O.K. ladies, a question for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
O.K. ladies, a question for you
26
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:02am
I am having an issue with my SO. I have tried and tried to explain to her that she is not doing anything wrong, but she seems to think that she doesn't know how to please me. Let me try and explain some of the situation. My SO and I have been together for 4 years. We have two children, both girls. We have been living together since the beginning and though we have had several problems, some of them serious, we are still together, and still making things work. Till lately our sex life has been awesome.

About a month and a half ago I had a very bad experience, and I wrote about it here on this board. The women who responded were very nice, and helped me a lot, but didn't really solve anything, as I still feel like I am not enough for her. But that is not the point at hand. Ever since that day, I have had performance problems. I am not able to oprgasm from oral stimulation, and lately that has effected her self esteem. She has started to blame herself. I have tried to give what I thought would be helpful pointers, trying to show her new things that she can do to me to make it work, but I was wrong in all that. It is my problem, as I cannot yet let go. I started focusing to much on prgasm, and then I started going soft on her, while she was orally stimulating me. She is now to a point where she doesn't feel like she does anything right to please me. She seems to think that the last four years she has been doing things wrong. And that is so not true. She has been the best lover I have ever had, and by far the most giving, loving, and wonderful woman. She has always known how to please me. But no matter what I do I cannot tell her this, and have her believe me.

Not only all that, but now it seems like she is so nervous when we start to make love, that I begin to feel like she is not interested, and then I am unable to perform for her. It is a viscious cycle, and I am trying to figure out a way to get out of the circle. When I am pleasing her, she has become very good at showing me that she is enjoying it, and that I am pleasing her. I just want to be able to do the same for her. And I do, most of the time, but she is wrapped up in this whole men don't enjoy it unless they orgasm thing, I think. I have talked to her plenty of times, and her answer is always the same. She needs to learn how to please me again. She feels like she is starting from the bottom, all over again. She said that she thinks I would prefer it if she did things differently, and that she wishes I had not waited for 4 years to show her how to do it right. I get so upset with myself when she tells me things like this, because I feel like I am the one who is caused all this. I feel like I am not being good to her. I know I am the one with the problem, but how do I convince her of this? How do I tell her that she is the one who does everything right, and that my mind is what is stopping me? How do I tell her she is very good to me, and that I need to let go? And lastly, how do I tell her that my pleasure is directly related to her enjoyment of what she is doing to me??? If she is not having a good time with what she is doing than I will never enjoy it. I cannot feel like she is doing anything, JUST FOR ME. It has to be something she enjoys, or it is no deal. What can I do???? Please help me. I am sure with all the combined knowledge on this board, one of you will have some answers for me. I really need the assistance in getting her to understand.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 3:02pm
Jeep, I have to take my hats off to you. I have not posted on this thread as I am not really sure how to help you out but you have helped me. JT and I have much of the same problem and I thought it was something I was doing wrong although he told me all the time that I was doing everything right. He is not a very vocal person about what he wants me to do for the same reason you are not. When I was reading all of this, I was wondering if you and JT were one in the same. Our situations are VERY much alike, even starting out with the threesome thing. I can say this, maybe it will help, maybe it won't, that I do not still hold anything against him and I have forgiven him and have moved on. Since all of this started (your post began), I have tried not to ask JT what else I should do and he has climaxed twice - much to my liking. I guess basically I wanted to thank you for feeling that you can be completely open to all of us here on the message board and your openness has helped me out. I feel the same way you do though about being able to tell your deepest, darkest secret and you get it out and off your chest. It helps a lot huh?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 3:16pm
Yes sweet, it does. I am very happy to know that you have taken something possitive from this thread. It has helped me aswell, although my SO has stopped all effort at this point. I think we are very close to the end, and I hope that is does not happen this way. I want her to know that I love her, no matter what, and will never stop loving her. She seems to think she can no longer please me and while this is going on, it has deepened those wounds. She is more valuable to me that oral pleasure is, but she seems to make great importance out of it. I have tried several times to just relax and enjoy it, but I cannot stop thinking about her feelings, and what she is thinking. She doesn't show any excitement over it anymore, and that is where a lot of the present problem lies. If only she would get excited about doing it, and really get into it again, I am sure that we would be O.K. in this department. We have many issues to deal with, but I truly hope that with time, a little effort, and a lot of love and understanding we can make it through these rough times, and get back to the fun and excitement we used to share. Thank you very much for the kind words sweet. They do mean a lot to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 3:32pm
I wasn't around when you first posted, Jeep. I took the following quote from you, from your link:

"I mean finding out that she had another lover who could get her off so many times in one night, I lost the confidence in my ability. "

Is this what this is all about? I'm confused. Was this the threesome guy, a friend, or a friend whom she dated before she knew you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 3:51pm
I don't know if this will make any sense on her part but as I posted on another board, I am having problems wanting to make love to JT because I am so stressed out about other things and when I am stressed, I am just like "Don't touch me!" LOL That is a problem JT and I are working through and although he understands, it is still hard to work through. I try to just grit my teeth and go through with it because it is not fair to him that he be "cut off" becuase I cannot let go of things running through my head to enjoy what is in front of me. But I know once I get to the root of the problem that is causing the stress, everything will fall into place. I think that in the end, if you work at it, everything will come together. If you lose her over a sexual thing, I really don't know what to say to that. What happens in your sex life does have an impact on your relationship over all but I don't think this is a serious enough problem to lose your relationship over...do you? You love her, you really do and I think that all of us here can feel how much you feel for her and I really hope that that helps the two of you pull through this. It is hard to just let go and relax and enjoy it but once you can learn to do that again, and she stops asking what else she can do (from you I learned that was a HUGE mistake with JT), I hope that will mend all the other problems. We are here for you, just remeber that. I have a favorite saying and it goes a little something like this...Keep your head up, your eye on the goal, focus through the storms and your heart in the game and the best will ALWAYS happen. You just need to weather through this storm and when you do, your relationship will be all the stronger from it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:28am
It was my best friend. It was before her and I got together. He took the steps I should have to get to know her. I told him I was interested in her from the moment I saw her. I felt something I have never felt before when I first laid eyes on her, and unfortunately, and to my great disappointment he stepped in front, and took everything away from me. We are no longer friends like we used to be. This was all 4 years ago, but it came up less than two monthes ago, again. I made the mistake of asking her about him years ago, and at the time she lied to me about it. Telling me that he was not very good at all. That his claims were unfounded, and that she had faked many times with him. Then she was planning my birthday surprise Bday party, and before I knew what was up, I saw him pop up on her IM, asking her to do him a favor. I got a little perplexed so I asked her about it, and she said she had no idea why he would be IM'ing her. That is were things went straight down hill. We talked for hours that night, and days afterwards, and the post you are referring to is the one that tells the rest of that story. Anyway, it all ended up being a lie. And ever since then I have not been able to perform. I got over my issues there. Now the problem is still stemming from that. She now has the doubts in her ability. It is a flipflop of the original problem. For the longest time I thought that because I was not able to give her 8 orgasms in one night, or 5 in one session, just from oral, that I was lacking or failing her in some way. It was you all here that convinced me otherwise, primarily. She has made me see that my fears and thoughts were not founded as well. Since then I have been more aware of her orgasms, and though I stopeed counting each and everyone I could tell, I have taken her beyond anything she has ever felt before. So, needless to say, my issues with all that, are pretty much over. Now it is just a matter of getting back into the swing of things, and getting her to realize that none of it was her. It was all me. I was the one with the problem. I am like most of the men on this board to my knowledge. I cannot enjoy anything my SO does, unless I know she is willing, and wanting to do what she is doing. And during, I always pay attention to her, to make sure that she is enjoying herself. Because I will not enjoy anything, regardless of what it is, unless she is as well. I feel like it is too forced, or she is trying to hard, and everything is lost. This may be my problem still, but I want her to know that it is not her problem, or that she is not doing anything wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:36pm
Okay, I'm goig to add my two cents worth, even though I'm a newbie (both to this board and to the relationship scene).

It could be possible that she feels very badly for what happened then and wants to make it up to you and get your forgiveness. If I'm right (and not way off as can sometimes happen) there is very little you can say to convince her that whatever happened is all your fault. She feels as if she should earn back your obviously unwavering affection. And since you are concentrating on her pleasure, that can intensify the feelings of not being good enough for you. If someone does something nice for you (a figurative "you" not a particular "you" in this case) you want to feel worthy receiving that gift...whatever the gift was. It could be a case of "He's being so nice to me and I don't deserve it" and she may feel as if she has to deserve your kindness and forgiveness both in and out of the bedroom.

Let her do something nice for you. It doesn't have to be sexual in nature, but it should be something kind. You can ask for it (something like a backrub comes to mind, you'd know better than I would what would work best, though) and let her take care of you in some form or fashion. Then she might feel as if she is begining to earn back the right to your affection.

I don't know if that helps or not, but I hope that it does.

~Kyri

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