Is the "number" really important?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Is the "number" really important?
21
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:41am

Should you ever tell someone your “number”…as in how many people you’ve been with sexually?

I had a guy ask me that recently. I wasn’t too keen on telling him, especially since I’ve only known him for a week and he and I aren’t having sex (we’re not even close to it). Why would he even ask? Why do people want to know that? I’ve never wanted to know that. I know that everyone’s not like me. I know that people are concerned about STD’s and such. What other reasons would someone want to know? I’m 28, and my ‘number’ is very low (only 5 people). I’m very inexperienced, to say the least. And, it’s been two years since I’ve had sex, as I’ve chosen to remain celebate until my next relationship. It's a bit anxiety provoking for me because it has been so long...I don't even remember what to do! LOL!

What do y’all think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:55am
You don't need to tell anyone anything. Don't ever worry about how many people you've "been" with or that it's not enough for your age.



28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:58am

Welcome to the board mali2579.

You're right each person is different, and might have their own reasons for asking such a question. Could be that he has been with many (or few) and wants to feel you out before he reveals his "number". Or it could be that he is worried about STDs, maybe he thinks you are waiting too long, or a host of other thoughts. The best way to find out why he wants to know is to ask him. Ask him why he is curious.

Often times, if you won't answer that question for a potential mate, it will make them a bit cautious. It depends on their motivation for wanting to know in the first place, so that's why it is important to know why they care.

Incidentally, experience doesn't have much to do with how many partners you have had. I'm not sure about your relationship status with your 5 lovers, but for many, one lifetime lover can give them all the experience anyone would ever desire. For others, 5 one night stands may leave them feeling like they don't understand what all the hoop-lah is about. It's much more important to be ready for the sexual experience and to be with the right partner than it is to worry about who is more experienced. Choosing the right partner depends on what you're looking for as well. Some people are only interested in casual relationships while others want a full commitment.

As for the anxiety, when you are with the right person, for the right reason -- whatever YOUR reason is, that will all fall by the wayside. Your body will guide you through the rest.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:17am

As far as I'm concerned, the only people who would ask that are insecure people. They NEED to know if you're more experienced than they are, or if it's a guy, if someone was "bigger" or "better". Numbers mean nothing. You could have been wild in your teens and had sex with the whole football team. So what? When you grew up a little, you changed your ways. Whatever you did in your past makes you what you are today......and it should be kept in the past. The only thing a guy needs to know is if you're still a virgin, and if you're not, if you've been tested for STD's.

As for experience, that doesn't equate "knowledge"! A guy can have a high number, and not have a clue about a woman or her body, or how to give her pleasure.

It's a rude and unnecessary question, and should be answered with another question...."why do you want to know? Are you keeping score?"

A guy that's "secure" in himself knows you've been with other guys if you're not a virgin. He doesn't have to ask, and knows that it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you're with him now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:51pm
i am so sorry that you have to put up with a guy like that. rule numero uno, when a guy asks you your number he is insecure sexually, so run from him. i mean the number of people you have sex with is very private and i understand where you coming from. but if u are digging this guy and clueless be vocal and ask him seductively, how many does he think. rule 2 that keeps him guessing. hope it all works out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 2:42pm
I just gotta say WOW to all the good advice we have on this board. Some people are more open with some topics than others, so perhaps he was just curious -- not to excuse him, most people do not ask about this one. I belief in always be nice, i.e. don't stoop to his level and insult him. Another spin, type of answer with a non answer i.e. 'Say with a little wink and flirt, the local blood bank wants me to give again'. That does not say you are a virgin or not, just that you are 'clean', if your relationship goes further.

jason.jpg picture by Casey28zs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 2:51pm
i understand your comment but u have to place yourself in her shoes. if she's reaching new heights for her man then why cant he do the same for her. guys like him are part of increasing number of horny 20 somethings
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 3:31pm
Good point -- I still say that there is not reason to be rude, or just run, if she can educate him in a nice way he may stop and change his ways -- not that I am or was trying to say he should have asked her that.

jason.jpg picture by Casey28zs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 7:03pm
The number question means different things to different people. With most people I do not think it is an STD question...For many people, a person with a high number, could be a red flag. Most people use the excuse that they just love sex. Heck we all love sex but that doesnt mean we slept with everyone who would lets us..Normally if the numbers were obtained when the person was young, well, chalk it up to being young ,inexperienced and dumb. If a person is still acting that way in their late twenties or well into their 30`s or beyond they may have all kinds of issues.. They may have committment issues, they may be really bad within the confines of a relationship.. They may be the type who needs constant ego boosting stemming from a low self esteem. So having sex with different people is one way they reassure themselves they are desirable. Sex to many people with high numbers is similar to how a pacifier effects a baby. A sense of security. For most people it is not just because they love sex, it goes a lot deeper than that. Loving sex and variety is only their excuse, and many of these people do not even know why they behave the way they do.
A person who asks that question may just be nosey, may be insecure, or may not want to deal with the many issues that many people with high numbers carry.
Think of the people you suspect have high numbers.. Are they your type when it comes to what one looks for in a relationship?
It also is one way of a person checking out what ones thoughts are concerning sex and it`s value...For some people sex means nothing. To them it is "just sex" Sex is nothing more than a hand shake with an orgasm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 11:47pm
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Edited 8/22/2007 2:12 am ET by capegirardeau
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 7:42am

Welcome to the board capegirardeau.





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