O.K. ladies, a question for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
O.K. ladies, a question for you
26
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:02am
I am having an issue with my SO. I have tried and tried to explain to her that she is not doing anything wrong, but she seems to think that she doesn't know how to please me. Let me try and explain some of the situation. My SO and I have been together for 4 years. We have two children, both girls. We have been living together since the beginning and though we have had several problems, some of them serious, we are still together, and still making things work. Till lately our sex life has been awesome.

About a month and a half ago I had a very bad experience, and I wrote about it here on this board. The women who responded were very nice, and helped me a lot, but didn't really solve anything, as I still feel like I am not enough for her. But that is not the point at hand. Ever since that day, I have had performance problems. I am not able to oprgasm from oral stimulation, and lately that has effected her self esteem. She has started to blame herself. I have tried to give what I thought would be helpful pointers, trying to show her new things that she can do to me to make it work, but I was wrong in all that. It is my problem, as I cannot yet let go. I started focusing to much on prgasm, and then I started going soft on her, while she was orally stimulating me. She is now to a point where she doesn't feel like she does anything right to please me. She seems to think that the last four years she has been doing things wrong. And that is so not true. She has been the best lover I have ever had, and by far the most giving, loving, and wonderful woman. She has always known how to please me. But no matter what I do I cannot tell her this, and have her believe me.

Not only all that, but now it seems like she is so nervous when we start to make love, that I begin to feel like she is not interested, and then I am unable to perform for her. It is a viscious cycle, and I am trying to figure out a way to get out of the circle. When I am pleasing her, she has become very good at showing me that she is enjoying it, and that I am pleasing her. I just want to be able to do the same for her. And I do, most of the time, but she is wrapped up in this whole men don't enjoy it unless they orgasm thing, I think. I have talked to her plenty of times, and her answer is always the same. She needs to learn how to please me again. She feels like she is starting from the bottom, all over again. She said that she thinks I would prefer it if she did things differently, and that she wishes I had not waited for 4 years to show her how to do it right. I get so upset with myself when she tells me things like this, because I feel like I am the one who is caused all this. I feel like I am not being good to her. I know I am the one with the problem, but how do I convince her of this? How do I tell her that she is the one who does everything right, and that my mind is what is stopping me? How do I tell her she is very good to me, and that I need to let go? And lastly, how do I tell her that my pleasure is directly related to her enjoyment of what she is doing to me??? If she is not having a good time with what she is doing than I will never enjoy it. I cannot feel like she is doing anything, JUST FOR ME. It has to be something she enjoys, or it is no deal. What can I do???? Please help me. I am sure with all the combined knowledge on this board, one of you will have some answers for me. I really need the assistance in getting her to understand.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 3:27pm
Sounds like a plan to me. My DH enjoys oral sex as a main event but when he seems to be taking a longer time to orgasm than usual, he'll just give me the sign and we move onto intercourse. It really isn't a big deal and I don't take it personally even though he almost always orgasms from fellatio.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 10:11am
I love oral sex, as both a main event, and as forep-lay. That is why this is so perplexing to me. Yes, I may still have issues over somethings, and that may be the cause of it all. I don't know. It just bothers me because of the effect it has had on her. Personally I don't care. If she never did it, I would be happy. If she did it all the time I would be happy. But since she does it, and it doesn't ever seem to keep my focus, I am at a loss. I need to figure this out. It has really effected her self esteem and sexual ego. She seems nervous to do anything for me anymore. She is just getting over her period and we have not had sex in several days, but I have digitally brought her to orgasm, and she started to do the same for me, but then she started with the questions. What do you want me to do to you? For you? What would you like? Etc. I am not the kind of person who can just tell her what I want. If I do I end up feeling like I am making her do something that she doesn't really want to do, or something that she isn't really interested in doing at the present time, you know what I mean? I need to get over my issues I think, most importantly, and get a grip on reality again. She is more important to me than even myself, so what I have to do to get past these things will be nothing compared to the mear idea of losing her. It is a tough road, but one I am ready, and willing to go down. Been through worse in my life, I am sure that some strong, hard self examination is in order, and whether the road be wide and smooth, or it be narrow and rough, I am sure that my SO will take it with me, or at least be near by to help me up when it gets to rough. I hope that life does get easier, but I also hope that things don't become so drab that we get bored.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:08am
<reality again.>>

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 11:23am
I think you can overcome whatever you set your mind to overcome, Jeep. It's all in your (and her) mind anyway.

But as far as keeping things from becoming drab and routine, it takes effort. After 28 yrs. with the same man, I can tell you that your partner's pleasure and satisfaction must be your priority. All I seem to hear in the swinger's post's is ME, ME, and more ME! Just the wrong perspective if you're married.

It takes effort, creativity and openness, not to mention, commitment to keep monogamous sex exciting and some couples just don't want to make that effort. When sex begins to require a little effort, they go looking for the easiest solution instead of the one that makes the most sense.

Isn't that why so many turn to threesomes, etc.? I think that's just a "quick fix" but it can cause many more serious concerns than boredom. As the thread above very clearly illustrates, this woman's attraction to the third man in their threesome will likely cause some issues in their marriage. And no doubt, this issue comes up with anyone who involves another person in the marital bed, at some point.

It's easy to be attracted to someone new. The real joy is maintaining a great sex life with your partner and being happy and grateful with what you have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 12:52pm
I have been through therapy before, and it was my own insite that did it for me. Just like this site is helping me see different angles on the same thing, I am doing that for myself. I do not need to pay the 300+ an hour to sit and have some quake tell me what I already know. Nor do I need to have him lecture me like all the others have done. By talking to you all, I am doing much better for myself, than any shrink could ever do. I have many hallways in my mind, many paths to take. But with the help and support of people out there like you, I have taken many steps, closed many doors, and made much more progress than I did with therapy. I went to anger managment therapy and councelling for affairs. Both did me no good in and of themselves for one reason, and one reason only. I ended up knowing these people, and seeing them to regularly to ever get comfortable talking to them on a personal level. None of you really know me, and therefore I can spill my deepest darkest secrets here, without worry of reprisal. Yes, I do have to listen to those who pour nothing but vinager my way, sorry honey, but even those have opened my eyes to a few things, very few, but a few. Tish, you have been a big help, and support at times, and I have grown to respect your opinion, in many ways. Taoist is an awesome guy. Verry poinient, factual, and aticulate. Also very calm, to my knowledge. So, you have all earned a lot of trust, but at the same time, no trust has been given, if you know what I mean. Because of the anonymity, I feel comfortable talking, and as I do, things will come out, and I will be rid of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 1:01pm
Kat, I agree with you on the post above, and I also agree with you on the threesomes thing. The reason SO and I did it, and will continue is for our own reasons. Not because sex between us is boring or drab, and that is really not what I was referring to in my post, but because I know I cannot do what two can do, and her pleasure is what is important to me. As is mine to her. We are working on our issues, and the threesome has absolutely nothing to do with my present problem. You and I have not always agreed or even gotten along in our posts, but since we have always come to an understanding without the bickering, and abrasive comments, I have formed a respect for your opinion. It makes sense to me that a threesome in the wrong relationship is a train wreck waiting to happen. And in the one above, the lady really needs help. My SO was open, honest, and straightforward with me once we sat and talked it all out. I know the whole story, and I am comfortable with it as it is now. We are fine with that. Now though I am not doing what I need to in order to completely satisfy her, or please her completely. She wants to please me, and I am not allowing it for whatever reason. Mentally I am stopping it, and I am trying to figure out why. I will figure it out, like I do everything else, and as more of my issues come out on this board, I hope that you all will continue to give your opinions, suggestions and thought, and treat me with as much respect as I do towards you. It is a real issue of mine that people do not treat each other with the appropriate respect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 1:09pm

I didn't mean to upset you


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 1:42pm
I know Tish, and I wasn't upset by your comment. I just did not like the experience of going to therapy. It was to personal, and close to home. I am a person who has always dealt with my own issues and problems, and I am finally realizing I cannot carry all the weight alone. I do need help, but where to get it is the question. When I cannot turn to the one I love, or close friends for that matter, where do I go. I close down, and it builds and builds. Sooner or later I need to let it all out, and on a message board, I have found some solice, some peace. I really do appreciate everything you say, even if I don't like it, I know you are trying to help. It is nice to know there are still people out there in this world that truly care about others, and not just themselves. This me me me me me world we live in is just to much sometimes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 1:46pm
Couple of thoughts:

"I am not the kind of person who can just tell her what I want. If I do I end up feeling like I am making her do something that she doesn't really want to do, or something that she isn't really interested in doing at the present time, you know what I mean?"

Why would she ask if she didn't want to know? Why not give her many things you would like done so that she can choose one or more of them, and eliminate the ones she's not up to?

With respect to the issue that started this whole thing(I'm not really clear on it), is it possible that subconsciously you're holding back because you know that it bothers her, or you don't want to please her? Sort of a punishment for hurting you. You know, sometimes resentments show their ugly head in unexpected areas, totally not related to the original issue. Since I don't really know what the issue was, it's hard to tell. The one thing I see is that she wants so desperately to please you, and you're not responding. She's groveling, or from what I can tell, she's trying to "make up" something to you and until you orgasm from oral sex again, she won't feel that you forgive her. As silly as that seems, it may hold some truth. Many times we feel that we've resolved issues by sincere apologies, but the truth is that trust takes time and more than just words to rebuild.

Just a few thoughts, I could be wrong.


Edited 6/2/2004 1:48 pm ET ET by free_to_choose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 1:54pm
WOW, free, that was very well put. May or may not be true, but it shows you do have a heart. LOL Just kidding you. Sorry. It may be something along those lines. I don't know, and that is the problem. I feel like i have forgiven her for the hurt she had a part in, but as I said in a previous post, I feel it is all my fault that I got hurt in the first place. She had no knowledge of the way I felt about her at the time, so how could she hold any of the blame. I know it sounds very rediculous to be mad at her, or hurt by her. I am neither. Mostly I am mad at him, and at myself, for allowing it in the first place. This is a situation that happened 4 years ago. When we first met. It is not like I can go back and change anything, now can I. All I can do is forgive myself, and try to forget. I had for several years, and then it came back up. If you read my first post on this board you will understand more about the situation. It is a very long story, and one I try not to think about to much. Anyway, I am getting a lot of good feedback here, and hope to get this resolved in my mind soon, as I hate to see my SO this way more than anything in this world.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rltwenty&msg=34247.1