partner has gotten fat....
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partner has gotten fat....
| Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:00am |
WARNING! this will be really long! k, I feel really guilty even bringing this up to anyone, but I really dont know what to do and I desperatly want suggestions about what to do....heres my problem:
Me and my bf have been together for 3 years now. I love him and know that he would make a great life long partner. He really is one of my best friends. But since we started dating he has gained a TON of weight. like 40 lbs. In the first part of our relationship we had a really healthy, active sex life. about a year and a half ago now, my sex drive just totally died. we went from having sex a couple times a day, to a couple times a month. and when we did have sex, it was only because I felt bad that he wasnt being satisfied. I was just never turned on! I thought for a long time that it was me. and that I had somthing wrong. I realised about 6 months ago, that it wasnt me, because while on vacation w/ a friend we went to a club and met some guys. Though nothing physical actually happened, I was incredibly horny all night. since then I have paid more attention to my feelings, and Ive realised that it is not that I have no sex drive, I just have no intrest in having sex w/ my partner. I actually feel turned off by him. alot of this has to do with the fact that about 5 yrs ago I was in a very abusive relationship w/ a guy that wasnt of the best physique...ok, actually he was just fat. anyway, now when I see my current partner I visualize this other guy and all those nasty things come back in my head. I must admit though, this is not all of it, there is a part of me that simply just isnt attracted to him because he is fat. Also, I have made sure to at the very minimum maintain my body to what it was when we met. I do this because I want to keep him satisfied, and to show him that I think he is worth looking good for. I tend to take it a little personally, that he does not feel I am worth looking good for. I cant see it being good for me or him to be in this relationship if im no longer atracted to him, but everything else is so good and I feel like im just being a superficial b**ch for thinking this. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to fix this? Its not that I want him to be perfect, but I started dating him because Im attracted to slim, or fit guys...not fat ones. so i just want him to get back to what he used to look like. am I horrible for thinking/feeling this?? should I try and bring it up to him? but then how do you tell your partner that they are to fat to have sex with?? sheesh! I just dont know, and im getting more and more botherd by this. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!!
thank you so much if youve read this horrible rant.
rija
Me and my bf have been together for 3 years now. I love him and know that he would make a great life long partner. He really is one of my best friends. But since we started dating he has gained a TON of weight. like 40 lbs. In the first part of our relationship we had a really healthy, active sex life. about a year and a half ago now, my sex drive just totally died. we went from having sex a couple times a day, to a couple times a month. and when we did have sex, it was only because I felt bad that he wasnt being satisfied. I was just never turned on! I thought for a long time that it was me. and that I had somthing wrong. I realised about 6 months ago, that it wasnt me, because while on vacation w/ a friend we went to a club and met some guys. Though nothing physical actually happened, I was incredibly horny all night. since then I have paid more attention to my feelings, and Ive realised that it is not that I have no sex drive, I just have no intrest in having sex w/ my partner. I actually feel turned off by him. alot of this has to do with the fact that about 5 yrs ago I was in a very abusive relationship w/ a guy that wasnt of the best physique...ok, actually he was just fat. anyway, now when I see my current partner I visualize this other guy and all those nasty things come back in my head. I must admit though, this is not all of it, there is a part of me that simply just isnt attracted to him because he is fat. Also, I have made sure to at the very minimum maintain my body to what it was when we met. I do this because I want to keep him satisfied, and to show him that I think he is worth looking good for. I tend to take it a little personally, that he does not feel I am worth looking good for. I cant see it being good for me or him to be in this relationship if im no longer atracted to him, but everything else is so good and I feel like im just being a superficial b**ch for thinking this. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to fix this? Its not that I want him to be perfect, but I started dating him because Im attracted to slim, or fit guys...not fat ones. so i just want him to get back to what he used to look like. am I horrible for thinking/feeling this?? should I try and bring it up to him? but then how do you tell your partner that they are to fat to have sex with?? sheesh! I just dont know, and im getting more and more botherd by this. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!!
thank you so much if youve read this horrible rant.
rija

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Edited 8/26/2008 6:11 pm ET by inacolada
to answer a couple of the questions... A big reason im turned off by heavier men IS because of my past relationship. Im am slowly getting over it. but i dont see that Ill ever totally be over it. I cant stand when guys (any guy) raises there voice. It sends me into a total panic attack. and I have only in the last year broken the habit of asking permission to go out with my friends. My bf never understood why I would ask him if it was ok if I could go out w/ the girls, or why I would phone to see if I should come home...but I had litterally been trained to do these things so yeah. but hes been good, and so im slowly getting out of some of these habits. And with the sex thing, my ex frequently made me do things that I didnt want to do, or even just have sex when I didnt feel like it so now because my bf has gained weight and his body type reminds me of my ex, I cant help it, but i just remember all the crap that my ex put me through w/ regard to sex and then I just get sick to my stomach and cant possibly be turned on. Also, I guess I should mention that I moved 15 hrs away in september to go back to school so Im not really around to be as helpful as Ive wanted to be :-( ugh! are the odds againt me in this one?? I have tried apporaching this problem from the angle of his health...and not associating it to be a problem w/ me, but it hasnt been very effective. I know that his weight bothers him too though, because he wont even go to the beach or anything cause hes embarassed. Mabey I will have to finally get the courage to tell him what is really bothering me? He lives w/ my mom back home, so mabey I should talk to her about trying to get him to make better eating choices? She knows how I feel w/ this whole thing cause she is the one person ive talked about it with. Im just so scared of hurting him, ya know. I just have major communication problems. My ex wasnt the first abusive relationship id been in, and theyve just kinda ruined me. It took me over 2 years before I told my bf I loved him, and honestly if he wouldnt have said it first, I never would have.... I just cant. I communicate and bond well w/ women but when it comes to open communication with men i get scared in everyway possible. *sigh* I just have issues. Im determined to do what it takes to make things better though, I dont have a problem w/ commiting the time and energy, I just need the help in knowing HOW. i am going home for xmas, and im hoping ill know how to approach this by then, cause its not somthing I want to do over the phone or while we are far apart because i dont want to make either of us feel insecure in the relationship. thanks again everyone!
Rija
~all the water in the world cant sink a ship
unless it gets inside~
It sounds to me that there is a lot more going on here than just his weight. I dont mean to say that you are shallow but, his weight should not be such an issue. You need to heal the scars of your past relationships. You can not allow the past to ruin your present and your future.
Your bf can not and will not loose weight unless he wants to. He has to do it for himself and nobody else. Although it is good for you to be concerned about his health, you can not make him loose weight, you can only support him while he tries. What you can do is, get some good councling so you can learn to accept your past.
Good luck.
Rija, from reading your two posts, IMO...I don't think it has
I agree with the others. YOu need to fix yourself and your own problems before you try to fix someone else. You need to figure out why you repeatedly chose abusive partners....and work on your own self esteem.
Your b/f knows he's fat.....and when he's ready to do something about it he will. You can't make someone else change, they have to do that for themselves.
Good Luck!
You didn't elaborate much on why his weight might have changed, ie. lifestyle changes, he quit going to the gym, changed his eating habits,etc. Perhaps he has an underlying medical problem that has caused his weight gain, ie. thyroid problem. He should have a complete physical, and the doctor can also suggest an exercise/diet regimen that will help both of you to live a healthier life.
hope this helps.
J
Certainly the two issues of your b/f's weight and your abusive past seem to be intertwined and are complicating each other, but at the same time it does seem that you were handling the relationship much better before your b/f put on the weight. And 40 pounds isn't a small weight gain, it's substantial. Everyone puts on a few pounds here and there, but this isn't an issue of a few pounds - or even 20 pounds. This is a big weight gain.
I don't think that you're wrong to feel the way that you do. Not only has the guy gained weight but his behaviour and personality have changed because of the weight - for example, you say he won't go to the beach anymore. It's a touchy issue. There have been plenty of men that have posted here on the boards in the past about their wives that have gained weight and they get a variety of responses - I have to admit that most of them tell the men that they should stop being so shallow and more or less to get over it. At the same time I can understand these guys, they can't help feeling what they are feeling.
The best course of action would be to talk gently to him about it and help him change his diet, exercise and loose the weight. Even then, it's not going to work unless he is reasonably dedicated to loosing the weight himself. He's got to want to do it too. It's something that you can do together and is best if you do it together. In your case, it's not that easy because you are living away from home.
I think that you should still talk to him and encourage him. I think that I would even tell him why you feel the way that you do about larger guys - I don't know that it will not be something that he particularly wants to hear, but at least he will understand where you are coming from. Talk to his Mum too and see if she can help with that diet and healthy food choices.
Other than that I don't believe that there is a lot you can do. If you feel strongly enough about this that you have to break up with him because of it, then so be it. It would be a shame though, because weight gain is something that can be worked at and usually resolved or compromised with, and physical changes don't really change the person inside - he's still much the same guy that you fell in love with. But at the same time, you can't help feeling what you are feeling.
yes, I am well aware that I probably do need counciling for my past relationships because they haunt me still on a regular basis. not a week has gone by where I dont think of these guys I got involved with... My uni offers free counciling (from psychologists..not peers) so I think if I bring this up w/ my bf I will try to compromise with him and explain that I will seek councilling to help w/ my side of it, and for him to put the effort into start looking after himself again.I wouldnt mind even paying for a gym membership for him (money is much more tight for him because he goes to a tech school, whish runs all year round and is way more financally draining then mine) I realise some of you just think Im shallow and that this whole issue is more or less just a little beaten wife syndrome so thats fine, but going for 180-220 on a 6' frame as a HUGE body change. going from a 32 pant size to a 38! come on now. So while yes, some of these problems are my own, I would still feel stongly about this even w/o my past. Also, I am not quite sure how anyone can say...well if you love him it shoudnt be an issue...when did sexual attraction become totally dependent on love? I did not initially think he was hot becuase I thought "wow hes a really great person" I took the time to find out if he was a great person cause I initially though "g*d hes hot" of course we are a little more forgiving once we have other bonds holding the relationship together, and really I was fine w/ the first 10 15 lbs. but am I not supposed to want to have sex just for the sole pleasure of having sex w/ someone im strongly attracted to, or is every sexual experience w/ a comitted partner supposed to be some sort of deep emotional connection?!? I think that it should be understandable for people to be upset over a partners weight gain providing that there are not underlying medical problems (and I am pretty sure that my bf was simply a lifestyle change, because it DID change after he met me) Anyway, I am going to GENTLY aproach the subjet when I go home because it seems that are not to many ways around this situation other then to approach it head on. Im going to have to figure out how to say some things in the least hurtful way possible because I think it will be hard for him to understand if I just come out and say that because hes gained weight all I can think of is my ex when we are having sex...i dont think anyone would want to hear that.... YIKES ... im very nervous about this...but I love him dearly and want to make this work, so if confronting my insecurities in the process is what I need to do, then I will. Thank you all. I think I sorta knoew what needed to be done but I needed a little 'kick in the but' to get me moving on this one. Its somthing ive been sitting on for months now.
Rija
~all the water in the world cant sink a ship
unless it gets inside~
<>
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>I don't think weight or anything else should be an issue when you love someone 100%.<
I know that you weren't making that comment to me, but I'll add my thoughts to it anyway, tish. I'm not aiming to flame, I'm just thinking out loud.
I think that we'll have to disagree on that one. I believe that weight can be a substantial issue even though you love someone 100%. I agree with you when the weight gain is only normal, but substantial gains are different. Everyone's bodies change over time, for sure. We put on weight, we loose weight, we get older, our hair falls out in some places, it grows in others, and gravity takes it's toll too. But people talk about "I want to get old with you" when they talk about love. They don't talk about "I want to get fat with you".
I think that love is love and physical attraction is physical attraction. Sure, they meet in the middle, but there is a point where one becomes separate from the other. At the extreme end, you can love someone without physical attraction, and you can be physically attracted to someone without love.
Forcing yourself to be attracted to someone when you dislike their body shape isn't something that you can just do. A lot of people here often say "Love them whatever the body shape" and that would be fine and dandy if it worked. I just don't think that love can overcome issues of physical attraction particularly in this area of obesity or weight gain. Don't ask me why it's different from saggy breasts, or bald heads, I don't know. The fact of the matter is that a lot of people find that their physical attraction to a partner takes a nose-dive when the partner has a substantial weight gain. What DO you do about it? It's obvious that love isn't going to do it. It would be nice if love WAS the solution - but it isn't. I don't have the answers. I'm not sure that anyone does.
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