O.K. ladies, a question for you
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| Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:02am |
About a month and a half ago I had a very bad experience, and I wrote about it here on this board. The women who responded were very nice, and helped me a lot, but didn't really solve anything, as I still feel like I am not enough for her. But that is not the point at hand. Ever since that day, I have had performance problems. I am not able to oprgasm from oral stimulation, and lately that has effected her self esteem. She has started to blame herself. I have tried to give what I thought would be helpful pointers, trying to show her new things that she can do to me to make it work, but I was wrong in all that. It is my problem, as I cannot yet let go. I started focusing to much on prgasm, and then I started going soft on her, while she was orally stimulating me. She is now to a point where she doesn't feel like she does anything right to please me. She seems to think that the last four years she has been doing things wrong. And that is so not true. She has been the best lover I have ever had, and by far the most giving, loving, and wonderful woman. She has always known how to please me. But no matter what I do I cannot tell her this, and have her believe me.
Not only all that, but now it seems like she is so nervous when we start to make love, that I begin to feel like she is not interested, and then I am unable to perform for her. It is a viscious cycle, and I am trying to figure out a way to get out of the circle. When I am pleasing her, she has become very good at showing me that she is enjoying it, and that I am pleasing her. I just want to be able to do the same for her. And I do, most of the time, but she is wrapped up in this whole men don't enjoy it unless they orgasm thing, I think. I have talked to her plenty of times, and her answer is always the same. She needs to learn how to please me again. She feels like she is starting from the bottom, all over again. She said that she thinks I would prefer it if she did things differently, and that she wishes I had not waited for 4 years to show her how to do it right. I get so upset with myself when she tells me things like this, because I feel like I am the one who is caused all this. I feel like I am not being good to her. I know I am the one with the problem, but how do I convince her of this? How do I tell her that she is the one who does everything right, and that my mind is what is stopping me? How do I tell her she is very good to me, and that I need to let go? And lastly, how do I tell her that my pleasure is directly related to her enjoyment of what she is doing to me??? If she is not having a good time with what she is doing than I will never enjoy it. I cannot feel like she is doing anything, JUST FOR ME. It has to be something she enjoys, or it is no deal. What can I do???? Please help me. I am sure with all the combined knowledge on this board, one of you will have some answers for me. I really need the assistance in getting her to understand.

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But as far as keeping things from becoming drab and routine, it takes effort. After 28 yrs. with the same man, I can tell you that your partner's pleasure and satisfaction must be your priority. All I seem to hear in the swinger's post's is ME, ME, and more ME! Just the wrong perspective if you're married.
It takes effort, creativity and openness, not to mention, commitment to keep monogamous sex exciting and some couples just don't want to make that effort. When sex begins to require a little effort, they go looking for the easiest solution instead of the one that makes the most sense.
Isn't that why so many turn to threesomes, etc.? I think that's just a "quick fix" but it can cause many more serious concerns than boredom. As the thread above very clearly illustrates, this woman's attraction to the third man in their threesome will likely cause some issues in their marriage. And no doubt, this issue comes up with anyone who involves another person in the marital bed, at some point.
It's easy to be attracted to someone new. The real joy is maintaining a great sex life with your partner and being happy and grateful with what you have.
I didn't mean to upset you
"I am not the kind of person who can just tell her what I want. If I do I end up feeling like I am making her do something that she doesn't really want to do, or something that she isn't really interested in doing at the present time, you know what I mean?"
Why would she ask if she didn't want to know? Why not give her many things you would like done so that she can choose one or more of them, and eliminate the ones she's not up to?
With respect to the issue that started this whole thing(I'm not really clear on it), is it possible that subconsciously you're holding back because you know that it bothers her, or you don't want to please her? Sort of a punishment for hurting you. You know, sometimes resentments show their ugly head in unexpected areas, totally not related to the original issue. Since I don't really know what the issue was, it's hard to tell. The one thing I see is that she wants so desperately to please you, and you're not responding. She's groveling, or from what I can tell, she's trying to "make up" something to you and until you orgasm from oral sex again, she won't feel that you forgive her. As silly as that seems, it may hold some truth. Many times we feel that we've resolved issues by sincere apologies, but the truth is that trust takes time and more than just words to rebuild.
Just a few thoughts, I could be wrong.
Edited 6/2/2004 1:48 pm ET ET by free_to_choose
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