Online Dating - How Soon Do I "Put Out"
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Online Dating - How Soon Do I "Put Out"
| Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:25pm |
I'm in my 30s. I've been out of the dating scene for a long time. Prior to this I had a couple of long term relationships with men I had known through friends or school and one short relatiohnship with a male friend.
I met a guy online. I will be going on the second date this weekend. I've never dated someone I did not know previously.
What is the accepted time frame? When am I expected to have sex? Third date? Fifth date?

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May I recommend something w/o offending you?
Please don't do this. I know that there are plenty of people out there that swear by it, but you can't know a person by a few chat sessions, e-mails, and phone calls. I guess I'm a little weary after what my brother did to this poor girl.
My brother is 23. He met a girl on-line a couple years ago. He loves to meet girls on-line and just mess with their heads. He gets some high from it. I don't like it. I've told him to stop. I've even made sure a couple of these girls knew what he was doing. One of the girls was a teenager (like 19 at the time) from Montana. He decided that w/o really knowing her, he'd go spend two weeks with her. Seven weeks after he's been there she calls him to say, "Guess what? I'm pregnant and the baby is your's!" He denied it from here to kingdom come. He made every accusation possible. Said she was sleeping with some other guy..That there was no way she could have gotten pregnant because she was on her period at the time..Mainly that was sleeping with another guy. Well, she had the baby almost two years ago..She sent him a picture and the baby had red hair just like my brother does..He claims that the other guy had red hair and that the little boy still wasn't his. He finally went for a paternity test to prove her wrong and it came back 99.9% his! He's still denying it and is now seeing a girl here in NC who is just 18 and still in high school. I'm wondering what he'll do to her, the skag. I'm very angry at my brother for being, in my eyes, a predator to these poor young women.
I'm not trying to say that all people are like this. I do know that some internet romances turn out for the best. I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't do it or be an alarmist. I'm just asking for you to get to know this person fully before you "put out." Take care of yourself first. Protect yourself. Be careful.
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When both you and he are emotionally, mentally and physically prepared. If he *expects* anything sooner, then he isn't respectful of you.
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
I don't think that there IS an accepted time frame. It's whenever you feel comfortable and confident enough with the idea.
Personally, because it's so easy to paint a false picture over the internet, I would consider all the correspondance, emails, chats and what-have-you that have happened over the 'net to be nothing more than an introduction to this guy. The real life dating is time to find out what this guy is like in real life, and to figure out the truth from the internet fantasy. There is NO rush with this guy. Take your time. If he really likes and respects you he is not going to be worried about having to wait a few more weeks or even a month or two until you are ready. Why rush a good thing?
IF it is a bad thing and he's not even remotely the guy that you thought he was, you might regret having slept with him too soon.
You don't need to rush it. Take your time.
Expected? God only knows what HE expects, but that's HIS problem. If and when you think you know him well enough, and feel that there's a mutual attraction, then you can have sex. It might be never!
Have you done any kind of checking on this guy? I'm sure there are plenty of decent people meeting other people on the internet, but there are enough nut cases out there that you should be VERY careful until you know more about him than what he's told you on line. If you don't know it, you need to know where he lives, how to reach him by phone, (land phone, IN his house, not just a cell phone!) and not just what he tells you, but what you have verified for yourself. Make sure there's not a wife, or a girlfriend. Make sure he really works where he says he does.
Where did you get the idea that "dating" means you're expected to have sex? You do what YOU want to do, not what you think someone expects.
Speaking as a guy who did a lot of online dating...in fact, my DW and I met online on matchdotcom 5 years ago. Online dating is now VERY mainstream.
If you are going on a second date with him, that's a good sign. Most of the women I met I didn't go on a second date with because I didn't feel a connection. With my DW, there was a connection right away. We didn't have sex until 6 weeks later.
The most important advice I can give you with online dating is to trust your instincts. Little things mean a lot. If someone you meet seems weird, it's because he is weird. If you don't trust your instincts invite him out with your friends, then ask them what they think.
The biggest risk is that the other person is already in a relationship. I would at least wait until you get to see where he lives. If he won't show you his place, it's probably because he is sharing it with another woman.
Good Luck! There are many many online dating success stories. I think it's a great place for people in their 30's and older to meet.
John
How about a novel approach. I would recommend your honeymoon night. By that time you know he wants a committed relationship with you and that hopefully he will be around for the long haul. I am a guy who is sometimes the old crumudgen around here. I wish I had waited for my DW and our honeymoon night. She did.
CH
Edited 3/4/2005 4:01 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Hi,
I have an opinion here but I'll preface it by saying that I dont know if you found this guy at an online dating site or if this was an accident like mine so I am sorry in advance if I offend you (I'm 30 btw). I met mine online almost two years ago and we've been an item for nine months now. He spent two weeks with me back in July and I went to go visit him over Christmas. And I still havent had sex with him (and no he hasnt pressured me at all). My advice is the right time is when you know (not just think) you're ready and if the guy cant handle that then he's not the right one. Mine keeps doing all kinds of things but what really took the cake was his staying up all night with me before a 16 hour shift because I was worried about my sick mom (and he then proceeded to send her flowers). So rest assured that not all men are in it for sex.
Good luck,
Clarice
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