OK, ladies, which is it?

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Registered: 11-04-1999
OK, ladies, which is it?
10
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:00am
I've talked to a lot of women over the years, some friends and some I was dating. On the one hand, they seem to think that they don't like a man to try getting them into bed on the first date. They worry that he's only after sex or thinks they're easy. On the other hand, it seems a lot of women feel that if a man doesn't at least try to "cop a feel" or make some kind of advance, the women wonder what's wrong with them...isn't he attracted to them or what? They expect a man to at least try. This strikes me as two different feelings on the same thing. Ladies, I'm confused.
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Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 10:41am

Like everything else, it depends on the woman.


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Registered: 10-09-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:02am
Why not just whisper what you want, rather than grope? Unless you can read her wanton body language and kisses, I don't think that a man should just cop a feel on the first date. What's wrong with communicating what you want FIRST? Whispering in the ear is a great way to convey what you want. I made the first move(past the first kiss) on my DH and I didn't grope at first, I told him that I wanted him. He responded. Great. We both were on the same page. I just could never understand the grope. Why is that the ONLY way to communicate desire? It makes things awkward if a woman isn't open for it just yet. It just seems more respectable to convey your desires first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:27am
I think if he keeps his hands totally, 100% off you he has, contrarily, about a zillion times better chance. My current b/f is the only guy I've ever slept with on a first date and he didn't even try to give me a peck on the cheek. Pay attention: I'm giving you a major clue. ;-)
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Registered: 05-21-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:51am
it IS kind of an anomoly isn't it...what i can say is, FOR ME, it's somewhere in the middle...for the first date with an essential stranger (let's say a blind date/ or the first date with someone you met briefly at the coffee house or something)- i want to get the sense that he's into me...but all i need is a simple good night kiss for that...if he's trying for anything more- TO ME- that sends the message that he's much less interested in my personality than he is in what kind of undies i'm wearing....

now conversely- with my current BF- at the end of our first date (which was a set up so we were basically strangers who'd exchanged a few emails but nothing more), i got nothin! no kiss no nothin...and it made me think he wasn't into me...so for our second date when he gave me a very VERY fantastic kiss good night, i knew he was super into me, just being very polite (he's kind of old fashioned chivalrous like that)....but after that first date with no kiss no nothin- it DID intrigue me more because he WASN'T going for the 'full monty' as it were....

in many ways it works the same for women- if you hold back physically it is intriguing in the early days!

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Avatar for katmandoo2001
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:06pm
Mancreature, just attempting a kiss tells me he's attracted. I don't need, or enjoy, groping from a stranger though. THAT would turn me off.

For me, I prefer to let things develop naturally. There are ALL kinds of ways to indicate attraction besides the physical though.

IF I'm very attracted, then I will let him know that things can go a little further with the kiss. I've taken hands and moved them where I like them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 3:56pm
When I was single, I would consider a guy "copping a feel" on the first couple of dates to be way out of line. A nice goodnight kiss is nice on a first date and tells the girl that he likes her enough to give her a nice little kiss. When a man actually asks a woman out again at the "end" of the first date for a second date should be enough to let her know he is interested in her. Not a feel up. Ask me out again, plan something fun, yes. If he just says, I'll call you - you're left wondering and I've always hated that. Most of the men that have been interested in me have always set up another date at the end of the first date.

Another thing is - with someone I really like and was interested in, I wouldn't want him to "french" kiss me on the first date - unless we had known each other for awhile beforehand as friends or something of that nature. Second date, french kiss is okay.

(Funny how women have little rules they follow). I've broken them though, lol. But for the majority of dates and men I have really liked, that was how I felt it should be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 2:03pm
I haven't dated in a million, oh yeah and one, years. So I don't imagine I'm your target audience, lol. But let me say this, on the first date with my husband, who by the way is 15 years older than me, he said, "I would like to have sex with you." I was 21 years old with no sexual experience but lots of dating experience. I replied with, "I would like that too." We had sex on our first date. Does this make sense to anyone? Of course not, but that is the way it happened. Something about him and the situation convinced me to say yes when I hadn't had any trouble saying no prior to him. We have been married 22 years. So I think that while most women, myself included, would be shocked and dismayed at the idea of first date sex, sometimes we will agree and sometimes a relationship will develop even though there was first date sex.

Robin

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Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 2:07pm
Wow. That is unusual! But I believe it can happen like that too. Rare though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 2:14pm
Sometimes fact is stranger than fiction. I too agree that this is probably not all that common. I've always wondered what it was that triggered my yes. He wasn't even really asking me to have sex but more telling me it was on his mind. In addition, my husband is not really a sexual man. He also assumed I had some sexual experience. My story probably isn't all that useful to anyone on here, but Mancreature's question reminded me of it and I think it serves to show that we don't always know what we want. All situations are unique.

Robin

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Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 10:47pm
As a guy I can't give you the answer you're looking for, but I believe that you have to 'feel' you way - but without using your hands!

There are plenty of ways that you can show physical attraction and desire without going for a grope or trying to stick your tongue down her throat. Just standing slightly closer than normal, touching, holding hands, etc are good ways of gauging things. If she responds and touches you back, holds your hand or arm, or snuggles up close then you can perhaps, depending on the situation, test the waters a little more. If both of you are comfortable with sex on a first date you can be sure that things will move more quickly. Otherwise you can just take your time and see how things go on successive dates.

Assuming that the woman is attracted to you, I think that most women appreciate something to show that you are interested and attracted to them. But groping and trying too hard just makes a person feel like either a piece of meat or makes you look like a player. It's all a balancing act.