Oral question

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Oral question
19
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 9:03am

My question kind of fits under the one from the lady that seems to not like giving oral. My wife seems very much like her-I might get 3-4 a year. Now, I am not going to pressure her to do something that she doesn't want to do but obviously I would love more. Here is a question I had at the end of my last post that some might not have viewed. I would be curious to get your opinions.

Oh one more question for you ladies-what do you consider a blow job. Do you consider it when you go down on him until he cums? For my wife, a blow job has always consisted of oral action for about 1-2 minutes just prior to intercourse. Is that still considered a blow job or is there another name for that? I can really only think of one sexual activity that would make my sex life complete with my wife and that is for her to give me a bj from start to finish. I have asked her about and she says no way she will do that. I do respect her wishes but can't help but still want that experience. I guess one time when she is giving me head, I can let her get me nearly there and then tell her I am about to blow and she can then pull back and jerk me off-that would be as close to it as possible and here recently, she has started asking me if I want her to jerk me off or do I want to have sex, something she has never done in our marriage. Don't get me wrong, I prefer intercourse as does she but, before recently, she was very reluctant to even touch me down there, and now, she touches me often and has even started jerking me off. If she senses I am about to cum, she will ask me how I want to cum and mostly I say via intercourse but a few times I have let her just jack me off. So, maybe the next time she is giving me oral, I can let her get me REALLY close and then she can manually go from there. Obviously this would cause a mess but if she is giving me oral as she normally does-with me lying on my back and her on top of me, well kneeling in front of me on the bed, the mess would likely get on the sheets or on me. She has made comments before about how she doesn't like the mess so this again might be a good way to make my one last sexual fantasy come true-as close to true as I will get with the wife that is (the ultimate of course would be to cum in her mouth). Considering my wife seems much comfortable getting me orgasm manually nowadays, I really think this might be a really exciting experience for myself and maybe even for her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: pappyred
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 9:33am

"I have never understood her orgasms to be honest. By her reactions, they feel just as incredible as mine do but somehow she can go a long period of time without experiencing that. To me, something that feels that good, I can't go more than 3-4 days without feeling it again."

Hormones and libido are odd things. Although her orgasms may feel equally as incredible as yours, she still has to be in the mood to want to enjoy one. She can have sex more often and sort of train herself to be in the mood more often, but that's something that she would have to work on. Life can get in the way too. I know that I love hot fudge sundaes, but I wouldn't want to have to gulp one down while I had other things pulling at my attention, KWIM?

How do you think she would react if she knew you were masturbating several times a week? I don't think it should be a problem -- since she isn't interested in having sex that often, but I also know that some women would be offended. Maybe it would increase her interest in having sex with you if she knew about your habits.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
In reply to: pappyred
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 10:01am
She would be strongly against it. She does not believe in self masturbation-thinks it is nasty. But, I have had mixed emotions about telling her because I am not sure how she would react. I think it would make her angry and make her less likely to want to have sex but perhaps you are right, it might make her want it more. Thing is though, at times when she has turned me down, I have made mention that she could help me out and she is not interested. When her monthly visitor arrives, sometimes near the end I will make her know I want some and she will say it is not time yet. I will say, well you could give me a helping hand and she will say no flat out. So, in a sense I have put that issue to her and she has rejected it. Sometimes I have wondered, what if she caught me in the act-what would she do but I have not got the courage to almost stage that to happen. I would MUCH prefer her to jack me off than take care of myself. The fact that she has just recently started to offer me manual stimulation at times, it might be time to see if I can get her to take care of me even when she is not in the mood. I guess though, if you do that, it is almost like added a chore to her list. Almost like I am a kid and I need her to help me out if you know what I mean. So, I have always just taken care of myself as to not burden her I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: pappyred
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 2:29pm
I know a lot of people don't understand masturbation, but I think there are ways they can come to understand it. Have you ever thought about going to couples counseling? It sounds like she is very controlling of your sex life. While she may think masturbation is nasty, if she's not willing to have sex with you, it's not really fair of her to think you should wait until she is ready. That's control -- not love, KWIM? If she feels that she should be your only source of sexual satisfaction, then she should be more motivated to ensure that you are sexually satisfied. It's not unusual for two people to have differing libidos, a therapist, especially a sex therapist, can help to put all of this into light for both of you. It could improve your sex life as well.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: pappyred
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 2:42pm

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but more than likely she *is* masturbating. She probably feels badly about it and guilty, which is why she finds it "nasty." She will deny it until the day she dies, but more than likely she's doing it. Sounds as though she has hangups, period about certain acts.

Misty gave some good advice. Try and get her into counseling. You can also take the reins and try discussing sex and how you feel OUTSIDE of the bedroom or not only when you want something from her. Try and get into her head as that's where her problems stem from.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
In reply to: pappyred
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 3:41pm
There is no way in HEELLLL she would ever go to talk about our sex life with a therapist. She is very reluctant to talk about with me. She is a very private person when it comes to this subject, she is has her views and sticks to it. I do not think she has ever masturbated but could be wrong. She is very nieve(sp) when it comes to sex and over the years has really come a long way. I will admit though, she does have control over our sex life because, as the lower libido person, she has the ability to say no. If she wants it, I say yes because I want sex more. That is why, knowing that she does not like the idea of me masturbating, I do it on my own when I feel the need. She would not understand and considering she talks very little about the subject, would probably end up shutting me out. Who knows but I have taken care of myself for years, before marriage and after and although I would rather be having sex with her, knowing she is far less in need of sex than me, I just continue to take care of myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: pappyred
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 7:29pm

You don't need to explain yourself, or why you masturbate. People in very healthy sexual relationships masturbate.

But in any event, why don't YOU open up the can of worms. Talk about you and what you do. Do it in piecework. My husband was very reserved when it came to sex, it took time, but it worked. She may even get turned on. But the fact of the matter is, it's normal behavior for people to masturbate, and so maybe that's where you should start.

Once this "white elephant in the living room" was out, our sex life was so much better and open. Mutual masturbation became a normal event, and even has replaced a lot of solo play.

You may surprise her, shock her, or whatever, but just be matter-of-fact. Tell her that the two of you have sex for cripes sakes. Tell her that you want to create more intimacy and want to get closer to her. Do it outside of the bedroom, not while you are having sex--it's worth a try. Just talk about yourself...it may get her to feel more at ease about revealing her innermost thoughts.

Good luck.

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
In reply to: pappyred
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 8:06pm
A very wise woman once told me that if one person in a relationship is being *kept* happy, then the other person's needs aren't being met. A relationship needs to be about both participants' needs being met, if the relationship is to be nurtured and grow.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: pappyred
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 10:02am

People have so many bad thoughts associated with masturbation, and it is mostly because of how they were raised. As someone else said, chances are she does masturbate. She might try to pretend she doesn't -- even to herself. Perhaps if she knew about your habits, it would help her relax and realize there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. It is normal and healthy.

I know that it took a long time for me to feel comfortable enough talking with DH about masturbation. I always felt like I needed to hide that side of me, but he let me know that he thought MB was totally healthy -- and something that everyone does. Now we can talk about it together, openly, and it has added a whole new element to our sex life!

Perhaps if you start discussions slowly with her, you will reach a place where you can be more open. Maybe even suggest that she try masturbation as a way to increase her own libido. That way, you are encouraging her and letting her know that you wouldn't have a problem with it. If you don't have any vibrators, give her one as a gift. You can use it together, or she can use it alone. Guaranteed, if you use it together, and she learns to enjoy it -- she WILL use it alone!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
In reply to: pappyred
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 10:42am

Let me put it this way, I would be beyond shocked if my wife masturbates. Not saying it is not impossible but knowing her like I do, I just don't think she has the time or energy to do it. IF I found out she masturbated, part of me would be totally pissed off. On the other hand, another part of me would be thrilled. The part of me pissed off would be mad because considering we do not have the amount of sex I would prefer, if she is doing that over being with me, that is highly offensive to me. Now, the part of me that would be thrilled would be thinking, this lady does have the potential to have a higher drive and has the potential to touch herself-something I would love to watch. But, when she does touch herself-very rare but sometimes while I am doing oral, she will use one hand to help pull her lips apart, she always then has to get up and wash her hands. When I go down on her, when finished, she will not kiss me until I have gone and washed my face and used mouthwash. I know it might be difficult for women that do masturbate to understand but my wife is very inhibited sexually and easily embarrassed talking about it. It is just the way she was raised and how she is. It is a very private part of her and one she is very reluctant to discuss-even with me after nearly 20 years together. Believe me, I have tried and tried again to discuss it but it is a one way conversation with me saying my two cents and her mostly sitting very quiet, sometimes apologizing for not being the woman I want her to be. In my mind, right or wrong, the higher drive person is basically either suck it up and only orgasm when the lower drive person does want sex, or take care of him/herself when the need arises. Now, if the lower drive person is offended, they should step back and realize they can't control another adult in this fashion. But, I just believe that rather than burden my wife, I just take care of myself without her knowing. I get my release when needed and she doesn't have to know and get angry. Maybe she should know but considering her attitudes toward masturbation-that she has expressed to me, I figure it is better she not know. She is so nieve, I really don't think she gives me doing that any thought. I am telling you folks, sexually speaking my wife knows a lot less than probably your average high school kid these days.

I once told her I had been masturbating during our marriage. She was very upset and hurt with me for weeks. She said it made her sick to think of me doing that. All this being said, within the last year, we have had several sessions of couple masturbation-where I manually get her off and she manually gets me off. I think with age she is beginning to realize that masturbating your partner is not a taboo thing to do. I am hopeful her attitudes will continue to change but it takes time and experience. We were both virgins when we met and so neither of us have prior experiences to draw off of.

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