Now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Now what?
11
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 2:00am

I had my first date last night with a nice, sweet, sucessful guy. But, here's the catch-I didn't feel any chemistry. His face was alright, and he was shorter than I like, but I didn't feel any sexual excitement. He has asked to see me again, and has even started to call me sweetie. He may be too nice.

So my question to you guys is: If the chemistry is not there on the first date, will it ever be there?? Am I wasting my or his time, if I agree to go out with him again?

After he took me to dinner, we went to a movie. Now, I usually get sexually excited in the movies with a man I'm dating and visualize how his hand would feel on my leg, with this guy, nothing.

I can't get excited about a guy if I think he's too nice to get nasty or handle himself like a real man in the bedroom. I would kind of like to sleep with him to see what he has to offer in that dept. Anway, opinions please??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: sweetivy2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 6:16am

Welcome to the board sweetivy.

I'm not sure exactly what kind of advice you are looking for here. Seems to me you have already answered your own questions. You're not attracted to him, so I don't really understand how you think sleeping with him will work out at all.

It was a first date. If it didn't work for you, then I think you should move on.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: sweetivy2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 7:10am

Not knowing anything more than what you posted, obviously, and I don't know if you are looking for just a casual relationship at this point in your life or not. I am going to give my 2 cents here. In my single days, I only dated guys who "excited me". I was "just friends" with those who didn't. Until I met my dh. I was dating his best friend with whom we had incredible sexual chemistry. We met at a party one night and we talked for hours. It took me 3 weeks to finally go out with him again because he didn't "ring my bell" but we talked several times on the phone and I enjoyed our conversations. When we did go out we had a wonderful time getting to know each other and soon we started spending more and more time with each other. I have to say it took me quite a while to warm up to him sexually. BUT he provided so many things other guys didn't-stimulation to my brain!! Now 28 years later (married for the past 24), we have the most wonderful, deeply committed relationship I could have ever dreamed of, AND the most amazing intimate, passionate-sometimes kinky- sex life that-yes, after 28 years is better than ever. We have two beautiful teenagers and a marriage that our friends envy.

My advise to my teenagers, find a partner who stimulates you in ALL different ways and is a great comunicator and the amazing sex comes with that. Chemistry is more than phermones.

My 14 year old laughs at me when I tell her to look for the "nerds", they make the best husbands!!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
In reply to: sweetivy2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 7:20am

livingproof, thanks for your post. This man I went out with isn't ugly. He's kind of cute-as I said, he's shorter than I like, but he has the most amazing clear-blue, vulnerable looking eyes. His conversation seemed a bit boring, but he did admit it takes a few dates to get over his shyness.

I was definitely attracted to the way he treated me. He was a true gentleman, treated me to everything I wanted, opened doors for me, was polite at ALL times, and seemed interested in what I was saying, not arrogant at all. And he's successful.

So, thanks for your story. I guess it wouldn't hurt to give him another date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
In reply to: sweetivy2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 7:49am

"he did admit it takes a few dates to get over his shyness."

That is exactly what my dh's personality is like! I actually initiated the conversation with him because he was sitting off by himslef at the party. Everyone else knew each other so he was a new comer to the group. I knew he was my "boyfriend"'s friend so I wanted to be friendly and make him feel more comfortable. And "nerdy" does not mean unattractive because my dh was apealing to the eye.
All I can say is it is nice to find a guy who is willing to treat a girl well and old fashioned dating is all about getting to know each other! Who knows, it may not work out but at least you can enjoy trying to get to know him.
Good luck.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: sweetivy2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 8:24am

I so agree with this statement:

"All I can say is it is nice to find a guy who is willing to treat a girl well and old fashioned dating is all about getting to know each other! Who knows, it may not work out but at least you can enjoy trying to get to know him. "

I also ended up with the "nice guy", after dating lots of fun and edgy guys. My DH isn't the "nerd", but he doesn't stand out in a crowd. I wasn't attracted to him physically and pretty much considered him the "nice guy next door". He worked his way into my life, and my attraction to him took me by surprise. Perhaps if she continues dating this guy, that will happen to her.

I don't think sleeping with him just to see if she should continue to date him is the right path to take. Great sex can just happen, but it's much more likely to happen when you have a great relationship first.

Now, if he was HOT and she just didn't care for his personality -- that might be a reason for casual sex.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
In reply to: sweetivy2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 9:37am

I agree with the others. You don't KNOW a person after one date. It's not necessary to have immediate "chemistry" either. Usually that kind of date (intense chemistry) leads immediately into bed, and within a few dates, burns out, too. Or it becomes a relationship based on sex and nothing more.

You enjoyed his company. He treated you nicely. So why not go out with him again? Every man you date doesn't have to be Mr.Wonderful, or lead to a relationship. If you have nothing better on the horizon...then go out with him, and enjoy your dates. Sometimes that "chemistry" develops AFTER you get to know a person, and realize how nice they are. As far as the sex is concerned, take your time and get to know him WELL before you take it to that step. You might be surprised that sometimes "still water runs deep"!

"Chemistry" and "bad boys" are fun for a while.......but it's the "nice" guys that win in the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
In reply to: sweetivy2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 8:57pm

I dated a guy where there was no chemistry for probably 3 dates.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
In reply to: sweetivy2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 4:24pm
I think I have to agree with the replies here that say if he is that nice, give him a chance. I met my children's father (my third husband at the tender age of 22) when a friend I was staying with brought him home from work with him and we both found out we liked playing chess. We probably spent 2 weeks of playing chess every night before one night I looked over at him and realized he was cute! And by then he had warmed up enough (he was shy too) that we had good conversations too. He was a good husband even though I divorced him after 7 years. That was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I tend to get bored easily though. We are still good friends and I would jump his bones in a minute if he wasn't married now LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
In reply to: sweetivy2007
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 10:33pm

Thanks, tamikins. :) I agree.

To all, the majority of you seem to think I should give it a chance. I agree with that. He's a really nice guy. He's been calling me everyday since our date, and last night his personality opened up a bit more. So, I think I'd like to continue getting to know him and go on another date with him. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
In reply to: sweetivy2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 9:41am

"So my question to you guys is: If the chemistry is not there on the first date, will it ever be there??"

Possibly. I think it really varies from person to person, but the first person I ever fell in love with, I actually found to be very unattractive when I first saw him. It probably took a month before my feelings started to change. After I'd known him a while it really didn't even matter what he looked like. Sadly, it was not to be (there was tons of sexual tension but we were too shy to do anything about it at the time, he moved, I started dating someone else, we lost touch for a number of years, etc), though we are still friends 12 years later and I'll always love him dearly even though I'm no longer IN love with him. He's the one I still remember after all these years, and not all those boys I had crushes on because they were "cute".

I wasn't immediately attracted to my current SO either (nor did I immediately have that "chemistry"). It took some time, though not as much as the first guy. So I'm a believer in giving it a few tries before you make up your mind. But that's just me.

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