partner has gotten fat....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
partner has gotten fat....
14
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:00am
WARNING! this will be really long! k, I feel really guilty even bringing this up to anyone, but I really dont know what to do and I desperatly want suggestions about what to do....heres my problem:
Me and my bf have been together for 3 years now. I love him and know that he would make a great life long partner. He really is one of my best friends. But since we started dating he has gained a TON of weight. like 40 lbs. In the first part of our relationship we had a really healthy, active sex life. about a year and a half ago now, my sex drive just totally died. we went from having sex a couple times a day, to a couple times a month. and when we did have sex, it was only because I felt bad that he wasnt being satisfied. I was just never turned on! I thought for a long time that it was me. and that I had somthing wrong. I realised about 6 months ago, that it wasnt me, because while on vacation w/ a friend we went to a club and met some guys. Though nothing physical actually happened, I was incredibly horny all night. since then I have paid more attention to my feelings, and Ive realised that it is not that I have no sex drive, I just have no intrest in having sex w/ my partner. I actually feel turned off by him. alot of this has to do with the fact that about 5 yrs ago I was in a very abusive relationship w/ a guy that wasnt of the best physique...ok, actually he was just fat. anyway, now when I see my current partner I visualize this other guy and all those nasty things come back in my head. I must admit though, this is not all of it, there is a part of me that simply just isnt attracted to him because he is fat. Also, I have made sure to at the very minimum maintain my body to what it was when we met. I do this because I want to keep him satisfied, and to show him that I think he is worth looking good for. I tend to take it a little personally, that he does not feel I am worth looking good for. I cant see it being good for me or him to be in this relationship if im no longer atracted to him, but everything else is so good and I feel like im just being a superficial b**ch for thinking this. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to fix this? Its not that I want him to be perfect, but I started dating him because Im attracted to slim, or fit guys...not fat ones. so i just want him to get back to what he used to look like. am I horrible for thinking/feeling this?? should I try and bring it up to him? but then how do you tell your partner that they are to fat to have sex with?? sheesh! I just dont know, and im getting more and more botherd by this. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!!
thank you so much if youve read this horrible rant.
rija

~all the water in the world cant sink a ship

 unless it gets inside~

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:13pm

<<>>
>I don't think weight or anything else should be an issue when you love someone 100%.<

First, westridge did a pretty thorough job of expressing my feelings as well with regards to this. but here is my 2cents, since this was directed towards me. I dont see growing old w/ someone even comparable to somebody in there early-mid twenties simply not looking after themselves anymore. Growing old with someone is part of sharing a life together. I am not sharing getting fat w/ him, nor do I want to. Growing old is natural. It is part of life. Gaining over 10lbs/yr since the start of a relationship isnt. Life brings changes, this is not a new concept to me. I just feel that these changes should be because of life....not lifestyle. There is no use retyping the post from westridge but we see this in the very same way.
However, I just dont think I have to energy or emotional capacity to deal w/ this. Mabey im wrong and my views are distorted?? either way. i give up. I dont want to hurt my bf and by the sound of it that all im going to do. He has been the only guy that has never abused me and I dont want to cause him pain because im a shallow bitch. I have changed my mind and i regress. thank you everyone for your words, but I am going to tuck this one away again along with everything else. I am better adept at keeping it w/in then having to hurt someone else so I will turn a blind eye, and try to focus on all the things that do make him the wonderful person he is.


~all the water in the world cant sink a ship

 unless it gets inside~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:55pm

<>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:19pm

I agree with Westridge. The OP cannot control the fact that she is turned off by her BF's 40 pound weight gain in a very short time. She naturally worries where this will end. It is seriously affecting her attraction to him.

In all couples slow expected changes occur over long periods of time, but his change projects on possible "things to come", an obese individual who will turn her off even more in the future. It is affecting her a great deal now, and will affect her even more in the future unless he himself wants to help himself. She has a lot to think about in this declining relationship!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 3:24pm

I can see where you're coming from, tish. I'm not the perfect specimen of manhood myself. I'm in reasonable shape (even if it is slightly pear-shaped) - and I've put on a few pounds over the last 4 years that I've known my partner too. She's in reasonable shape too - but like me could stand to loose a few pounds. Weight issues are something that both of us consider from time to time and try to deal with but we're generally happy with one another.

Without trying to state the obvious, and being politically correct or not, there is discrimination against obese people, right from the negative impact on appearance through to the self-esteem and health issues. I don't think that you can blame one person for being less attracted to another person who's weight falls outside of their personal 'criteria'. I think that most people simply see obesity as something that can be controlled relatively easily if a person has enough willpower. So it's disappointing to see someone that you love become obese because the weight gain affects so many other things that you consider important in a partner too. Of course there are mitigating factors like health issues that are often uncontrollable. But like it or not, weight is just one of those many factors that make us more or less attracted to a person. I can't see why so many people claim that a substantial weight gain shouldn't matter.

As another, albeit slightly bizarre, example, I wish that I had the willpower to control my weight as easily as I can control whether or not I wash and cut my hair, but I don't. But you can be sure that my partner would be less attracted to me if I had dreadlocks and wildlife on my scalp. Underneath the matted and unkempt exterior I would still be the same person, so why should I be surprised if she told me that she felt less attracted to me?

How would you feel if your husband put on 40 pounds? How about 60 pounds, or more? Perhaps your acceptable "weight gain threshold" (that's a great pseudo-scientific phrase, isn't it?) is higher than most other peoples? I imagine that even you would have a point on the scales where your husband's weight became an issue of physical attraction.

Pages