O.K. ladies, a question for you
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| Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:02am |
About a month and a half ago I had a very bad experience, and I wrote about it here on this board. The women who responded were very nice, and helped me a lot, but didn't really solve anything, as I still feel like I am not enough for her. But that is not the point at hand. Ever since that day, I have had performance problems. I am not able to oprgasm from oral stimulation, and lately that has effected her self esteem. She has started to blame herself. I have tried to give what I thought would be helpful pointers, trying to show her new things that she can do to me to make it work, but I was wrong in all that. It is my problem, as I cannot yet let go. I started focusing to much on prgasm, and then I started going soft on her, while she was orally stimulating me. She is now to a point where she doesn't feel like she does anything right to please me. She seems to think that the last four years she has been doing things wrong. And that is so not true. She has been the best lover I have ever had, and by far the most giving, loving, and wonderful woman. She has always known how to please me. But no matter what I do I cannot tell her this, and have her believe me.
Not only all that, but now it seems like she is so nervous when we start to make love, that I begin to feel like she is not interested, and then I am unable to perform for her. It is a viscious cycle, and I am trying to figure out a way to get out of the circle. When I am pleasing her, she has become very good at showing me that she is enjoying it, and that I am pleasing her. I just want to be able to do the same for her. And I do, most of the time, but she is wrapped up in this whole men don't enjoy it unless they orgasm thing, I think. I have talked to her plenty of times, and her answer is always the same. She needs to learn how to please me again. She feels like she is starting from the bottom, all over again. She said that she thinks I would prefer it if she did things differently, and that she wishes I had not waited for 4 years to show her how to do it right. I get so upset with myself when she tells me things like this, because I feel like I am the one who is caused all this. I feel like I am not being good to her. I know I am the one with the problem, but how do I convince her of this? How do I tell her that she is the one who does everything right, and that my mind is what is stopping me? How do I tell her she is very good to me, and that I need to let go? And lastly, how do I tell her that my pleasure is directly related to her enjoyment of what she is doing to me??? If she is not having a good time with what she is doing than I will never enjoy it. I cannot feel like she is doing anything, JUST FOR ME. It has to be something she enjoys, or it is no deal. What can I do???? Please help me. I am sure with all the combined knowledge on this board, one of you will have some answers for me. I really need the assistance in getting her to understand.

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"I mean finding out that she had another lover who could get her off so many times in one night, I lost the confidence in my ability. "
Is this what this is all about? I'm confused. Was this the threesome guy, a friend, or a friend whom she dated before she knew you?
It could be possible that she feels very badly for what happened then and wants to make it up to you and get your forgiveness. If I'm right (and not way off as can sometimes happen) there is very little you can say to convince her that whatever happened is all your fault. She feels as if she should earn back your obviously unwavering affection. And since you are concentrating on her pleasure, that can intensify the feelings of not being good enough for you. If someone does something nice for you (a figurative "you" not a particular "you" in this case) you want to feel worthy receiving that gift...whatever the gift was. It could be a case of "He's being so nice to me and I don't deserve it" and she may feel as if she has to deserve your kindness and forgiveness both in and out of the bedroom.
Let her do something nice for you. It doesn't have to be sexual in nature, but it should be something kind. You can ask for it (something like a backrub comes to mind, you'd know better than I would what would work best, though) and let her take care of you in some form or fashion. Then she might feel as if she is begining to earn back the right to your affection.
I don't know if that helps or not, but I hope that it does.
~Kyri
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