Not sure what to do next
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Not sure what to do next
| Fri, 06-17-2005 - 11:37am |
My girlfriend and I used to have a very good sex life. We would make love at least once per week. We moved in together last February and now our sex life has dwindled. We started dating last summer and promised each other that we would masturbate due to have someone to do it for us. Since we moved in, our love life has gone from 2 or more times per week to once per every 2 to 2.5 weeks. I am always the initiator. I started to feel undesired and 2 weeks ago decided to leave it up to her to make the first move for once. Well it has now been over 2 weeks and I'm starting to feel randy. She is not an extremely sexual being and doesn't ever seem to be in the mood unless I want it. She says "If you want it, take it". I feel as though I'm not desired and attractive. Plus I'm afraid to bring up anything that I would want because she gets upset and "quiet easily". What can I do to make my sex life everything I want?

"Make it everything I want?" Well, you talk about it with your partner but with the awareness that we RARELY get everything we want from a partner and we rarely have the same libidos.
So, if you factor in libido differences, personal expectations, thoughts, desires, responsibilities and limitations, then you can't really expect that your partner will simply transform herself to fit your needs. She's an individual with her own thoughts and feelings about the subject and you said yourself that she's not a very sexual person so, you knew that going in.
But find out what's changed since you moved in together and try and resolve that issue, if possible. It sounds like she feels a little put upon when you ask for sex, as if she's pressured or under stress. Try to get her to talk about what's going and don't be put off by her silent treatment, that's just avoidance. Remind her that you can't understand if you don't know what's going on! She could be depressed or have other problems that you know nothing about.
Good sex begins with good communication so you must to tell her what you need to be happy, and ask her to compromise on the frequency and responsibility for initiation. Ask her if she knows that when she says "if you want it, take it" it makes you feel undesirable and unloved. Be honest about your feelings and hopefully, she'll be inspired to do the same.
Personally, I have the higher libido in my marriage but my DH compromises on frequency and I take care of myself when needed. (Not sure what you meant with your masturbation comment.) But I would never want to pressure my DH for sex, I have too much pride for that, however, I did expect him to work with me to find a middle ground that he could live with and we've managed to do that after many years together.
Work together to find a compromise and ask for more sensitivity on her part.
Edited 6/17/2005 1:18 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Chaos,
I kinda feel your pain when it comes to her reactions when you try to communicate with her. Its one thing to feel undesired, but I understand it feeling even worse when she doesn't want to talk about it either.
I'm curious to know what info you DID get out of her when you tried talking. Did she give any indication at all about why she'd changed? Has she hinted, even sarcastically, at anything regarding you during this time she changed? Remember every clue, I say, just never know how helpful it may be.
To avoid accidentally causing her to feel pressured in any way, perhaps you could explain to her that its a-okay for her to be the way she is and that you just want to be sure that you are making her happy and that you're not doing anything wrong, thats all.
Remember, by her that her interests are before your own, you'll get much better reception from her that way. Wish I knew what else to tell ya, but I only know the part of the story you shared so far. Hope the replies can help.
C H A R A C T E R