ina it is not you. he is the one with the problem. he really needs to go to the doc to get checked out. does he have alot of stress going on right now? cause that could cause it. so dont that it out on your self.
I am not sure what advice to give just yet, so I will go with what you have said so far. You have not defined what you do in foreplay. If you are talking about he doesn't keep an erection while performing oral on you, that is perfectly normal! Think about it, what stimulation is he getting? Unless he or you are stimulating his penis while he gives oral to you, then his penis probably isn't getting enough stimulation while performing oral on you to maintain an erection. Sometimes it can take me awhile to O, and I'd be suprised if DH(who btw is 28 too) maintained an erection through 10 or 15 minutes of oral LOL. As for the occasional loss of erection during sex, from my point of view that may be brought on by your feelings about his losing his erection. Perhaps the issue you have with him losing his erection during oral has caused a little performance anxiety. I think men are more perceptive than we give them credit for, and he may sense your dissatisfaction. I know you said you were careful about what you said and I believe you, but even mentioning that he see a DR about this is enough to let him know how concerned you are about it.
What should you do? The FIRST thing you should do is to stop putting yourself down! If a man is going to lose his erection, he'll lose it with the "hottest" woman in town! If he's with you, that means he wants to be with you, and he's attracted to you. "Attraction" and erection problems are two different issues.
What I can't help wonder about is what he NEEDS an erection for during foreplay? He can please you with his fingers and his tongue....for that you don't need an erection. You can do the same for him....and eventually, the erection will come back, and THEN you can proceed to intercourse. If you want to give him oral......he doesn't have to be erect to enjoy it, and eventually, he'll probably GET erect again.
Explain the importance of foreplay to him, and ask him to concentrate on pleasing YOU for a while, and when the time comes, you'll be happy to help him get that erection back. He doesn't need it during foreplay.
If all he's interested in is getting himself off, then he's got a problem with selfishness. There are two of you in the relationship, and you BOTH deserve pleasure.
PS: Have you ever seen any street-walkers (prostitutes)? If being "hot" was important, none of them would ever have a customer!
Don't worry about it ... just do what you can to be attractive. Sometimes I spend well over an hour getting ready to look my absolute best for him. I wouldn't advocate anything outrageous like breast implants, but a little perfume, some nice lingerie and a dirty/sweet mind can work wonders for just about anyone. Just look your very best and the fact that you've taken time to do that for him will be a MAJOR turn-on for him I predict. I don't think attractiveness is all based on appearance, I really don't. Good luck!
A man of 28 probably shouldn't be having problems with erections due to age unless there is a physical problem, a drop in testosterone levels (which is more common in men past thirty than most people know) or undealt with stress.
It would be worth while for your bf to see a doctor to discuss this problem. This is hard for men and he needs to feel very safe and very loved to address this. So much of a man's identity as a man has (sadly) to do with his ability to perform sexually. I don't know if this is cultural or more likely biological thing (or combination of both), but one of the hardest things to do is to admit you have a problem in this department.
My gut tells me that this is probably stress related. Our sexuality (male or female) is effected by stess, but women have the functional ability to "fake it until they make it"...men don't have that luxury.
So be compassionate, but continue to encourage him to have this checked out.
I completely agree, you can't expect him to keep his erection during foreplay that doesn't involve his penis. I remember one incident during a relationship a few years ago when I was about 19. My GF at the time always liked lots of foreplay and I was happy to oblige. The only problem was that it only revolved around her. She had just had an orgasm from oral after about an hour of foreplay. I wanted to have intercourse but my erection had faded. All it would have taken was a little oral or manual and I would have been back up to bat, which is what I wanted since, of course I was still aroused. She just saw that I was flacid, and figured oh well, and went to wash up for bed. I felt like a vibrator whose batteries had run out. I was completely frustrated but I didn't say anything because I was embarrased and felt like a failure. It never came up again (like I said I was young), but now I really wish that i had said something. Anyway, Ina's guy is not a machine. Help him out a little, and if that doesn't work, then encourage him to go see a doctor.
I have an issue with the idea that mens refractory period, lack erectile difficulties, strenght and duration of erection etc are not negatively correltated with age. Somehow I don't think the data will support those who claim it is a myth. If I'm wrong, please correct me.
>>I completely agree, you can't expect him to keep his erection during foreplay that doesn't involve his penis.<<
That's true. During extended foreplay I can go up and down like a yo-yo depending on the attention that I'm getting. I suppose as long as he is erect and hard enough for intercourse then there is nothing to worry about.
I wonder if he has picked up on your frustration too. If the passion is lacking while you are making love (even with the quickies) he's going to feel less and less interested in them as well. I think that you need to start talking to one another and spend a lot less time talking about his erection and focus on the lovemaking as a whole. Work at extending the foreplay so that you're ready and interested. Once you've got you interest and desire back it may well rub off on him. If he's now seeing you excited then it will probably make him more excited. What goes around comes around, so to speak.
The issue of whether or not he finds you attractive isn't the issue. I think that it's about him sensing that you're not enjoying yourself as much as you used to.
Just an extra two cents on top of the other replies so far, great replies as always.
I do not have perfect erections all the time. In other words, even if wifey did everything PERFECTLY, that doesn't guarantee that my erection will "stay up" or last long enough or anything. I'm not going to get into the physiology of why or why not or anything like that, but I just wanted to share with you that for many of us guys (not all of us, but many of us), this simply just happens and it doesn't always mean its a problem.
YES there are actually "causes" to it, but most of the time Mrs. Para & I are able to work around it through patience. Usually my "problems" develop from being overstressed, overworked, tired, you name it. If I lose my erection during foreplay, no big deal, she and I are more than happy to get back to work on her anyway, OR, she continues on me knowing that I'll be able to get back to normal sooner or later anyway.
She use to be the type that always asked "whats wrong" or "what am I doing wrong" or "why isn't this working" and statements like that, but we've grown through that phase together and now just go with whatever flow we can achieve through patience and persistence and have been disappointed.
NOTE: I myself have gotten multiple clean bills of health from the docs and was repeatedly told to relax and enjoy being "normal" too.
Losing erection during intercourse is also not as as many people think it is either. It DOES happen with many of us and for different reasons, but it doesn't mean the women involved aren't sexy enough. As I said, when it happens to me, its my own body's exhaustion thats the common factor every single time.
Just some thoughts for you to consider. Hope you're able to work through it together, it always takes patience and more and more understanding. You are WAY doing the right thing by keeping up with the open communication...that will always be your greatest sexual technique in my honest opinion! :)
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amber
It has nothing to do with you not being sexy enough for him or you not being a turn on for him.
Leticia
What I can't help wonder about is what he NEEDS an erection for during foreplay? He can please you with his fingers and his tongue....for that you don't need an erection. You can do the same for him....and eventually, the erection will come back, and THEN you can proceed to intercourse. If you want to give him oral......he doesn't have to be erect to enjoy it, and eventually, he'll probably GET erect again.
Explain the importance of foreplay to him, and ask him to concentrate on pleasing YOU for a while, and when the time comes, you'll be happy to help him get that erection back. He doesn't need it during foreplay.
If all he's interested in is getting himself off, then he's got a problem with selfishness. There are two of you in the relationship, and you BOTH deserve pleasure.
PS: Have you ever seen any street-walkers (prostitutes)? If being "hot" was important, none of them would ever have a customer!
A man of 28 probably shouldn't be having problems with erections due to age unless there is a physical problem, a drop in testosterone levels (which is more common in men past thirty than most people know) or undealt with stress.
It would be worth while for your bf to see a doctor to discuss this problem. This is hard for men and he needs to feel very safe and very loved to address this. So much of a man's identity as a man has (sadly) to do with his ability to perform sexually. I don't know if this is cultural or more likely biological thing (or combination of both), but one of the hardest things to do is to admit you have a problem in this department.
My gut tells me that this is probably stress related. Our sexuality (male or female) is effected by stess, but women have the functional ability to "fake it until they make it"...men don't have that luxury.
So be compassionate, but continue to encourage him to have this checked out.
Peace.
Scott.
I have an issue with the idea that mens refractory period, lack erectile difficulties, strenght and duration of erection etc are not negatively correltated with age. Somehow I don't think the data will support those who claim it is a myth. If I'm wrong, please correct me.
-phat
I will get you the info you are looking for.
>>I completely agree, you can't expect him to keep his erection during foreplay that doesn't involve his penis.<<
That's true. During extended foreplay I can go up and down like a yo-yo depending on the attention that I'm getting. I suppose as long as he is erect and hard enough for intercourse then there is nothing to worry about.
I wonder if he has picked up on your frustration too. If the passion is lacking while you are making love (even with the quickies) he's going to feel less and less interested in them as well. I think that you need to start talking to one another and spend a lot less time talking about his erection and focus on the lovemaking as a whole. Work at extending the foreplay so that you're ready and interested. Once you've got you interest and desire back it may well rub off on him. If he's now seeing you excited then it will probably make him more excited. What goes around comes around, so to speak.
The issue of whether or not he finds you attractive isn't the issue. I think that it's about him sensing that you're not enjoying yourself as much as you used to.
I do not have perfect erections all the time. In other words, even if wifey did everything PERFECTLY, that doesn't guarantee that my erection will "stay up" or last long enough or anything. I'm not going to get into the physiology of why or why not or anything like that, but I just wanted to share with you that for many of us guys (not all of us, but many of us), this simply just happens and it doesn't always mean its a problem.
YES there are actually "causes" to it, but most of the time Mrs. Para & I are able to work around it through patience. Usually my "problems" develop from being overstressed, overworked, tired, you name it. If I lose my erection during foreplay, no big deal, she and I are more than happy to get back to work on her anyway, OR, she continues on me knowing that I'll be able to get back to normal sooner or later anyway.
She use to be the type that always asked "whats wrong" or "what am I doing wrong" or "why isn't this working" and statements like that, but we've grown through that phase together and now just go with whatever flow we can achieve through patience and persistence and have been disappointed.
NOTE: I myself have gotten multiple clean bills of health from the docs and was repeatedly told to relax and enjoy being "normal" too.
Losing erection during intercourse is also not as as many people think it is either. It DOES happen with many of us and for different reasons, but it doesn't mean the women involved aren't sexy enough. As I said, when it happens to me, its my own body's exhaustion thats the common factor every single time.
Just some thoughts for you to consider. Hope you're able to work through it together, it always takes patience and more and more understanding. You are WAY doing the right thing by keeping up with the open communication...that will always be your greatest sexual technique in my honest opinion! :)
C h a r a c t e r
above all else
Mr. Para
C H A R A C T E R
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