Other sexual partners.......reasons why?
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Other sexual partners.......reasons why?
| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 10:20am |
For those in a long term relationship
| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 10:20am |
For those in a long term relationship
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Well, eloquent or not, I think we all already know why swinging, etc. takes place, don't we? It doesn't really require the eloquence of any man to give us that answer! LOL!
And I still disagree, God created sex AND marriage.
Edited 3/4/2006 3:20 pm ET by katmandoo2001
Yes, and that's why it's called HUMAN nature.
Not to offend anyone on the board by bringing religious references into the issue but since it has been by already by Voltaire himself, it seems, I will offer a less eloquent view.
Jesus often spoke of people being caught up in their lusts.
King David, for example, suffered greatly throughout his life for his weakness, which was women. He had over 700 wives and concubines and STILL wanted the wife of one of his soldiers. So, he arranged to have him sent to the front lines to be killed so he could have her. Clearly, this was a man with little self control when it came to sex.
Jesus also saved (and forgave) the adulteress from a crowd ready to stone her but he told her to "go and sin no more." But we all know those cautionary tales.
Edited 3/4/2006 3:29 pm ET by katmandoo2001
You stated, “I still don't understand how you can NOT discuss mutual expectations, desires, and sexual needs, as well as every other aspect of marriage, before marrying.” Let me try to explain or justify my situation.
We did discuss among other things our mutual expectations, desires, dreams of the future and desires for family and other aspect of marriage, but never any sexual fantasies. Maybe it was as you stated, fantasies were not talked about at the “risk of rocking the boat by tackling those serious topics”. And also we may have been “just too lovestruck, too infatuated, too everything, in a budding relationship to risk rocking the boat by tackling those serious topics”. I don’t think sensual fantasies ever crossed either one of our minds at the time. I guess the things we did talked about, we seamed to be very compatible. I do remember discussing shortly after marriage dressing up for some romantic play. I was met with unsmiling apprehension. To this day I don’t understand her resistance to this costuming. I did however, convinced her to wear in public thigh length skirts to accentuate her long legs, stylish shoes of the time and somewhat sexy blouses. She kind of enjoyed wearing them. It was a great moral boost for both of us. She even went out with some encouragement from me and bought a blond wig. Wore it and during a visit to her parents and was met with apparent negative criticism from her father. Upon return to our home the wig was retired to the Halloween storage box. Shortly after that “Meathead” convinced “Gloria” (All In The Family,-TV Show) to wear a blond wig. Gloria resolved the reason for Meathead wanting her to wear the wig was, he, could have sex with a different female without cheating on his wife. That wasn’t my intent I wanted to introduce her to confidence and image building ideas of a couple who are linked in a romantic or sexual relationship. My intent was a casualty of the times. I think these two situations was the beginning of her down dressing in public.
The idea of suggesting a third party was a mistake. At the time I became frustrated with her inexperience, resistance and performance in romantic play and wanted to give her some example of what others considered typically acceptable. That idea was met with more resistance than your reaction. I do think it reassure her of inadequacy. I did have good intention with this suggestion but it was perceived incorrectly and taken wrong.
Still today I don’t understand why this had such an impact with her and to most females. We go to school, learn to read, enroll in college classes, sometimes hire a tutor or understudy as an apprenticeships to gain education about life experiences from others who have specific knowledge. So why is it different to receive a third person in the bedroom if there is something lacking? I know I’ll be crucified for that but it’s one guy’s reflection which most males will support.
You also suggested marital counseling might be an answer. Think this is a good idea if there were more problems in the marriage than sex. I hate to risk jeopardizing a reasonably good marriage relationship just for sexual dysfunction when everything else is I think going just fine and it has been since we first started serious dating. To get counseling at this time might be perceived as self interest and degrade what we currently have. We have talked about the sexual aspect and nothing really happens and the mutual understanding aspect is that there is no interest in sexual play. I have a little trouble with that but am learning to live with it. Getting on this board is to moderate any anguish so its good therapy to submit and respond to messages.
I hope this shed some light on the subject. So thanks for the interest in your reply.
HA HA! Who wrote the bible? Men did. Does that mean the preaching in the Bible is wrong? He! He!
Just an extension of the reasoning that was set forth in your prior statement. This an exercise in my dry form of humor and that's all. Not met to insult you or insulting to religion. OK.
I have to disagree with a couple of your comments.
I didn't say that I thought sexual fantasies should be discussed before marriage, since they are personal fantasies and are often kept private, even after marriage. I said that one's individual needs, desires and hopes for the sexual part of the relationship should be discussed and compared for compatibility.
One should never expect or assume that a spouse should be willing to fulfill those fantasies either. But if they ARE willing to experiment, then it should be by choice, not by coercion or pressure, subtle or otherwise. I don't think a husband or wife should assume anything when it comes to sex though, you should know what is important to one another. You can't really make an informed decision about marriage without knowing those things.
And your wife's reactions to your suggestions should have given you pause. Her unwillingness to discuss or even consider your ideas should have been a big red flag to you.
I also completely disagree that "most males would support" the idea of a third party in the bedroom. My DH would be the first to nix that idea. We are in total agreement that introducing a third party would be disasterous for our marriage. Particularly, if that third party was a MAN! How would you react to your wife asking for another man to teach her how to make love and enjoy sex?
Asking for a third party may have seemed reasonable to YOU, but to your wife, it likely felt like criticism and judgement of her ability to make you happy.
Sex is a major part of marriage and when it's good, it makes a good marriage even better but when it's bad, or nonexistant, it can affect the rest of your relationship over time. Frustration leads to resentment and anger which can lead to justification and the rationalization of bad behavior. Most sexual problems start outside the bedroom anyway.
So, no, counseling isn't just for nonsexual issues in a marriage. It's invaluable for helping couples communicate effectively and learning to listen is part of communication. And your sexual issues will affect other areas of your relationship over time, if you don't deal with them in a constructive way. They always do to some degree.
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