The only thing that turns me on is rape

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
The only thing that turns me on is rape
13
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 12:01am

Please help... I have no idea what to do... And sorry if this question offends anyone.

I am a 19 year old female and have had 3 sexual partners in the last 2 years, always in caring, consensual, dating relationships. However, it was fairly traditional sex, sure, different positions, but never anything kinky.

The problem is, the only thing that arouses me in the slightest is the thought of being raped... To me, the idea of soft-touching, kissing, looking into each others' eyes, etc is a turn off... it isn't sexual at all to me. I've never had orgasms from sex, don't feel any pleasure from it, and don't get wet during foreplay (we always, always need lube). However, I can get off from masturbating, but only if I think about getting raped, in graphic detail.

My current boyfriend knows about the problem, but he's unwilling to try any kind of role play or anything, he says he "just wouldn't be comfortable with it", and frankly, I can't imagine how it wouldn't be awkward... "Okay, hold still bitch.... am I doing this right?"

But I guess the real problem is that although the idea of being raped is a huge turn on to me, I still want a loving and respectful partner. I feel as if, in order to get enjoyable sex, I'll have to have an abusive boyfriend, but in order to get the loving partner, I'll have to spend the rest of my life staring at the ceiling wishing I felt something.

Does anyone have any ideas of what I should do? I'm completely at my wits' end.
Thanks for your time :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 12:34am
Look into sexual counselling. Rape isn't even about sex, it's about power. Ask any victim of rape, it's not about sexual satisfaction in any way, shape or form. Please get some professional help for yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 12:40am
Yes, I would seek some professional help. Enjoying rough sex is one thing, but if your story is true then you have some issues you need to deal with before you form a healthy sexual relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 8:50am

Although rape fantasy is not unheard of, as a rape survivor I'll never


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 12:52pm
I don’t think anything is wrong with you. People have all kinds of sexual fantasies that turn them on even though they would never want it in real life. I’ve had lesbian fantasies, but I would never want to be with another woman. I'm very open-minded and I believe that people are allowed to have any fantasy they want without being told to see a counselor. The only problem in your situation as I see it is that it is the ONLY way you get turned on. It is unfortunate that you don’t get turned on in the more traditional ways because it greatly narrows the sexual scope for you and your partners. Keep your fantasy if it excites you but try to brain storm other ways to turn yourself on. I think eventually you'll find other ways to get excited. A great resource for you would be the internet. You can come up with all sorts of ideas there since almost everything is on it. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 2:16pm
I don’t think anything is wrong with you. People have all kinds of sexual fantasies that turn them on even though they would never want it in real life. I’ve had lesbian fantasies, but I would never want to be with another woman. I believe that people are allowed to have any fantasy they want without being told to get counseling. The only problem in your situation as I see it is that it is they ONLY way you get turned on. It is unfortunate that you don’t get turned on in the more traditional ways because it greatly narrows the sexual scope for you and your partners. You should try to brain storm other ideas for arousal. The internet could be a great resource for ideas since almost everything is on there. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 4:23pm

That's what I see a problem with,


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 7:56pm

I think that you are still young and you should be exploring more of your sexuality. *Maybe* your fantasy is more bondage than rape but because you are seeking some sort of dominance you interpret it as rape. I can somewhat understand how you are feeling however I do enjoy the more sensual touch as well. It is possible that it's not about not getting turned on my a more gentle touch, I think you are just bored.

This is almost a catch 22... I was going to suggest that you take charge and show hubby how you want to be treated/handled during your love making but that takes away from the submission of the rape roleplay!

I'll suggest that you and b/f have a discussion about what you both expect and what you are both willing to do. What dh and I did was go through this website http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html and discussed what I would enjoy and what he was willing to try. It's one thing to say RAPE ME! SHOW DOMINATION! and another to say START WITH SPANKING ME, HOLDING ME DOWN, TYING ME UP... DH has surprised me and little by little has come out of his own comfort zone to try something new and found out that it turned him on more to know that I enjoyed what he was doing.

Good luck and I hope this helped

Katie

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 2:02am

:) Thankyou for your reply, it makes me feel a lot better than the "you need professional, expensive help" ones... And thanks for the website address!! That's exactly what my boyfriend needs to read... it's like the guy who wrote it looked into his mind!

I guess I am into bondage to some degree (tying up turns me on a lot), but the idea of "submitting" isn't a turn on to me... I'd rather be forcibly subdued than just submit. Also, a lot of the other BDSM stuff (e.g. spanking, nipple clamps, etc) don't really appeal to me, and I don't want to give my boyfriend the idea that I like ALL of it when I don't...

I'll try and talk to my boyfriend about it more... perhaps the website will help, but he is a VERY "nice guy", and has 26 years of conditioning by conservative parents to undo.

Thanks again! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 7:31am

On that website, there are many links that you should read through. BDSM doesn't always mean the big leather and chains :)

Some stuff you'll enjoy, and some you won't. It's like that with everyone! I don't think anyone likes *all of it*! While I do enjoy the occasional spank, I NEVER want to be whipped and the spanking has to be at a certain point in the love making scenario, not at the beginning. These are the little things that you and b/f will eventually discuss to mature into a healthier sexual relationship.

I liberatly used the word submission when in fact I know what you mean that it's more about feeling forced and obligated... I find it's a tricky word! you want the struggle and rough play and not just pretending you've been defeated :)

I suggest you start small. You can go over the website with him and find ONE THING that turns you on and he agrees to. That way he's not *forced* to go through a whole scenario that he's not comfortable with. Ask him to tie you up and go from there!

Katie

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 7:49am

I wanted to add that when you do discuss your needs with him, please ensure that you don't ignore his as well. Ask him if there is anything that would turn him on. anything he would like to try (not meaning bdsm, just anything!) A different position, toys, silk, ice, ... the list goes on forever! What are his fantasies? If he says he doesnt have any... he's just too shy to tell you LOL so you might have to probe. Or he might even be unsure. He might even think it's too simple to ask (like my man who is just silly when it comes to this... *well I didn't want to tell you because you already do a good job... *um hello, i want to please you beyond the stars hun, You need to tell me what you want, enjoy and want to experiment with LOL)

I just googled BDSM nice guy and there are a few forums out there! You may want to check some out!

Let us know how it turns out!

Katie

 

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