Is the "number" really important?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Is the "number" really important?
21
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:41am

Should you ever tell someone your “number”…as in how many people you’ve been with sexually?

I had a guy ask me that recently. I wasn’t too keen on telling him, especially since I’ve only known him for a week and he and I aren’t having sex (we’re not even close to it). Why would he even ask? Why do people want to know that? I’ve never wanted to know that. I know that everyone’s not like me. I know that people are concerned about STD’s and such. What other reasons would someone want to know? I’m 28, and my ‘number’ is very low (only 5 people). I’m very inexperienced, to say the least. And, it’s been two years since I’ve had sex, as I’ve chosen to remain celebate until my next relationship. It's a bit anxiety provoking for me because it has been so long...I don't even remember what to do! LOL!

What do y’all think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 8:53am

I'm with the camp that would feel it is in invasion of my privacy, and would be "suspicious" of a man's character if he "needed" to know.

If someone wants to know my character, then there are better ways of judging that. Sex for the sake of sex, and sex with someone you love are two completely different animals, and can co-exist within the same person and be applied within different contexts of an individual's life. Like liking and loving someone. One does not negate the other.

With that said: STD's are not something that anyone should take lightly. If someone is promiscuous today, then yes, it may be a good way to judge part of their character. They may lack self-respect. Of course, some people are high-risk takers, period. They do many things that are risky (like jumping out of planes, racing cars, etc), so this may fall under that personality type. But I can't say that they are truly equal, as it doesn't sit right. Maybe it's the fact that they are not benign. They are also risking the welfare of others. But again, there are other ways of discovering this characteristic.

I don't see sex as a physical pleasure, and sex as a loving act as being mutually exclusive--they can co-exist within the same person. Just because you are capable of enjoying one, does not mean that you cannot enjoy the other.

Other than for STD's, I really couldn't care less how much sex my partner has had. As long as they did not hurt anyone (emotionally or physically) along the way, and they are trustworthy, loving, kind, compassionate, unselfish, responsible men, what difference does it make?

I personally think that many men "need" to know because of some deep-rooted insecurities. And that in and of itself could be a problem. I think these are the men who call women sluts and whores at every whim, because they truly do not like women period. They are intimidated and jealous of their sexuality. I personally feel that it's their own sexuality that they hate. They are not comfortable with their own sexual urges, so they despise women who would also have them. Just my own feelings. . .

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 4:54pm

Some people save themselves for marriage. Some people sleep around. Different strokes for different folks. I have no problem if someone doesn't want to date a person because of too many or too few partners, though it sounds like I'm in the minority here.
In fact, I would argue that if this man has found what he likes, we should all be happy for him. He's one step ahead of most people.

My advice is to be honest or do not tell him at all and let him make up his own mind. To do anything else would be controlling and manipulative. If you have too many partners for him, let him find someone he finds more desirable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 11:52pm
I think it depends on what your comforable with. It's your choice.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 12:02am

Mali, I just realized that you're the same person that posted on AMAM about whether or not this guy was "normal"......and this question of yours is one more behavior that proves he's a wierdo......and it's a good thing you ended it with him.

I answered this post long before you posted the other info.....and told you that only insecure guys would ask this question.....and what you described on the other board is just verification that he is not only insecure, he's a controller, and a guy that could turn into a stalker. I'm glad you got rid of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 3:08am
I think ONE reason a guy might ask a womans number is out of insecurity. There are a host of other reasons he might want to know. Not all people who sleep with many people do so just for the love of sex. In fact, that is a very small reason why people , both male and female, sleep around. There are definate personality types who engage in this behavior. One reason why people sleep around is because they themselves are insecure. They need constant reassuance they are desirable. That type of person is not my type. There are others.
Now for a man to ask a woman her "number" and he is not in a relationship with her, that is just wierd. None of his business. But for people , especially the early stages of a relationship, I see it to be a very reasonable question. After all most people are on their best behavior early on in a relationship. Info such a the "number" can be an insight to the person you are dating. A huge red flag is when they are too ashamed to reveal the number, out of fear of being judged by it. If you did it that many times, it is part of you, fess up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2007
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 5:09am
Not unless you tell someone. If a guy is asking, it must be important to him. So you might want to end your relationship. Your sexual tendencies are your business and nobody elses. Five times may not seem like much to you but remember the old adage "opinions are like a-holes, everybody has one, so some people might think your a whore (I DON'T).Would love to hear what you like about the site "May/December realationships
Jerry
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 9:42pm

"I personally think that many men "need" to know because of some deep-rooted insecurities. And that in and of itself could be a problem. I think these are the men who call women sluts and whores at every whim, because they truly do not like women period."

OMG--you just described my ex to a T. He is the only person who has ever asked me my number, and judged me harshly for it being way too high (in his opinion). He used to ask me "did you ever date anyone you didn't f---?". Meanwhile, he insiniated to me that his number was staggeringly higher than mine and told me stories of numerous one-nighters and worse--all stuff that happened 20 years ago. And yes, he threw the whore and slut labels around quite frequently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 12:34am
well any dating book will tell you that Is bad dating etiquette to ask anyone that question, b/c that is a very personal issue that you don't have to share w/ anyone, if way later when your conmfortable in your relationship if you want to reveal that info to your mate it is truly up to you, but dont be upset w/ them for not revealing to you either even if you make the choice to tell them your #
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 1:03am
capegirardeau, im sorry but i feel your are way off on your advise, a person shouldn't be judged by her past history is, you don't know the reasons a woman may or may not have been w/ many partners, if the guy has doubts he shouldn't be w/ her or he should protect himself, chances are if she was extremely active prior to him the woman would lie anyway, i certainly don't have a high # but would ditch the guy that ask me that question in order to determine wheter or not he would continue dating me. if your suggesting asking inapproiate questions that are none of your business are ok to determine whether or not you want to date someone, i quess it would be ok for all the ladies to screen their potential mates and ask them what their yearly income is(another VERY inapropriate insulting question)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 9:34am

Welcome to the board lani57. It's refreshing to read that he's your Ex. No one deserves to be treated as you were!

How long have you been apart?



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