not what you have, how you use it
Find a Conversation
not what you have, how you use it
| Sat, 08-25-2007 - 7:56pm |
ok, I've been repeatedly told this through out my life.
As I have established in another thread, I am inexperienced when it comes to intercourse. I believe I am quite good at giving oral and at foreplay, I have been told I was many times, I can do nothing but believe them.
So my question, as lame as it sounds, is "how do you use it"?
short of the basic in and out method, I'm always confused by the "how you use it" comment.

Pages
I think that's just one of those old sayings that mean absolutely nothing. I also think if anything, it's meaning refers to "size". I've used that line myself, but I always add how you use it, AND the other tools you have......which you say you do.
I can't speak for other women, but for myself, I feel like the penis is made for a man's pleasure, just as the clitoris is made for a woman's pleasure. When you've given a woman enough foreplay to satisfy her, or at least to get her "warmed up".....then it's the man's turn....and he gets HIS pleasure with intercourse. Not to say I don't LIKE intercourse, but since the vagina has very little feeling inside.....the pleasure I get is "emotional"......because I've had my turn, and now it's wonderful to see my partner "getting his"!
After he's given ME pleasure, I love being able to give him the same. That's just how I feel about it.
"It's not what you have, it's how you use it."
I always thought that it meant, it's not how big your penis is, it's how well you use it.
My interpretation of that was that there is much more to good sex than just having good sized penis. There isn't a heck of a lot a penis can do on it's own - it can go in. It can go out. In fact it's very good at going in and out but not very good at anything else. That's where the "how you use it" comes into play because once you've gone in and out a few times you've kinda reached your limit for fun stuff the penis can do. "In and out" gets boring pretty fast if you haven't got any other tricks up your sleeve.
Different positions, foreplay, kissing, touching, ability to be intimate and a good understanding of a woman's needs and responses all combine to let you know when exactly the few minutes of that ol' "in and out" with the penis is most effective. If you get all the other stuff right and use what you have at the right moment you'll find that you are a pretty good lover. And that's what it's all about.
What to do during the intercourse itself? It's just an extension of the foreplay. You can still kiss her, move your body against hers, stroke her hair, her face, her body, touch her in different places..... there is lots that you can do while doing the basic in and out thing with your penis.
follow me to
my partner in the siggy exchange
I see you have gotten some excellent advice already. I'm going to elaborate a little more on what Westridge started....
There are many things about a penis that women find arousing in addition to the basic "in and out" motion. Feeling an erection grow, seeing and/or feeling it squirt, anticipating the feel of it, having it enter slowly, ..... There are also things that work in combination with the use of a penis. Having different parts of the body touched during intercourse, being in a position that provides g-spot stimulation, being in a position that allows the penis to bump the cervix, having the penis rub against the clitoris, ....
I know that you were given a link to www.the-clitoris.com. That site really does have a lot of great information about the female anatomy and how to sexually satisfy it. When you're in a new relationship, it's not likely that you will be doing a lot of experimenting from the get go. Usually, both partners are a bit anxious. Anxious for the new experience, anxious about being with a new person, and anxious about their own performance. As your sexual relationship develops, keep it fresh and fun. Begin experimenting with different things, not necessarily every time you are together, but on occasion.
Another "tool" that wasn't really touched on here is the mind. I'm sure when you are thinking about sex, you don't just imagine your penis going in and out of your lover (well, maybe some guys do). It's likely that you're thinking about what you would like to do with your penis, or what you would like her to do with your penis, but you're thinking in broader terms, imagining those things actually happening. You may be thinking something like, "I would really like to bend her over that chair and take her right here in the kitchen." So, what's stopping you? Put your creative thoughts to work, and if you're thinking about what you would like her to do to you, find creative ways to let her know about those thoughts as well. Perhaps during fore-play, you can let her know about your fantasy while you are working to arouse her. The more aroused she becomes, the more she anticipates the "in and out" of your penis! Working all of her senses into the act will give her more pleasure, and the more pleasure she has, the better lover you are ;-)
follow me to
my partner in the siggy exchange
You know, I've asked this question of numerous people, both male and female and have never been given a good answer, the two posts here going into detail has been some of the most helpful I've ever heard.
I've asked numerous female friends and even so far as my father and they all him haw around it using stupid similes or euphemisms.
I honestly do believe what has been provided here is going to be a great help.
Here's another question, what cl-Misty mae wrote about, should I consider those to be a woman needs?
Or does that comment mean something else?
I'm sure Misty will answer for herself......but a woman's needs are the same as the man's needs.....to feel pleasure, to feel "loved", and to enjoy the intimacy.
Every woman's "needs" can be different, that's why you talk about it.....before, during and after.
The best lovers, both male AND female, are those who not only want and need certain things, but realize that their partner has just as many wants and needs. A good lover takes as much pleasure from giving as from receiving!
It's all about pleasure.....the more you give, the more you'll get.
Sexual satisfaction for a woman is a bit more difficult than it is a man. It's more difficult for a woman to have an orgasm, it's more difficult for her to get her mind into the event, and it's often more difficult for her to open up about her sexual desires. For a woman who hasn't experienced an orgasm, even during masturbation, she doesn't know what she's looking for -- she doesn't recognize the feelings associated with an orgasm, which sort of have to be captured (unlike the male who may not be able to resist from letting go). Working against the progress of her learning about orgasms is also her mind. Worrying about letting go, having someone see her making faces, having someone hear her breathing differently, and then there are those that are so desperately seeking an orgasm that they forget to enjoy the many sensations they are feeling. Even the woman that is able to easily have an orgasm may experience trouble when starting with a new relationship.
As a "good lover", taking the time to help her enjoy everything that sex has to offer is the best gift you can give her. Often guys try to rush to the finish line, putting pressure on the woman to indicate that she has also been satisfied when often she has not. Especially if a woman is shy, she may not even want to admit she's had an orgasm -- I know that might sound funny, but particularly if it's a new experience for her she's trying to figure it out. Having a feeling that it's important to you that she has an orgasm can be good and it can be bad. It's good if you're putting the effort into her satisfaction without pressuring her for results. It's bad if she feels like she has to have an orgasm to please you or to build your ego. The reality is that many women don't have orgasms. Of those that do have orgasms, there's no magic button that guarantees she will have an orgasm every time. While you can help her have an orgasm, you can help her learn about pleasure, you can't make her have an orgasm. Women don't necessarily need to have an orgasm to enjoy sex.
It is ideal if both partners can talk freely, openly and feel they can be honest with each other about their sexual needs, wants, and desires. That's not how it always works out though, especially in a new relationship. You can usually sense whether the other person is enjoying the experience or not. Even something like oral can get monotonous if it's not leading anywhere. If you sense that she isn't in to it, then change to something else. If you sense that she is into it, then make a mental note of what you're doing that seems to please her. You can use that in the future, and the more you learn, the easier it will be to please her. There is no deadline on building your sexual relationship. I think I mentioned before keeping it fresh and new. As you develop your relationship, you will learn new things about each other, you will get new ideas of things you might want to try, and you will get ideas of things that might not be so wise to try. Use those to your advantage to bring creativity into the bedroom, but don't expect that they only exist in the bedroom. Foreplay can begin long before you even get near the bedroom, and can take on many forms.
What she needs is the freedom to feel that she can be herself, and that you notice and appreciate who she is. That's what makes your relationship special, and carrying that into the bedroom just adds another wonderful dimension for both of you. A satisfied woman is going to be more responsive in all ways.
follow me to
my partner in the siggy exchange
Misty and the others have pretty much said it all, so I just wanted to reinforce the fact that it takes communication to find out what she wants and when! There are a few women who expect a man to just automatically know what they want and those few are left wanting because they do not express their desires. If you ask, she should be able to let you know. If not right then, perhaps later on outside of the bedroom.
Also, the point Misty made about keeping contact during the actual penetration is really what improves sex for me! I love being caressed throughout the lovemaking and just feeling his hands all over me. Soft touches are what really get me going! I also really like when we whisper to each other what we are thinking and feeling, emotionally and physically. And playing with different positions provides different types of stimulation, so just experiment with that and see how it goes.
I know you said in another post that you are a bigger man, so just try to find positions that are comfortable for you and allow for the most movement.
There is more to sex than just "in and out" -- although I do enjoy that, I rarely O that way. I love clitoral stimulation and primarily O that way. One thing I love is when dh teases me, rubs himself up against me (or I do it to him) and use his penis for clitoral stimulation before IC. More often now, when I do that, the IC is much more enjoyable.
Wendy
Wendy
Pages