One Minute Wonder

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2005
One Minute Wonder
4
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 1:00am
I have been married 2 1/2 years. My husband is lazy when it comes to sex. Its like a workout for him which he is too out of shape to do. He gets tired easily and finishes quickly. I am luck if we have sex for 5 minutes. It easy for me to get him excited about it but he does his thing and leaves me stranded. I am not sure how to fix this. I try to explain to him how I feel about it, but he gets upset. I could just sit back and take what I can get, but I dont feel that its right. I was hoping maybe someone out there can get me some advice. Everything else in our marriage is great. I feel like I am ungratefull since he is a good husband. Should I take the good with the bad? Please help I am soo confused what to do.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 1:14am

So, is he also too out of shape to use his tongue or fingers on you, too? I'm confused?

Listen, even if he was impotent, he would still be capable of providing you with great pleasure....IF HE WANTED TO!

It seems that getting angry is his way of avoiding the issue but you can't allow that to intimidate you out of telling him what you feel and expecting more.

Tell him that BOTH of you should be enjoying sex and BOTH of you should go to sleep happy. Women need foreplay to become aroused and clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Ignoring that will only lead to frustration and unhappiness, as you know all too well.

He could be providing you with oral and/or manual pleasure to orgasm BEFORE intercourse, so that you aren't being left high and dry. And in many instances, just doing THAT will take the pressure off the man enough so that he can last longer during intercourse.

But if he refuses to listen and make some changes, you can always pull out the trusty old vibrator and take care of things yourself. Maybe, just maybe, that would send a message he can understand! Your last resort is couples counseling. If he heard the same thing from a counselor, he might take it seriously. Sad, but true in many cases.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:32am

I agree with everything Kat said.


There are TWO of you in this relationship, not just him.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 8:34am

Agreeing with both Kat and Tish.

Something you should be aware of is the fact that the average length of time for men to last in intercourse is 3-5 minutes. So, in this respect, he's not unusual.

However, this does not mean that he cannot fulfill you *before* you have sex. And it's also up to you to say "not yet.....I've still got a way to go" (wink, wink). Truly, don't let him in till you've had an orgasm.

good luck.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 4:22pm

Perhaps it's "performance anxiety."

There's nothing worse, psychologically, for a guy then the idea that he can't satisfy his woman. Once that idea pops into his head, then it's all over; that's all he's going to think about everytime he starts to have sex. I know, I went through this. It started about 5 years into our marriage, and we (I) struggled with it a lot. However, we overcame this, and we've been married for 16 years and our sex has never been better. I'll explain how we got over this a little later.

In any case, once a guy starts to worry that he can't satisfy his woman, a series of thoughts begin to spiral out of control. He worries that he can't keep it up. He worries that he cums too soon. He worries he won't cum at all. He worries that he can't get his woman to cum or that she's faking it. Once all these ideas begin to fester the second you start making love, then a guy really does have trouble keeping it up. Once that starts, then a guy wants to do nothing but finish, because the absolute worse thing is to have it go limp while you're in. Why? Because then you're afraid you're going to make you're wife think that you're not interested in her sexually and you've lost interest, when, in fact, it's exactly the opposite: you're interested, wildly, fanatically interested, but afraid you can't satisfy her and afraid of going limp. So, worrying about going limp or cumming too soon becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's a vicious spiral. How best to get out of this spiral? Honestly. Viagra. Even though I don't have penile dysfunction (I know I don't), it's just enough to overcome that performance anxiety so I know I won't have a performance issue. Ever since I scored some, it's made our sex life just wonderful because now I can concentrate on her and not worry about whether I might go limp and I never worry about premature ejaculation, or not lasting long enough.

Communication is great and important. My wife and I communicate very well. However, I honestly feel that all the communication in the world can't help overcoming performance anxiety and a little viagra goes a long, long way.

And that's the truth, from my perspective. If you notice, too, there have been reports recently that viagra can help with premature ejaculation issues.

However, Viagra may also cause one to go blind. (Sister Mary always used to warn us that excessive masturbation would cause you to go blind. She wasn't far off. Still, it's not much of an issue unless you're a diabetic.)

I recommend trying it. At least once. It'll help