oral sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
oral sex
11
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 11:16am
My girlfriend is not that savy when it comes to oral sex, in the begining she refused to do it at all. She does it I believe out a sense of duty but she has no problem recieving it and enjoying the hell out of it. She has gotten better but has always refused to swallow or even try to. In fact she wipes my come off her hand on my leg the second I am finished, which I find insulting since I always finish with her with my mouth. I have tried all I know, I bought her a How-to video but I guess that was a mistake. Am I wrong to push the issue to at least get her to try? I feel put-off since I give her much better than I recieve, which I am made to feel selfish and a bully about.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
In reply to: kingoflexington
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 11:54am

If she doesn't want to swallow you probably won't make her change her mind. There are a LOT of women out there that won't even attempt oral sex so, in a way, I think you had better be happy with what you get. Eventually she may change her mind but if she is so squeemish just to have it on her hand I doubt she will.

You say "She does it I believe out a sense of duty". That's a lot more than a lot of men get. Do you feel you are giving her oral sex out of a sense of duty or do you actually enjoy givng her pleasure? If you enjoy it too then it shouldn't even be an issue. Give her time and don't bug her about it, maybe someday she will be willing to try.

And also try not feel insulted because this issue is about what she is comfortable with. Not about you at all.

Good luck.




Edited 8/2/2007 12:03 pm ET by tami-kins
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
In reply to: kingoflexington
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:21pm

>>> which I am made to feel selfish and a bully about. <<<

How do you say it?
Are you jumping right into "I wish you would swallow it"

I think she could atleast not wipe it on your leg. Keep a towel nearby.
Because that's just rude, to someone you're supposed to love.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: kingoflexington
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 3:02pm

You say you think she's doing this out of a sense of duty, do you have to "make" her perform. Or does she take initiatives? If she takes the initiative I don't think she's doing this due to a sense of duty. And you say she's gotten better, it sounds like she's trying to please you, so in that aspect It doesn't sound like she's doing this out of a sense of duty.

Did you discuss with her your feelings before you bought a book? If you just handed her a book and said "read" you're doing this wrong, I bet you she was insulted, especially if you have a loving relationship. She could have also taken extreme offense to her "womanhood" by just handing her over a book. I bet you would not like it if you were handed a book and told that you weren't doing oral sex to her standards and you better buck up. Doesn't make your manhood proud to be handed a book does it? And, in my opinion, by pushing the issue it is making you look like a bully. Maybe even a controlling bully.

And don't forget some women don't swallow - some women for that matter don't even do oral. Also talking about this matter to women is not the easiest thing to do. Most men are very insensitive in this issue. You just can't "bully" us into something and expect us to like it, that's the old time method, and it doesn't work well with the "new" women. We know what we want to do, how we like it, and how to enjoy things. It also sounds like you do get some pleasure from her, maybe you need to thank her for what she is trying, most women I know in the Northeast won't even go there.

Just remember, if you love her, and you are planning to spend the rest of your life with this g/f you need to stop pushing and take on a different roll. Us women don't like to be pushed into something, and if we're really timid about something, the more you push, the less likely you are to get what you want.

Also don't forget if this is just your g/f maybe she is a little scared about catching something. Have you suggested trying oral with a condom? It might be a difference to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
In reply to: kingoflexington
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 6:04am

Son, I'm not sure how old you are but take it from an old man, better be happy with what she does. Been married and divorced twice now, and neither wife would give me oral. I've had g/f's that did, but they wouldn't swallow.

I'm not sure about the sense of duty thing, if she didn't want to do it she wouldn't so I would say shove that theory out the door. And if you enjoy giving her oral sex, then don't bitch and complain, some women won't let you do that either. Trust me been there, done that. Moral, religious, ethical, not sure, just the way they are raised I reckon.

Sounds to me in your young age that you have either no experience with the opposite sex, or too darn much with the wrong ones that are out there. If you love the girl and she makes you happy and you plan to spend the rest of your life with her, take what you can get and be happy about it. Otherwise you'll spend your life lookin' for someone for the wrong reasons.

Of course I've only lived on this earth for 40 + years, maybe I'm wrong, but if you're happy with her, except for the oral sex part, I would learn to get over it. Everyone is not going to be 100% to your liking, and it sounds like you're a pretty cocky young man, since you think you know you give good oral. Personally the cockiness needs to go out the door by the time you're 20.

Dallas69

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
In reply to: kingoflexington
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 8:55am

Woah, thats a touchy subject my friend with most women, and to be honest if I handed my wife a book the way you did, she probably would have beat me over the head with it...not much use to me that way...lol...

On the serious side of things, let me just say this. Most women if they are honest, might talk a big talk, but when it comes down to it, they don't "want" to swallow anything. Now, my wife is willing to pleasure me but I dont expect her to swallow something she finds nasty..She actually described it once as to swallowing a wad of ammonia soaked cottonballs. Gross!

I would never force my mate into doing anything she found repugnant. To be honest that is what a relationship is about, it is give and take. You seem to enjoy giving her that pleasure, but be considerate of what she doesn't like and tell her what you do like instead. I bet she would be willing to do other interesting things to you....just ask. Make sure you talk about this stuff, and I wouldn't spring any more books on her...

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: kingoflexington
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:00am

Welcome to the board kingoflexington.

I think you stand a better chance of having your sexual experience improve if you nurture your relationship instead of feeling you are being slighted. (Sorry, but that's what it sounds like to me.) You think you are giving better than you are receiving or that she feels she is performing out of duty.

Just because she enjoys receiving doesn't mean she will enjoy giving. While that may not be fair, what do you get out of it? I would try to maximize my experience instead of feeling like I'm being ripped off. If you enjoy giving to her -- than give. If you don't enjoy her giving to you, then let her know that you would rather do something else. Don't try to make her feel bad for the way she is trying to please you.

It's just my experience that people are more willing to give when they are with a caring partner instead of one that is trying to keep score. Sounds to me like she doesn't enjoy performing, but she's willing to keep trying. You can gently lead her to a more satisfying experience, but you can't act as if you are being slighted and get to the same happy end, KWIM?

As another member posted, try having a towel nearby for her to use. You can even lay it on your thigh for convenience.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: kingoflexington
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:05am
Welcome to the board newyorkgirl. Thanks for joining in. The condom is a great idea -- they even have flavored ones.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: kingoflexington
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:08am
Welcome to the board Dallas69. Thanks for joining in.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: kingoflexington
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:11am
Welcome to the board whatstheskinny. Great advice -- thanks for joining in!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
In reply to: kingoflexington
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 9:05am

If you really want to know if she is doing it "out of duty" or not, then why not let her off of the hook? Just tell her that she is not "obligated" to do it. That you love having oral sex performed on you, but that you realize that she's not too fond of it. Tell her in these words: "YOU are more important to me than oral sex. I want you to be enjoying what you are doing, not doing it because you feel obligated to me because I enjoy giving it to you. Sex is about pleasure, and that includes giving as well as receiving. However, if it's something that you find displeasurable, I'd rather you not oblige. I love you enough to want what's happy for you and do not want you to "compromise" yourself for me. When you are ready, you know that I'm game for receiving oral sex. Until that time, we can do other things that you do not have any problems with. I love you, and want you to desire to perform oral sex on me, not do it out of obligation."

In so many words, you, are giving her the "freedom to choose." To do it when she actually desires to, not when she feels she has to. It may work in your favor. By forcing her to feel obligated, she may never have learned to actually enjoy the act, and may even develop resentments towards you (maybe even subconsciouly) for putting your need to have oral sex performed on you (being selfish), before her need to take care of her own needs to respect her own limits. I'm all for "pushing" our own limits, but the *key* word is "own." Only "we" know when to push those limits.

If she's not a selfish person "generally" then how could you make her feel "selfish" with respect to this one thing? It is YOU that is being selfish by forcing her to "compete" or feel "obligated" to "even the score." That could also backfire as she may feel that you are only giving oral to her, with the expectation of receiving.

There are so many marriages and relationships that fail, and people haven't a clue as to why. On the surface, it appears that everyone is doing what they are "expected" to do, but there are a slew of underlying resentments festering which eventually causes the demise. They fight about stupid things, because these resentments rear their ugly heads eventually. Most of these people aren't even self-aware enough, to realize where their own resentments are derrived from. They're hurt and angry, but they don't have a clue as to why. If we would only introspect more, and looked at how our own selfishness effects and sometimes forces our SO's to do things that they truly are not happy with, then we'd probably all be a lot more successful at relationships. In essence it's the ol` "If you loved me, you'd do a, b & c" -- which is basically emotional blackmail.

You want to know for sure if she's doing it out of duty, then stop making her feel as though it's her "duty" to serve you. You are not "entitled" to oral sex from a woman who does not enjoy giving oral sex.

Yes, when you love someone, you desire to take care of their needs, but I feel that the exception should apply to when, and if, it compromises our own duty to take care of ourselves.

"Ask not what your country could do for you, but what you could do for your country." ~~John Kennedy

Just my thoughts on this. . .




Edited 8/4/2007 11:53 am ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )

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