Not satisfied Newlywed
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Not satisfied Newlywed
| Wed, 11-28-2007 - 1:12pm |
I'm new to IVillage and hope someone can help me out. I am a 24 year old newlywed and I'm not getting what I need from my husband in bed. He is a couple years older than me and claims he went through his strong sexual drive in his teens. I noticed the difference in our libido from the beginning...but tried to spice things up for him in hopes that he would be more interested. I know he is attracted to me, but he NEVER initiates sex. We've talked a lot about this, and he claims he never has to because I'm trying to get sex so often, he never feels the need for more sex. I also have a hard time reaching an orgasm, and have never reached one vaginally, so he has admitted that it's just too much work for him. I love to try new things...and try to get him to open up about fantasies, but he never comes up with more than having sex in bed. I'm so frustrated i don't know what to think. We haven't even been married a year and I'm already not satisfied...will our marriage last with this problem? I feel like I've tried everything. I hadn't masterbated since we met 3 years ago, but found myself doing that last week when I was so upset. The last couple weeks, he has tried to make an effort about initiating sex. But his idea is coming home from work and telling me we should have sex later. I don't know about anyone else, but this ruins everything. Where is the fun in that? I want it to be a natural, in the moment response to his arousal, not a planned out event. It ruins everything and I find myself unable to get aroused after he "puts in on the calendar." Is anyone else in this situation? We are madly in love with each other, it's just the bedroom trouble that has me so frustrated I'm worried about our marriage. Help!

You're not alone in not being able to reach orgasm vaginally, a great many women can't get there from penetration alone, which isn't terribly surprising given that most of your nerve endings in that area of your anatomy are in your clitoris. Do you stimulate your clit at all when having sex with your DH, using either your hand or a toy? Does your DH perform oral sex on you? Have you explained to him what it is that you need from him in order to help get you there? If you're comfortable with this, masturbating in front of him, showing him how you're able to get yourself there and having him try and emulate that, is a great way to do this. There's also a great site you can check out: the-clitoris.com that has lots of information on female sexuality and sexual pleasure.
I must admit I'm a little puzzled about why you stopped masturbating when you met your DH, and why you seemingly feel guilty about starting up again? My DW and I have a mutually satisfying sex life, but we both still masturbate on occasion. Sometimes it's nice to indulge in a little selfish pleasure without having to worry about also pleasing your partner, or to enjoy a private fantasy that your partner might not be completely comfortable with. As long as neither partner's masturbation habits are interfering with having a healthy partnered sex life, I don't see anything wrong with masturbation within a relationship.
I'm also a little puzzled as to your last point. You want him to initiate more, but when he tries to do so you're turned off by the way he does it?! I hate to have to break this to you, but you're at the beginning of your married life together now, and things are only going to get more complicated, and opportunities for sex harder to come by, from here one out. I've been married for almost 17 years, have 2 kids living at home, and I honestly can't remember the last time DW and I had truly spontaneous sex. It has nothing to do with desire -- I can and often do want sex many times throughout the day, but the opportunity just isn't there. If we didn't put sex "on the calendar", as you put it, it would just get squeezed out by other things, and would never end up happening. Quite honestly, I enjoy being able to plan an encounter that's a little more elaborate, knowing that it will actually happen, rather than getting PO'd because I've gone to all the trouble to plan something only to get blown off because she isn't "in the mood".
Edited 11/28/2007 1:38 pm ET by bostonsteve
Welcome to the board, frustratedwife.
I really sense your frustration in your post. Unfortunately, many people are in relationships that have mismatched libidos. Keeping up with the open communication is great and necessary, so kuddo's to you for that! Do you think he would see a counselor with you? There are sex therapist that specialize in dealing with this area of your life. They can help you get to the core of any problem that might exist, and teach each of you ways to address the situation. It might only take a few sessions, which is way better than building further resentments.
In my own experience, I've noticed that there isn't an on and off switch. You mention his initiation as an announcement for a later event when he gets home from work. While that doesn't seem romantic to you, or it feels penciled in to you, it might be a baby step that he needs to take to try and meet your needs. Even though it's difficult, you're going to need to find some patience so that you don't stifle any efforts he does make. While it is difficult to feel like you'll survive in a mismatched libido situation, you'll also find that typically libidos fluctuate. You could stop initiating to see if he does, but chances are that will lead to further frustrations for you.
You mentioned that you quit masturbating 3 years ago. Please don't think that just because you're in a relationship that it's wrong for you to continue masturbating. The two experiences really don't compare, and masturbating might be a way to help you keep your libido happy. Many people in perfectly matched relationships still continue to masturbate.
iVillage also has a Mismatched Libido board. You might want to check it out as other members there are in similar situations. Here's the link:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlclashing
Feel free to continue posting and updating here too. Sometimes, reading through the other threads will give you ideas to help too.
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I knew I forgot to address something ... about having an orgasm during intercourse. Studies show that only about 30% of women have orgasms through intercourse alone. Focusing on it puts pressure on both you and your partner, and actually works against your efforts. Steve gave you a great link, www.the-clitoris.com. You can check that out to learn more about how the female body responds. It's also a great resource to share with your hubby. He might learn some tricks that take pressure off of him!
Is there anything that the two of you are doing for clitoral stimulation during intercourse? Using fingers or toys can be quite helpful. Many women also prefer to have their orgasm prior to intercourse, but if it doesn't happen (before or during), you can also continue after. If he has an orgasm, or ejaculates, it doesn't have to be the end of your pleasure for the night. Keeping that attitude might take enough pressure off of both of you that your encounters become more pleasurable.
As far as wanting spontaneous sex ... it's far more effective to teach by example than to expect him to read your mind, or to always talk about everything you would like. If the two of you live alone, then use your sexy ways to seduce him at different times and in different environments (in and out of the home). Building those steamy memories will prove to be a great resource for both of you!
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"Shouldn't he want me more than once a week or every other week? I feel very attractive and he's a guy! I want him to want me! Is that terrible? Any more advice?"
It's not terrible for you to want him to want you, but the stereotype that guys are always "on" just isn't true. Saying "he's a guy", really doesn't sum it up.
Do you think you're putting a lot of pressure on him, sexually? If he thinks that having sex is going to be a performance to satisfy you, then it might be affecting his libido. If it's a lot of work (in his eyes), then he might not always have the energy for it. Even if that's not the case, he just may not need it as often as you do. It seems like that is what he has tried to say.
What is his pull to the TV? Is that the way he unwinds and relaxes? Is he a sports fanatic? What about warming him up with a BJ while he's watching his last show of the evening? What about having sex before the TV goes on?
It sounds like he's meeting your needs when you do have sex. Your desire to have an orgasm during intercourse isn't really something that he can fix or improve. He can only help you try to get there. Do you try different positions, like WOT (woman on top)? You might find that position will work better because you can get clitoral stimulation during intercourse.
Does he talk to you about his masturbation habits? It's a difficult topic for a lot of people to discuss (or even admit to), but most healthy adults do masturbate, even if they're in a happy relationship. If he's masturbating a lot, it could affect his desire or need for partnered sex.
Even thought the two of you are talking, perhaps you're not communicating well. It's really difficult sometimes to get to the core of a problem, and often there's more than one contributing factor. Here are several varied articles. Hopefully you will be able to pull something from them that you will find helpful.
Everything You Want to Know about Orgasms
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexorgasm/0,,traceycox_c4qgbvt5,00.html
Get Through to Your Man: 5 Tips for Better Communication
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmgetcloser/0,,84s,00.html
Recharge Your Relationship in One Weekend
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmgetcloser/0,,traceycox_9g1dp3qn,00.html
Make Him Crave You
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsunderstandmen/whathewants/0,,hp6c,00.html
The Truth About Men and Masturbation
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/0,,drpatti_23n7,00.html
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