not there sexually

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2005
not there sexually
10
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 11:40am
Hopefully I can get some guidance here. I have been dating a woman for almost a year. We have been sexually active for about 10 months. I want to marry this woman but our sex life is bothering me a little and is almost making me think twice.
My girlfriend and I have always done missionary position, which I think is fine. She wraps her legs around me which I like but never says anything.
I perform oral for her ever time, but she has only given me oral 3x and not to the point of completion. I asked for oral the other day and she said fine, but nothing happened. I had to squeeze out of her that it is because of her gag reflex. She will never tell me anything is wrong sexually unless I squeeze it out of her. After a while she just said that she wanted me inside her, what about what I want. I had already performed oral on her. #2, she has never really initiated sex. She has asked me one time and she asked "do you want to have sex". She also won't do any other positions besides missionary. I would like a little variety. Any time I ask her to do another position. She just rolls over and looks away, and I feel as if I've done something wrong.
What can I do to get her to "return the favor" of oral, maybe initiate sex once in a while, and try another position?
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 11:52am

There could be many reasons why she's shy in bed, early sexual trauma, like rape or molestation, is just one possibility.

But if you really care for this woman and can see a future with her, then be honest about your needs. Of course, you shouldn't expect to get everything you may desire in any relationship, but a reasonable compromise and an attentive ear isn't too much to ask for.

IF there is something in her past that causes her to shy away from certain acts or positions, then you should be able to ask what that is. I doubt that her gag reflex would be the actual reason why she doesn't like to reciprocate orally though...since she doesn't have to deep throat. But her rolling away and "removing herself" seems to indicate some shame or discomfort with your ideas.

If this is just personal discomfort or a lack of sexual confidence due to a lack of experience, then you can help her with your patience and encouragement. But you DO need to know why she reacts the way she does and decide if there is hope for your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2005
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 1:53pm
Thank you for your input. My girlfriend is overweight, which doesn't bother me in the least. I'm a bit overweight and I enjoy sex anyways. My exgirlfriend had a very high libido and very much enjoyed giving me oral and I miss that now. I don't expect miracles overnight but my girlfriend doesn't much like talking about the subject either. I know it is definitely not something to talk about in the bedroom, but also doesn't like talking about it face to face either. Should I talk to her about it through email? She didn't have any problems in childhood. I'm the 2nd person that she has been sexual active with and the first that she has given oral too. I have encouraged her because she has done a good job 2 out of the 3 times that she did it.
Thanks again for your input.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 2:10pm
If she won't talk about it face to face, it might be easier for her to communicate with you through email although in person I feel is better.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 2:31pm
First, don't compare apples to oranges. Comparing you ex to your present is never a good thing. So, erase the ex from your mind and concentrate on your girlfriend now. She needs you to give her understanding and compassion. Don't force her to talk, but rather let her come to you. If she feels comfortable enough, then she will talk.
Don't call her to her face overweight (not saying you have, just offering advice). There's nothing more damaging to self-esteem than to hear your SO call you overweight. One will suffer. We're all the right sizes, as my 5 y.o. tells me. She says, "Mommy, you aren't fat. You're the right size." And, that I believe to be true. Perhaps some of her bedroom issues are self-esteem, so help make her feel beautiful. Focus on just her. Put your own needs aside and help her. In helping her, you're helping yourself. Don't expect her to give oral. Rather, tell her its up to her whether she gives it or not. Don't ask her. I never liked being asked because it always felt more like a demand to me. I had a boyfriend who would sit there and pressure me to give him oral whether I wanted to or not. His needs were always more important than mine. And, therefore, we never had intercourse. I dumped him for being selfish and demanding. My husband now NEVER asks for oral sex. He says I'll give it to him when I feel like it. And when I do, I never finish him off. I always have other plans for him, so I don't want him to come just yet. I have finished him off once only. Don't complain, don't compare. Be patient and understanding. She might have some issues from her past that she's dealing with. She needs you to be there for her to help her, not criticize (sp?) I know that nothing in your posts is criticism towards her, but I'm just saying that its best to approach the situation with love, not force. Don't be harsh, be calm. Help her and you help yourself.
Don't base your future on sex either. There is more to a relationship than sex. If sex were all relationships were about, we'd all be divorced. Don't base your relationship on something that sounds very deep to her. If she can't talk to you, perhaps you can find her some professional help. It does sound like she has some issues deep down that she might need your understanding and compassion on. Give her that and you're golden.
I hope that everyone else has given you better advice than this. But, some of what your g/f is going through I can understand totally.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 3:15pm

How can you know for sure that she had no early sexual trauma? Only SHE would know that and may not even acknowledge it to herself.

The problem could be self consciousness about her weight but that really wouldn't affect her willingness to reciprocate, I wouldn't think. She likely wouldn't allow you to perform cunnilingus on her either, if body image was the whole problem.

However, unless she's willing to talk about why she doesn't like fellatio and experimenting with positions, there's not much you can do. All you can do is ask and compromise as much as she is willing.

But I agree with Jennie, you shouldn't be comparing her to any past lovers. That's not fair and it's not realistic. She's an individual bringing new experiences and sensibilities to this relationship. IF she just doesn't like fellatio and is unwilling to meet you in the middle, then you'll have to decide if you can live with that.

Once again, all you can do is tell her how important variety and reciprocation are to you and ask for compromise. Then, the ball's in her court.




Edited 6/3/2005 3:17 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 11:47pm

I've got a couple of thoughts....

I does sound very much like she doesn't enjoy sex...but "why" is the question that you need to ask her.

Now, I'm more inclined to be forthright about issues in relationships so I wouldn't be using a 'softly softly' approach. If I were you, I'd come straight out and tell her that you are unhappy with the current dynamics in the bedroom. Explain how her reticence makes you feel. Also explain what you want from her and how that would make you feel. Also tell her that if she has problems with sex and sexuality, that you are willing to work with her, but she must be prepared to communicate with you. This may sound blunt, but as far as I'm aware, you're only asking for some pretty standard stuff. Relationships are based on communication - and if she can't give you basic communication - then it's not a relationship to base a marriage on.

If her weight is an issue with her, I would push a proactive approach. "I love you how you are. BUT if you don't like your weight, then do something about it"

I also disagree with some posters who've told you to not compare her to your ex. Certainly, don't do it openly - but I would imagine that it would be impossible to forget what it feels like to have your needs met. People extoll the virtues of having different people before settling down to marriage - and the very reason for this is so that we can work out what we really want and need. You have worked out that you need a woman who will at least do the basics in the bedroom and one who will show open desire for you. This is not an unrealistic expectation - and it is an expectation that if not met, could ruin a marriage. Better to have it figured out now than once you are married.

Also, we do see the fallout posters who are married to people that don't satisfy them. It's all well and good to say that a marriage isn't based on sex, but you do need to make sure that your basic needs are being met. If you don't feel that she has passion for you, then it's not worth persuing.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for nodinero
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 2:36pm
I read your post and my heart goes out to you. Speaking only from my experience, I was molested as a child by several different men at different times in my life. I wasn't quite as unwilling to experiment as your girlfriend but I did have some issues with certain positions. When I had my first orgasm I started crying. My dh was only my boyfriend at the time and he was really confused. He started thinking he was doing something wrong. I finally broke down and told him all about my childhood traumas. I was very shy in bed and felt for a very long time that doing certain things, like oral was wrong and dirty. It took a few years of my dh being super supportive and understanding for me to finally feel free from the past. We've been married for 12 years and our sex life is fabulous. I'm not afraid to try new stuff and I've completely healed from the past. Our only issue now is our sex is over too soon. We both head straight for the finish line so to speak! If he didn't ask me flat out what he was doing wrong and I didn't come clean about what was truly going on, our relationship would have failed. Communication is the key here. You have been dating long enough that you should be able to tell her exactly what you're feeling. Good luck to you!

 

 

         Sylvia-Pet-Sig.jpg

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 3:39pm

Absolutely, GF.

To the OP: You can't just assume that she is reacting this way for no good reason. And it's not unusual for rape or molestation victims to put on weight either.

There's ALWAYS a reason why someone seems unresponsive to requests or unwilling to try to please the person they love and themselves. Ask her to help you understand. Don't give up on her without a good fight.




Edited 6/5/2005 3:41 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 4:15pm

I know a few of my friends were intimidated by their boyfriends and felt they couldn't 'measure up' and were very shy in the beginning. Even if she wasn't molested as a child (which seems to be what everyone automatically thinks when someone is nervous about some type of sex) was her upbringing sexually repressive?

Her parents, religion, peers could have given her messages that 'good girls' don't do certain things, or that a guy won't respect a woman who acts like a 'whore'. She couldn't also just be insecure about her sexual prowess if she isn't experienced (and especially if you ARE). Perhaps when you ask for something new and different she takes that as an insult - as if what she was already doing wasn't 'enough'.

The bottom line, though, is DON'T feel bad or guilty for attempting to spice up your sex life. She should be able to talk to you directly about why she is dragging her heels about doing new things. There IS a reason, she just needs to let it out! Let her know that if you two can communicate, there is every reason to believe you can BOTH be happy and comfortable.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:45am
Thank you all that have posted. I am going to push more to find out more to benefit our relationship. I will post again when I have a break through.