Other sexual partners.......reasons why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Other sexual partners.......reasons why?
72
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 10:20am

For those in a long term relationship


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Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 10:33am

Yes, he was, but what does that have to do with your point?

David was just a man while Christians believe that Jesus was not.

And it's totally fine that we disagree. Happens all the time.




Edited 3/6/2006 10:36 am ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 2:32pm

You mentioned, <<”.... one's individual needs, desires and hopes for the sexual part of the relationship should be discussed and compared for compatibility.”>> Thanks for your comments but was surprised with the nature of them.

So maybe the presentation of my sexual insecurity as posted was incorrectly. Or I didn’t have the proper method in introducing the sexual part of the relationship for comparing interests in defining our compatibility. I just did the best I could when an opportunity presented itself; in lee of plotting a text book talk session about the sexual part of the relationship. Had she been receptive to any sexual idea and willing to experiment, things would be fine. How does one know acceptance until one tries? So not really sure of your point. So my presentation to her must not have been up to your standards. Sorry.

I can not disagree with the merits of your comments but I get the sour feeling that they have judgmental and condescending tones. Maybe I deserve it but what you say sounds more like, after the fact preaching and not constructive in nature.

As for counseling; I hate to risk jeopardizing a reasonably good marriage relationship just for just one problem when everything else is going just fine. Why make a mountain out of a mole hill? Why fan the smoke to escalate a fire when the embers may go out by themselves and not be a threat? I do not want to escalate the embers into a forest fire. If the fire gets out of hand then that’s the time to intervene and get counseling.

I post on ivillage because the process of thinking and writing about how serious, typical or unproblematic the marriage relationship, is great therapy. Once things are in print the problem or condition seems to be less a than originally contemplated; it’s a great relief valve. So, I don’t need a lecture about what I should have done or what the possible consequences are.

Just the same, thanks for the well meaning thoughts and comments.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 4:24pm

Well, I do apologize if my comments came across as lecture or judgemental but they come from the experience of being married a long time and dealing with many of the same problems presented on this board.

Truthfully, I would think one would recognize an open or closeminded-minded reaction to a suggestion pretty readily, whether it's from your future wife or just a good friend.

And if you don't, then perhaps that only underscores the need for more disclosure and communication. But her present feelings and reactions don't necessarily mean that she will always feel the same way either.

I just don't think one needs to TRY anything to determine how one's partner might feel about it, when simply talking openly will provide the answers you're looking for.

I prefer to deal with seemingly minor problems before they turn into big ones, BECAUSE we've learned from personal experience, it's not always so easy to overcome the resentment, anger and other problems that can result if you don't.

But these are just my thoughts and opinions culled from counseling, other couples and personal experience so if they are of no benefit to you, then please, feel free to ignore them.




Edited 3/6/2006 4:29 pm ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 5:46pm
wind, I didnt think Kats comments came across as judgement.I agree with her that most men in good mariages do not want a third party in their bedroom...
Wind you say that not having a good sexual relationship is really not that big of deal.. "why fan the flames".. I think you really think it IS a big deal because you are here posting, and you even have considered a third party for sex.. Sounds like a big deal to me... You have two choices, fish or cut bait...In other words fix the problem with your wife , or dont.. If you dont fix the problem, it will eat at you till you have an affair and end up cheating, or you will leave the marriage.... Trust me I know, Ive been there. I too, got tired of all the excuses. And that is exactly what they are...She is so insecure that she puts her fears above your well being. It is not really your problem, she sounds like she is the one with the hang-ups.. If she wont even try, what does that tell you about her true feelings for you. Most people , going into a marriage just assume sex will be part of that "contract".. Anything else is just not realistic.(unless there has been abuse, or ill health.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 6:48pm
OK, after many posts about how answers are worded and religion I will get back to the original question. GF and I havent had a 3 some yet but when she brought up her fantasy of MMF I agreed to try for several reasons. She likes DP with me and a toy and would like to feel it with 2 real penis at teh same time. SInce I only have one that means someone else needs to be there. Second, and she agreed, there might be FMF in the future so that would be fun for me. Third since she has been using toys on me for a long time now I might want to try a real penis too. We have started talking about rules and limits and havent decided 100% to go through with it the fact we still talk about it regularly indicates it will happen at some point. Sex is supposed to be fun and by including others at times we will get more out of the experience then we can together. Doesnt mean we dont love each other or want to end the relationship but just want to explore more ways to mutually share sexual pleasure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 10:52pm

Such an interesting post.

I think many people find swinging potentially bad because many of them are done for the wrong reasons. Sometimes the couple is bored, sometimes they feel they need a drastic change, sometimes one partner is down for it and the other isnt, sometimes they trivialize it and dont think it through. That isnt to say many things in a marriage can be done for the wrong reasons, like having a child for instance.

I totally feel that open marriages CAN work, but they also destroy lots of marriages that werent prepared. However, I also think open marriages can be some of the strongest. why? Because if there are ANY cracks in your marriage, an open situation can rip it apart. Successful open marriages occur for couples with the strongest bond.

I think many couples love to make their partner into sex objects. To have their way with them on a certain night. Well, nothing is more thrilling than making your partner into a sex object, by watching them have sex with someone else. Also, in a 3some, the third party is like a giant toy. They are there to please the both of you, and you both are there to use the extra party as an object. Now, I am not commenting on risks, I am simply stating why some find open marriages so fun.

I like to keep my control/agressive games between the two of us, but others like another person to be there sex toy. That is how I see it.

Of course it is dangerous. If there are any unseen cracks in the marriage or if that acts were done for the wrong reasons.......OUCH!

many people feel that people only engage in open marriages becasue of some pyschological issue. Well, many do, but not all in my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 1:53pm

Out of respect for you, humpdaddy and Kats I feel compel to explain or clarify my posture. I took the comments as judgmental criticism as they were made after-the-fact (my previous posts on this subject). I had stated that the only problem that seriously existed in our marriage was with the confidence and inexperience of our sexual behaviors; her more than mine. I certainly will agree that good marriages, all facets being inline does not need a third party in their bedroom. That’s only logical. We were lacking in that department and I stated that previously. My introduction of a third party idea was off the cuff, non-chant, made without intellectual thought and out of frustration; my purpose was misconstrued. I had hope that biological urges would take over and promote normal sex activity in our relationship but sexual play seen to diminish in nature as time passed. Being familiar with what others do in a marriage is part of research to reinforce, enhance or correct any negative situation lacking in ours. So many posts on this board indicate that viewing VCR’s, visiting internet sites and participating in extra relational activities is a form of research or education. Well those places were not ready available or talked about when we first got marriage so we couldn’t take advantage of those services.

Where did I say sexual relationship is really not that big of deal? The premise of my many post on this subject has, I hope indicated that a brother/sister relationship is not the best type of marriage. When I expressed “why fan the flames" I meant to verbalize that I did not want to destroy a marriage just for ONE imperfection. On this board I am fishing and not wanting to cut bait.

Regret your experience with a similar situation as mine and appreciate your thoughts that a sexless marriage as you say, “will eat at you till you have an affair and end up cheating”. I tend to agree with you that, “If she wont even try, what does that tell you about her true feelings for you.” So posing the following question may reveal escalation of a possible course of my action, as you forecast. Why does infidelity bring about divorce in a marriage where she won’t even try to be sexually compatible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 3:56am

Why does infidelity bring about divorce in a marriage where she won’t even try to be sexually compatible?

wind, there are some people who have a good marriage, but get their sex elsewhere.For myself I couldnt live that way. In my mind, a person who wont even try to be intimate with their spouse, even if its just for the spouses sake, well,that may be just the tip of the iceberg of how they really feel.
Some marriages just keep going out of habit.As it was mantioned before, a brother sister like relationship.If thats good enough for you, then who are we to comment.It wasnt good enough for me, and in my case it was the tip of the iceberg.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 12:14pm
I sure hope the effect of my marriage isn’t like the tip of the iceberg as you think is apparent. I may be naiveté about my interpolation, but my instinct in relation to all other events in the relationship would suggest otherwise. Yes, I am making a distinction between no sex, no romance, no play and other components of the marriage as unrelated. I don’t like this situation but for now I’m willing to accept it. So getting on this board to moderate any anguish; is good therapy to submit and respond to messages that may possibly apply to my situation. And thanks for your comments.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 12:30pm
Wind, I`m not saying she isnt in love with you, only that it was the case with my ex.My question is this... When one marry`s, there is an assumption that sex will be part of the marriage. When one spouse could care less about the physical needs of the other, in some cases it could be a red flag of sorts.

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