Parents finding out u started having sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Parents finding out u started having sex
36
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 1:51pm
I've got a question and I'd honestly like to hear what parents think because this is about parents.

Both my mom and my bf's parents don't know we're having sex. My mom knows I'm on bc but she thinks it's because my doctor recommended it so that my cycle becomes regular and all of that. The only time we really get to go at it is Fridays when nobody is home at his house. We were talking about them finding out one day and we both were like "OMGOSH".

Anyways, he had a dream that his parents found the condoms from his room and sprawled them out on the table and when he got home from work they confronted him.

When I think about that idea of them confronting him or even worse, us, it freaks me out. His parents are so amazing to me and I feel like I've corrupted their son lmao. I'm exaggerating. I just feel kind of weird on how to approach the situation if it ever came up that either of our parents found out.

Mind you, my mom is very "Sex is for marriage; anybody who has sex out of marriage is a SL*T" and his parents are very tight-lipped about the whole thing. The only thing his mother has ever said to him was "I know things happen. Just be careful." Those are our experiences with dealing with sex from our parents...

Anybody have experiences, when your parents or your SO's parents found out that you were having sex??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 12:52pm
Maybe so, but how?!?! I know there are a lot of things I did, said, and have done that my parents didn't know about, they have questioned me but I have said no and explained myself, but I lied. So parents can't see everything and I'm 20 yrs old.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 1:35pm
Well this is my point. I'm doing what I want and I'm completely content with the decisions I've made because they've lead to an amazing part of my life (He's one of the most important things in my life and I'm in no way about to let my mothers questions, defeat his value) BUT..it's really weird..walking around the house as I usually do knowing my mother KNOWS I'm sexually active even though there's no approval or acceptance from her. How do you live in a house and know that your flesh and blood's idea of you would be that you're a slut?? A lack of respect begins to show..and who wants that within the only relationship they have with a parent?? That's why I'm a bit concerned as to how to go about this..because I'm being realistic, it WILL come up one day and I don't want to sit there all speechless because of the confrontation. I know why and what I've done and how I've developed as a person because of it but how do you explain that to someone so narrow minded??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 1:35pm

I am 46 yrs old now and there were many things I *thought* I got away with when I was young.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 1:48pm
You might be being realistic but you are in a biased position being the daughter.

Just because you believe that your Mother disapproves of what you are doing doesn't mean that her reaction will bear that out. There might be some very good reasons why she feels that sex before marriage is a no-no. BUT you are her daughter and she has spent the last 18 years giving birth to you, caring for you, loving you, and looking out for you. She's probably not going to want you to hate her after all this time. And Yes, even a mother's opinions can change.

I think that you are jumping to conclusions thinking that she is thinking that you are a slut. Faced with the reality of the situation it's quite possible that she has had to change her views, or realises the fears that she had never materialised. She might be deathly scared that you would turn out to be a slut and when she realises that you are not like that, are behaving responsibly and maturely, she may well be surprised and relieved and even happy.

Sure, it's complicated but be careful of drawing conclusions about what your mother is thinking. Keep an open mind and see what happens.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 2:07pm
You may believe that your parents bought your lies, but odds are that they knew you were lying. After all, they've been watching you do it, at least occasionally, for 20 yrs., right? They KNOW what that looks like.

Sometimes, parents desperately WANT to believe that their children are being truthful, for their own peace of mind, even though their hearts are saying otherwise. One day, when you're a parent yourself, you'll understand what we mean.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 2:22pm
I agree with you Westie. And this certainly won't be the last conflict that shoegal will have with her mother.

But part of being an adult is making a personal choice and sticking with it, even in the face of disproval and opposition. Because when you're sure the choice is right for you, then there will be no need to explain, no guilt and no worrying about what others think. Her mother will accept her choice as her own, at some point, whether she ever thinks it's the right choice or not. That's what we all eventually learn to do when our children break from our beliefs or traditions because we love one another and that's more important than anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:01pm
ahhahaha there's no bais on my part trust me...

My mom says it quite proudly, she'd either 1.) Kick us out of the house or 2.) Never talk to us the same way, if either of her daughter's turned into a "Slut".

Being a bit older, I can see why you would say that..but TRUST ME..I'm not being biased...my mom has more "issues" with sex than there are "issues" of playboy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:34pm

You know your mother, we don't, but just remember many times mother's say things at times that we would never in a million years follow through with.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:38pm
I think that's a really good way of looking at your relationship with them. My bf and I always say parents can be really ignorant because they try to prevent things from happening but something they SHOULD happen. Parents need to let the leash loose a bit sometimes to let kids build their experiences. I'm not restricting it to sex as an example but in everything. Yeah, I just think I'm at a loss of ideas on how to handle the situation if it comes up. Do I tell her voluntarily, do I wait if she asks, if she blows up do I walk out, if she says nothing do I get mad..blah blah blah. I'm generally a passive person I don't get mad very easily and I hate trying my patience with her so I really don't know what the best way to talk to her about this is..or even if I should talk to her about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:39pm
Well I can remember the first time I had sex and like you, I was so affraid to tell my mom. I remember sitting at the edge of her bed, looking, thinking and wondering if she knew something. She looked at me and said what's up with you? Should I know something or do you want to ask me something. My mom is really down to earth and she starting talking to me about sex when I was around 13 years old. She always told me that I can come to her with anything.( Yah right! It's easier said than done)

Anyway as so as I started to tell her, she got really pissed because I was beatting around the bush. I didn't come right and tell her because it was like she already know. Yes, she knew before I even said anything about it. All I could say to myself was atleast I'm 17 and still attending school. Right, WRONG.. I thought I know everything at that age. So back to my mom, she was so funny when she got pissed because all she could say is /R U pregnant? I keep laughing because parents can be so funny when they don't know what to say. She said to me boldly ARE U haveing sex? I laughed more because I was so nervous to answer her. I thought she is going to kill me if I answered the wrong way. BUT you know what after I told yes, she was the coolest mom ever. I told her everything about me haveing sex and she said B, I love you and like I always told you what ever you need to tell me, tell me.

She even took me to the doctor to make sure everything was ok with me. I can't say to much about my mate at that because she really let him have it. Not in bad way but she sure let him know who's mom she was!!!!

All I can say is worry about your parents not his. Now that I have my own daughters I hope to have an open relationship with them. I want to be able to hear and share everything with them. I think being honest is the only way because if not, then you biuld all this fear that you start doing things you shouldn't, and everything in your home starts to change. Parents aren't easy to deal with but I know their, there for use regardless to what.

GOOD LUCK! I hope I help alittle at least. Take care and be safe always!!!!!!!!