Parents finding out u started having sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Parents finding out u started having sex
36
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 1:51pm
I've got a question and I'd honestly like to hear what parents think because this is about parents.

Both my mom and my bf's parents don't know we're having sex. My mom knows I'm on bc but she thinks it's because my doctor recommended it so that my cycle becomes regular and all of that. The only time we really get to go at it is Fridays when nobody is home at his house. We were talking about them finding out one day and we both were like "OMGOSH".

Anyways, he had a dream that his parents found the condoms from his room and sprawled them out on the table and when he got home from work they confronted him.

When I think about that idea of them confronting him or even worse, us, it freaks me out. His parents are so amazing to me and I feel like I've corrupted their son lmao. I'm exaggerating. I just feel kind of weird on how to approach the situation if it ever came up that either of our parents found out.

Mind you, my mom is very "Sex is for marriage; anybody who has sex out of marriage is a SL*T" and his parents are very tight-lipped about the whole thing. The only thing his mother has ever said to him was "I know things happen. Just be careful." Those are our experiences with dealing with sex from our parents...

Anybody have experiences, when your parents or your SO's parents found out that you were having sex??

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:45pm
Shoegal, you simply can't help being biased, you're 18! You only have one perspective to judge from....as a daughter. Your mother has the luxury of hindsight. She has been your age and is a parent and a person who has the experience of age.

And while she may SAY and believe that she would carry out her threats, I don't believe she could go through with it. She hasn't had to test her resolve yet. But she believes what she believes, for a reason and at some point, you'll have to stand up for your own choices openly and just deal with the aftermath.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 4:19pm
>>issues" of playboy.<<

*laugh*

Well, I still don't think that it's likely to be as bad as you think. Obviously she's been trying to instill the fear of something into you for some reason. One has to wonder why she feels so strongly about the issue. You've got wonder what happened to her for her to be so passionate about her beliefs?

You know how YOU are behaving. Do you consider your behaviour as 'sluttish'? If not, then you may have to stand up for what you believe in and consider to be appropriate behaviour for someone in your position. I don't mean having a big argument with your mother over this. You don't actually need to say anything to your mother if you are over 18yo. However, if it comes down to it, Yes, she probably has the right to kick you out of the house if you refuse to obey the rules of her house.

Personally, I don't see the need for it to go that far. Simply and clearly tell her that Yes, you are having sex with your b/f, and you have taken precautions, seen a Doctor and are not behaving like a slut - you are behaving like a responsible adult. If she continues to disagree or be aggressive about it you are going to simply have to accept that she has her own point of view and that the two of you can agree to disagree. There is actually no reason and certainly no benefit in having a big fight over this. the bizzare bit is that she beleives that she has your best interests in mind and she cares for you.

A big part of the problem is that for years she has been trying to instill her values and tips for living into you as she has looked after you. Now you have become your own independant person and it can be very scary seeing someone or something that you have spent your life raising making their own decisions about things. Especially if you think that they are bad decisions.

She has to let you make your own decisions just as much as you should listen to what she has to say and try to take her advice on board. And don't blindly ignore what she has to say, examine it for a grain of truth. She knows you better than anyone and is right there on the scene seeing the decisions that you are making. You never know, she might have a perspective on the situation that you hadn't thought of.

There is no easy solution to this. Perhaps the best solution is to avoid the discussion if possible. It sounds like you both know what the other is thinking anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 6:37pm
Shoegal, I'd not tempt fate if I were you. Keep it to yourself for now.

While many of the posters are representing parents are reasonable and intuitive, I do believe that there are the occaisional parents that are not those things. And because I don't know your parents, I'm going to take your word for it.

And for the record, during a recent family get together, my sister and I were recently confessing to our mum all the bad stuff we did in our teens. And do you know what - she had no idea about any of it! Honestly, I thought she must have at least smelled cigarette smoke on me when I experimented with smoking. While many mothers have eyes in the back of their heads, there are some that honestly have no idea.

While mum may not have been intuitive, I'm thankful that she was very reasonable :-)





Edited 11/3/2004 7:38 pm ET ET by iv_aisha2004

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 7:44am

Well this is my point. I'm doing what I want and I'm completely content with the decisions I've made because they've lead to an amazing part of my life (He's one of the most important things in my life and I'm in no way about to let my mothers questions, defeat his value) BUT..it's really weird..walking around the house as I usually do knowing my mother KNOWS I'm sexually active even though there's no approval or acceptance from her.


Two things come to mind when I read that. First and foremost, you're still living in her house and

--


martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:24am
"and if you sleep with every Tom, Dick, and Harry then THAT makes you a slut"

No, you don't have to sleep with Tom or Harry...;-) (Sorry, couldn't resist)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:34am

Thank you Martinisnsushi, that was a great post!!


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 9:05am
My job as a parent is to guide my children into becoming responsible adults. I set as good as an example as I can, teach them from my mistakes, but I do not have control over their choices. I have always tried to treat them with the utmost respect, or as I would like to be treated. I also tried to teach them to respect others. That the world doesn't revolve solely around them. My values are just that, mine. Give them my opinion, and HELP them to think logically(not think for them) about possible consequences and yet allow them to make choices whenever possible. By giving them my opinion, and still the freedom to choose, I have gained their respect because many times they saw that I was right(through wisdom). So when I give my opinion on important matters(as they grew), they seemed to heed to it and give it the utmost respect.

You need to respect your mother, as you see fit. Parents are not perfect, and you will have to accept that too. Their beliefs are theirs, but that doesn't make them fact.

I feel that I've done my job as parent. I've educated them, given them my expectations(age appropriate) and the freedom to make(hopefully) the BEST(responsible) choices. The one thing I wanted for them is not to have to depend on others for anything. We had a tragic accident here over a year ago. Two teenagers were hit by a speeding car. One would have been hit because they didn't look, but both were hit because they depended on the other to "look" for them.

I feel that their sex life is private, and if they don't want to discuss it, that's their right. Children are NOT the ownership of the parents for life, and not only in the physical sense.






Edited 11/4/2004 10:47 am ET ET by ismelltheroses

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 11:46am
Perhaps your mother fell into the catagory I call "deliberate ignorance." Where parents prefer NOT "knowing" or acknowledging what their children may be up to because they either don't know how to deal with it or they fully expect them to experiment in ways they won't approve of but prefer to choose their battles carefully. I think most parents do a little of that, too. In other words, allowing a child a little rebellion as long as they aren't in danger of serious harm. It can prevent MAJOR rebellion later on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 5:19pm
Well then, what does that make Tom, Dick, and Harry?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 6:04pm
Happy?