTHER men want them. It has to do with feelings for the person, and reciprocated feelings, too. Maybe he's just not that into you anymore. Maybe there are things outside the bedroom that turn him off. Maybe since you live with him, he's taking you for granted. Maybe he's never been as highly sexed as you are, and he was just doing to please you, and he's tired of it. Only HE can tell you what's going on, and if you can't ask him, there's not much hope for the relationship.

If you think that just because you're "cute" and have never been turned down, that guys will just automatically fall all over you....you're in for a rude awakening. Men might be initially attracted to the outside, but it's what's inside that keeps them around. If all it takes is looks to have a good relationship, then the majority of women would be alone!

Talk to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 12:06pm
Thanks for all the input. Just some more info about the problem: He was alwyas a little more sexed up than I. We have been discussing it to death. He is always the first person I talk to, this was just a last resort to see if there is something that someone else outside the situation might see what we are not. The part about my looks had nothing to do with sex and I realize that. It had more to do with confidence and sexual confidence that is quickly fading the more I am rejected by him. I know what turns him on regardless of if I like it or not, I have been offering to do those things with limited response from him. I think you guys hit it right on the head with other things going on in the relationship, but he and I have already discussed it. I was just looking for a different point of view. It seemed to me that sexual chemistry was something that he and I shared before the relationship has grown and blossomed and it would be an easier fix to start with the sexual issues first and then continue with the issues in the relationship once confidence was up and nobody's feelings were hurt everyday. Feeling like that can tend to make someone a little defensive when it comes to the bigger issues. I guess I just needed to hear it from "strangers" to truly realize that the relationship issues are what's causing the sexual issues. He has already implied that, but it never seemed as dramatic before. Again, thank you to all! And I guess next time I will just stick within my relationship to solve it and keep our great communication going strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-21-2004 - 3:20am

>>It seemed to me that sexual chemistry was something that he and I shared before the relationship has grown and blossomed and it would be an easier fix to start with the sexual issues first and then continue with the issues in the relationship once confidence was up and nobody's feelings were hurt everyday.<<

The reason that you were able to have sexual chemistry before you had a great relationship and not now, is because that initial chemistry was pure lust. Pure lust, if acted on is self sustainable. However, once that lust dies down and sex becomes a deeper thing - it is supported by the strength of the relationship.

>>I guess I just needed to hear it from "strangers" to truly realize that the relationship issues are what's causing the sexual issues. He has already implied that, but it never seemed as dramatic before. <<

Well, it's good that he's already aware of the relationship issues. At least you've got a good place to start. Now, it's just a matter of really hearing him out

best of luck to you

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace