Not sure what I'm complaining about

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Not sure what I'm complaining about
3
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 11:44pm
I have been with my g/f for 3 years. We are both around 40 and divorced. I have not been with a lot of women, but I paid attention to what they like and have always been told I was very good.(I'm sorry-I know this sounds arrogant) My g/f has been with a lot of men other than me. It was tough to deal with that, but I love her so I got past it. Before me, she had never had an orgasm with anyone else. Masturbation was her only outlet and she was not really comfortable doing that. Now she has multiple orgasms every time. And wants more. Don't get me wrong- I enjoy it, but it's getting to be consistently one sided. I am as busy as a one armed paper hanger getting her off and I am allowed to come when she is ready to be done. Nearly always in the position she likes best, since it "works for her". I feel like I have created a monster. She really doesn't see this as a problem, since we always end with intercourse and I am satisfied. It is a rare day indeed when she reciprocates in the effort. At first my ego got the better of me and I felt like if I was able to do this for her after so many years of disappointment she would be happy. Now I'm not so sure this will ever happen. What can I do to get through to her?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 12:13am

I'm not quite sure what you're complaining about either! What is it that you want her to do that she's not doing? I'm getting the feeling that you think you're just there to "service" her, and she's not appreciative enough? Or is it that she just "takes" and doesn't "give"?

Exactly how do you expect her to "reciprocate" your effort? When you say "your effort"....is it a "chore" for you? The only thing I can figure out is that you give her LOTS AND LOTS of foreplay......and then when she's had enough, she "allows" you to enter her, and finish. Is that it?

Is it just a feeling that you get that she's getting all the pleasure, and you're not? During all that foreplay, is she doing ANYTHING, or is she just laying there, letting you "work on her"?

I think I understand how your wife feels, because what you say about her "past" is very similar to mine. I was married for 20 years, and never had an orgasm....because my ex was clueless about sex, and it was all about him. Then I was divorced, and was involved with a few men.....and eventually met one who gave me enough confidence to allow orgasms to happen. That was quite a "revelation" for me. That relationship lasted for 7 years, and when it was over, I felt that I was too old (50), and I'd never find a relationship like that again. I didn't.....I was celibate for 12 years. Then I met a man who not only was fantastic in bed, but he LOVED giving me pleasure. There were times when he didn't even care if he got his...he seemed to thrive on seeing ME revel in it. BUT, I still reciprocated.....I wouldn't let it be JUST about me. We moved around, we changed positons, when a part of my body got tired, I made him stop, and pleasured him for a while. Eventually, like your wife, I was just too tired to go on.......but I made sure, like she does, that he finished, whether it was from intercourse, or orally.

I'm guessing that SHE isn't making an effort to give you some pleasure along the way. Is that it? If so, there's only one solution. Talk to her, and tell her how you feel. She may not even realize it. It really should be a two way street. She's happy to have found a man that gives her pleasure, but she needs to try to give some back along the way, not just when she's done, and wants it over with. ONe of the most important parts of sex is the ability to talk about it......if you're not happy, then you have to let her know, and talk about what can change that would make you feel better. If she appreciates your efforts, and she should, then she should also be open to making some changes. Good Luck.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:13am

I agree with GTB. Whenever you feel unappreciated, or that you aren't getting your needs met, or that a routine is developing that's one-sided, then discuss it with your partner.

IF you expect her to just know what you're thinking, then that's your first mistake. Spell out what you'd like during sex and then expect it. If she cares enough and is listening, you should get it.

My DH and I like to give one another one night a week of nothing but pure selfish pleasure. On that night, it's all about the other. Maybe you could incorporate something like that into your love life so that you KNOW that on that one night, YOU are her only focus and concern. Yes, tell HER to play the "one-armed paper hanger" once in a while! LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:50pm
Well, I'm not very experienced sexually, but I know that communication and balance are key in any type of relationship. My boyfriend and I always strive to please one another as equally as we can. You need to discuss this with your girlfriend, letting her know that while you're thrilled that you've provided such wonderful services to her, you're feeling a little ignored in the bedroom. If she loves you, she'll want to give you the same pleasure you give her. I take tremendous pride in satisfying my boyfriend sexually. I think it's definitely a give and take.