Our friends' sex lives - should I ask?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2008
Our friends' sex lives - should I ask?
5
Sat, 04-12-2008 - 2:05pm

This is an unusual question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Sat, 04-12-2008 - 2:23pm
Personally, I think it doesn't matter what they do, what matters is if you and your husband feel at some level that they are putting feelers out to the two of you, and if you are comfortable or not with being felt out, what it implies for your continuing friendship, and also be prepared for facing an eventual approach to you and your husband. The fact that you are considering asking them straight out if they are swingers and setting it straight with them that you and your husband are not interested says, to me at least, that you sense it is either heading that way, or you want to bring it out in the open before there is anymore subliminal, semi-joking word play that goes there, which can also lead to misunderstandings, if not dealt with beforehand.

Really, suggestive comments such as telling you that "Maybe if you get drunk enough (meaning me) you'll end up in our bed." are perhaps feelers. At least in what you have related here, it seems to me that at some level you suspect this is a feeler, regardless of how it is laughed off. It is clear that you don't really want to know what it is they do in their personal lives, but you don't want it infringing on either your personal life, or your friendship with this couple. Find a way to let them know that you don't want to get involved in anything but neither do you judge them for whatever it is they do. Not easy, I know. Good luck.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 04-12-2008 - 2:47pm

Welcome to the board, momathome1975.

I can see where that is a tough situation. I don't know if I would just bring it up, or if I would look for an opening. I would probably do the later. Instead of ignoring the various comments they make, I would respond in some fashion that gets your point across to them without putting them on the spot or making them feel awkward. You could even use an imaginary 3rd person if that makes it smoother. (Like a co-worker or friend from elsewhere.)

We have some newer friends that are always making playful comments, and joking about sexual things. I'm so glad we didn't say anything to offend them, because after knowing them for about a year, we discovered that it was just adult conversation to them. They're actually very tame in their personal life. We are too, as far as other people are concerned, but sometimes we felt uncomfortable around them because we didn't know how to interpret what they were saying.







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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2007
Sat, 04-12-2008 - 3:09pm
Hi.
I think you could use one of their openings, if you want to make a statement. If they talk about swinging, maybe you could say that it's not something that you would want to do, but you don't judge those who do it. If you actually want to know if they are swingers, then I think you need to ask.
Personally, I rather hate feelers. I can usually see them a mile away and I just find them annoying (or sometimes amused), but I can understand the need for them under certain circumstances. They certainly seem to be feeling you out, either because they want to be involved with you (but you say you don't think that's the case) because want to know how you feel about it because a lot of people don't like swingers. Maybe they just want to be free to tell you about their lifestyle.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2008
Sat, 04-12-2008 - 3:41pm

Thanks for the great suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2008
Sat, 04-26-2008 - 12:25am
If he is serious, your friends want one of two scenarios. Partner swap or couple watching.