Orgasm problems xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Orgasm problems xxx
10
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:45am
Okay. Here's the down lo. I have been with him for a year and we have been having sex for 8 months. I have never had an orgasm while doing it. I have even tried masturbating while having sex, I tried for 40 minutes and nothing happened. My doctor says there's nothing wrong with me. I have tried all the positions you could think of. Yes everything. He's even gone down on me. I just can't have an orgasm. I don't know what to do. The only time I can have an O is when I masturbate and it can take 20 mins to and hour on my own(or doesn't even happen) and just never happens if I try to while we are having sex. I am so tired and he has gotten pretty down about it because he thinks he's the one that's causing this. He is amazing and even more than average size. I just don't know what to do. Am I going to be one of the 2% of women in the world who can never have an orgasm? Please help I am so sad and want sex between my partner and I to be everything it can be. He's even sticking around with me even though I've tried everything and it doesn't happen! HELP
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 12:05pm

I can tell you one thing for sure. As long as you're making an orgasm your main goal, it's never going to happen. First, you don't have sex to have orgasms. You have sex to share feelings and intimacy with someone you care about. Secondly, HE has nothing to do with your orgasms. His size has nothing to do with your orgasms. YOU are the one who has a problem, and it's not physical, as your doctor told you. It's emotional, because you're not allowing it to happen.

You need to forget about orgasms, and learn to enjoy the pleasure you should be having. It's there, but you're not enjoying it because you're not focused on it. Orgasms don't make sex good, good sex makes orgasms happen. And you're not having good sex because you're not even paying attention to what's happening. Your mind is focused on one thing, and it's the wrong thing.

Your clitoris is your main sexual organ, NOT your vagina. You seem to know that, since you're trying to stimulate it during intercourse, but again, all you're doing is concentrating on what's NOT happening, instead of what IS happening.

BOTH of you need to forget about orgasms, and start learning to just relax, and enjoy what's happening. The feelings you get from oral and manual stimulation of the clitoris should be wonderful. If you can learn to enjoy that, and think of nothing else, eventually, the orgasms will happen. I'm sure you're doing the same thing when you masturbate, that's why it takes so long.

Even the few women who've never had an orgasm can and do enjoy sex. Orgasms aren't necessary for that, they're a bonus....think of it as the frosting on the cake. The cake is good without frosting, VERY good.

Stop thinking of yourself as a misfit, and realize that it's there, but you have to learn how to allow it to happen. Your last line says a lot about your feelings......"he's sticking around even though it's not happening"? Do you honestly think that a man WON'T
"stick around" because you don't have orgasms? A man who cares about you will stick around thru ANYTHING, and certainly the lack of orgasms is a minor thing compared to problems you COULD have.

Check out www.the-clitoris.com and maybe both of you will get some insight into what's going on, and how to fix it. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 4:57pm
We do have awesome sex though! Yeah. But then when he's done I just sit there... lol. thanks for the info. You're right. I should relax. that could be my problem ^.^
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 8:20pm

Distraught,

You DO need to keep him mindful that is not the sole issue of this. Remind him that you are having trouble getting to orgasm yourself many times, and that men cannot do it any better if women themselves are unable to. Bring his butt on over to the boards here and he'll have allll kinds of testimony to that, LOL!

Now, the GOOD news is that you actually CAN orgasm. Lets remember that a percentage of women out there CANNOT at all. The website greenteabag shared is one we suggest quite often because it actually IS so helpful, even with this situation.

Because you CAN reach orgasm at times, eventually anyway, I'd guess its that combo of focusing too much on it AND possibly the technique. Mrs. Para & I have enjoyed sex intercourse and even without that big orgasm at times too due to varies reasons at those times...we still enjoy each other regardless. I think it would significantly help if you just enjoyed each other and have fun with the foreplay and sensual massages without wondering all the time.

Here's a few links that may prove helpful for some in your situation:

Help! I've never had an orgasm
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexorgasm/0,,drpatti_216,00.html

Position Secrets for a Faster Orgasm Every Time
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sextechnique/0,,s23v,00.html

I can't have an orgasm at all! Is there something wrong with me?
http://magazines.ivillage.com/redbook/experts/sex/qas/0,,284457_288332,00.html

5 Pleasure-Maxing Positions
http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/sex/no/articles/0,,166928_547497,00.html

Good luck to you. We've been there ourselves many times for long stretches, but we have fun with each other regardless.

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 12:14am

"But then when he's done I just sit there.." What does that mean? Are you saying you enjoyed NOTHING? That you got NO pleasure from what just happened? Yes, you DID. So, you didn't have an orgasm. You didn't get the frosting on the cake, but you DID get the cake! That attitude is what's holding you back! You HAD pleasure, you just didn't have an orgasm. Why would you just SIT there? Why not bask in the pleasure, and learn to enjoy that pleasure, orgasm or not? You're thinking you missed out on something instead of thinking about what DID happen. It's not so much just relaxing, but it's stop feeling deprived, and start enjoying the pleasure and the intimacy of a good relationship.

If you're in a drawing where the top prize is a million dollars, but your name is pulled for the half million....are you going throw away the half million, just because you didn't get the top prize? I doubt that. This is no different.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 1:04am

I completely agree with GTB's comments. Forget about having orgasms....for now. Once you allow yourself to just enjoy the intimacy of the moment, then you should eventually relax and allow yourself to become aroused.

I know one thing for certain, if your mind isn't engaged, then your body certainly won't be. Spend time reading erotica and fantasizing during masturbation. It's amazing what just thinking about sex can do.

You might also consider using vibrator, if you haven't. Sometimes, manual stimulation isn't the right type of stimulation for some women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 5:00pm
actually... I lied. I don't just sit there. I masturbate. I just felt too weird to say that. This is the first time I've been open about this except with my doctor.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-16-2005 - 6:07pm
Makes sense. Why not take your partner's hand and show him how you're touching yourself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 5:58am
I have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 6:19am
By the way. Is his body supposed to rub against my clitoris while we are doing it?
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:09am
It's possible to achieve that contact in some positions, like woman on top, or missionary where he's riding high, but in others it's not. In those cases, he or you can stimulate your clitoris manually.