Pain and Alternatives
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:35am |
I have a new boyfriend that I am really, really into. Considering I have only had one other serious relationship, and this seems to be going somewhere, I am very excited about our prospects for the future!
I am certainly not inexperienced when it comes to physicality, but when he and I have sex, we are having some problems in regard to actual insertion (it hurts!) and after we've been going for a while (it hurts a lot!). The stuff in between, when I'm really turned on, is great. He's kind of on the big side, but certainly not huge and I've never had these problems before. Advice?
The only thing I can come up with is that we aren't engaging in enough foreplay for me to be ready for him. How can I tell him that I need more attention in order to make things work? In particular, oral sex. I really love it and he hasn't made any moves in that direction thus far. I don't know if it is a psychological issue or if I smell bad or what. How can I talk to him about this without seeming like I'm being unappreciative and demanding? Also, what can I do to make sure giving me oral sex is a pleasant experience in regards to the smell/taste?

Talking about and letting your partner know what you need isn't sounding demanding or unappreciative, it's communicating our needs.
Let me answer your last question first. If you practice normal hygiene....and shower or bathe daily, and you don't have an infection.....your scent/taste is exactly what it's supposed to be. Female!
Unfortunately, there are some men who can't or won't do oral. That's THEIR problem, that has nothing to do with you. Maybe it's base on some prior experience, but shame on them, you aren't that past person. Some just have a psychological aversion to it. There's not much you can do about that.
Very often, in the beginning, guys are nervous about attempting it.....he might think it would shock or offend you. The only way to find out about his feelings is to talk to him about it. If you can't talk about sex with the man, then you shouldn't be doing it with him. Asking for what you like isn't being unappreciative or demanding. I'm sure if he wants you to do something, he wouldn't have a problem asking, and you wouldn't be offended by his asking.
As far as the pain is concerned, that's something else that you should be "speaking up" about. It may be as you suspect, that he's not taking enough time for foreplay....or it could just be that you're still a little nervous with him, and you're just not lubricating enough. Get some lubricant, and USE it. With a little help from him, and some time to get used to each other, you'll be able to put the lube away eventually.
Remember that a relationship is composed of TWO people, and they are both supposed to be having pleasure. If he doesn't know how to give you the pleasure that you want, you have to ask for it. He's not a mind reader, and maybe no other woman has explained things to him.