Past boyfriend size

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Past boyfriend size
63
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 10:09am

At the steep cost of another size question, I would like to know if you think its normal/healthy for a woman to discuss, in some detail, the size of her past boyfriends with her current boyfriend. Do you discuss the size of past relationships with your current one? If so, is it because your current SO asked? or do you feel it is a normal topic of discussion?

I would really appreciate answers to these specific questions, not another ridiculous discussion about whether size matters or size vs. how you use it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 6:43pm
I've learned the hard way, #1 Don't ever tell your lover how many you've had!!!! Get his number first and lie!!!! #2 Don't ever tell your lover about another lovers penis, unless it was really small. Lie again!!!! I had way more lovers than my husband, and told him so and now it can be a uncomfortable topic of discussion but ususally only when we're arguing..... LIE LIE LIE! I'm not a liar, I'm just not that kind of person but for those two questions in life - I should have lied!!! My little sister was right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 9:41am
You were right not to lie, its not your fault your husband is insecure. Carlie Simmon wrote a song that talked about this...."we talked about the lovers from our past..and WHY they DIDNT last"...You are with him now, he should know the reason why you are with him now wasnt based on his dick size..if it were that importnant to you, you would still be with Mr. Big Dick.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 1:39pm

But there is no reason to feel pressured to lie about anything. Don't ask for numbers or details, use descretion about such things, agree that the past is the past and off limits when it comes to those personal details and leave it at that.

Save yourself AND your partner a lot of problems/heartache and remember that emotions aren't logical. You simply can't always predict the reaction to such disclosures. Insecurity, to some degree, is part of being human.

IMO, the best answer to questions from a partner is "I respect myself, you and my past partners enough NOT to discuss them with anyone." Don't ask, don't tell....everyone's better off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 2:04pm

>>>>>>>.It's a opportunity to put the pressure on men for something they can't change and make them feel a little insecure if they don't measure up to a supposed standard.<<<<<<

you are right there are posters that do that.....i see that all the time on a another board but the thing is it has its consequences there are guys who never say stuff about women’s bodies see women saying this and in turn start saying stuff about women bodies

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 2:10pm

Yes, there ARE consequences to either sex taking that kind of retaliatory stance against the opposite sex....number one being mutual distrust. And it can become a vicious cycle.

If you don't truly believe it, then it shouldn't be said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 1:21pm

My situation perhaps is rare compared to the average, but my wife and I have shared even the goriest details of our past sexual histories as a very positive part of our relationship.

We were best friends for 10 years before we discovered that had been very fertile ground for love to grow, and now have 4 years of marriage and 2 children( added to the 3 step sons) added to that friendship. In the very first few weeks we amazed each other with the things we hadnt told our best friend that we could now tell our spouse. We both had had experiences far outside our normal behavior, things that predated our friendship or were something that occured during our friendship but simply wasnt part of our friendship or the kind of thing wed share.

Finding out we had both experienced, and rejected, a few heavy drugs, her amazement that for several years I had been a regular pot smoker, and most especially that we had BOTH been involved in threesome sex... Boy, as best friends we sure were naive about each other.
We ended up talking about everything, and if we missed something that came to mind later it would often find a good conversation to come up in.

Personally, I believe my wife is more than that, and is a soul mate. She has said the same to me. By sharing our pasts I have felt a "part" of what I missed, even if as a fly on the wall. That past included some pain, raped by two different high school teachers she trusted, molested by a family member, and her first marriage to a guy she liked without love simply to escape home, as well as the lovers who in their way pleased her.
I was in fact very aroused by the inclusion of me in her past that I felt as a result of her detailed sharings.
Perhaps part of my security is the knowledge that although she has been with more attractive or better equiped men, I am the first and only man to take the time to discover her body, and not just listen to her directions but take her down new paths as well as revisiting old ones she thought were deadends until I seduced her into a retry and found what others had missed...Example, damaged in a childhood bicycycle accident,
and agian by a sever tearing in childbirth, her clitoris is completely encased, not just hooded, by the hood tissue.
Not every enjoying cunnilingus she rarely let me kiss her there , and only for my pleasure. But one night when especially relaxed she said " go ahead" and the result was her first ever clitoral orgasm. All it took was patience. And the reason it worked was because I knew what the others had done wrong by having shared with her ....
We also discovered what might be each others "weaknesses", temptations best to avoid or at the least be wary of, or should I say my 99 weaknesses and her maybe 1...an exaggeration but true enough. Which means we agree she decides what is and isnt appropriate for the moment sexually, and that in financial matters I have buisness skills she lacks, but I am too tight, so while I have final say, she has appeal rights that I agree to revisit a purchase, especially if its for the kids.
Not that everything was perfect, there were some surprises. But even the difficulties faced hearing things we didnt want to hear when overcome strengthened us.

Now, if you know your spouse has values that will be offended or cause harm to his peace of mind, I think its appropriate to discuss in generalities that your past might make him uncomfortable, and agree to skip some things. But if a relationship is going to be all it can be, and last a lifetime, I think eventually everything will be on the table. Everything you have experienced is part of making you the person you are, and knowing those intimate details can provide insight into the bagage your partner carries, as well as the events which hurt or joyed them. Loving my wife now, I certainly cant regret the things of her past, even the most serious mistakes, for they are part of her.
And she shares this viewpoint, although she had the harder things to accept. she was a victim of rape and molestation, while I came one step too close to molesting a cousin, and had to tell her that I was aroused to the point of having to hide my full erection the first time she described her first rape, which hurt her tremendously until she realized after discovering much of my fantasy life revolved and reliving and FIZXING past bad events... and in her story the rape she described I was reliving in my mind as her and I together rough but consensually...
And she was amazed at the number of very interesting and erotic adventures I had in spiter of my overall limited experience. I hadnt had a lot of sex, but of what I had a lot was very interesting. And because we shared our pasts, we certainly didnt have to worry about bringing up any fantasies that might be too disturbing. We already knew early on that she was incredibly open minded of what others do, forgiving of those who wronged her( she went the incredible extra mile of going to those who had hurt her, confronting them, and then sharing with them her forgivess) and while cautious with her own actions, potentially open to anything with those cautions met... And when she discovered my wide range of expereinces and all the positive I had felt even from most of the mistakes, she got a whole lot of laughs from the bizarre situations I seemed to encounter and how I had handled or not handled them. And was encouraged then to explore areas she had already rejected or never considered. Justr getting past masturbation issues helped her learn her body. And that was a major part of her going from having experienced one orgasm in her adult life before we became lovers, and the experience that after 4 years not only is she orgasmic beyond belief( G spot, regular vaginal, and our newest frined clitoral), but now shes experimenting anally as well.
Well, I was 44 when we married, I dint have time to reexperience all the first times we both had already had, and the timidness and time it took tio bring up the most taboo.So dumping the whole interesting package ion each other very quickly got us right up to speed on what we liked, or were interested in, and what was yuk to us, or yuk that the other had done... She was the first person I had ever discussed by only same sex encounter with, and the relationship I had with a very sleezy first cousin for years was a real upchucker for her. She was far more supportive of two drunk and depressed men trying but failing to give each other head, in drunken stupidity wondering if the constant failue with women was because they were gay but didnt know it, than she could ever be of that cousin who used her 8 years of exotic dancing in North Hollywood experience(she seduced a lot of men from 16 to 86 for gain, expensive gifts in thanks for sex isnt a whole lot different that plain old prostitution)to seduce her older but naive and shy cousin and use him both financially and emotionally. But hey, in the end I was the stronger person as a result, although the 20k in loans she skipped out on do hurt..

If you are looking to build the strongest possible marriage/relationship, eventually you will share it all. Now, sometimes people are ready for this already, but most of us have to do a lot of growning up and overcomeing of hangups before we are ready. The very reason I believe I didnt have what I have now until I was in my 40s. So if you dont want to heare about your spouses past sex life, you probably need to examine WHY it would bother you. That alone may help you grow, and doing something about the way you feel, accepting it as best, or overcoming an obstacle or prejudice, can be incredibly growing...

So, while my wifes past lovers include one with a much larger penis, and oen with very similar but he is 6'4" to my 5'3" and she openly admits that my height was an obstacle, and youd think I might be a little envious, but you know what, shes here with me NOW, and they arent, I WIN!!!
Dont avoid sharing your pasts just because "common knowledge" is that past sex lives can encourage doubt and envy. That is only if you never as a couple grow beyond early
insecurities. As you begin to trust in each other, bringing out your absolute WORST moments can free you of the bad lingeringsd, and working them through in shariong can build tremedous bounds with your partner. If nothing else, I can never betray my wife without risking she tells all and ruins me..... LOL like giving her a hostage to hold that guarantees she can trust me, and with guaranteed trust, she and I have a lot of room for friendships and time spent away from each other to pursue intrests we dont share but dont want to give up...Can you imagine, I have a friend( male) who is taking a sewing class and hating it just because the cheating dumb ass now has to go everywhere with her, even her sewing class.

Ah, wrote another novel, this is one of those things ID NOT BE ABLE to do if my wife and I didnt share complete confidence. I am home watchin the kids and posting to a websight mostly for women, while she is with her best friend at a craft fair. If we had to switch, wed be miserable, so this time apart is great. If she were like a couple of previous girlfriends, that I am here posting about sex with other women and men would be cheating on her, no matter my motive, content, and hoped for result, to strengthen my marriage with inproved knowledge as well as the self respect gained when you actually contribute to others ecxperience.

There are some lines in the movie "Meet Joe Black" which I cant remeber exactly, but in different words Joe asks a married couple how they can have such faith in each other, and the answer is that each knows the others darkest secrets, which gives them assurance there is nothing they need ever withhold from each other in the future...their worst is behind them... I think they had something there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:02am
ked-tid, I also think its not a bad idea to know each others past. As long as you both agree to withhold judgement and understand that it is our flavorful past (and sometimes not so flavorful) that make us who we are today. The only reasons I can see that a person doesnt want to know is either an insecutity (we all have them to some extent)or an over active immagination that tries to constantly visulize the "acts" of their S.O. with the others. (jealously).
Knowing all about your S.O. is knowing they had a life before us, and what that life consisted of.Both good and bad. How do you REALLY know someone if you dont REALLY know them? Some might say its none of their business, or its disrespectful to the "others" from her past...All I can say is I dont agree, details dont necessarily have to be shared.
Telling a spouse you had sex with a certain person isnt disrespectful to that person, its almost understood you did have sex if you were in a relationship with them.If it was a one nighter, who cares anyways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:41am

>>Some might say its none of their business, or its disrespectful to the "others" from her past...All I can say is I dont agree, details dont necessarily have to be shared.<<

I think we'll ALL agree with that, lol, but I think the original topic was about those discussions the details though. THAT is the part where some disagree.

My own wife and I believe in being open, but not THAT open, lol. Others may or may not, good for them. :)

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 4:39pm

I'm very happy for you and your wife, ked. But after almost 30 yrs. and two children together, my DH and I are doing just fine, thanks. And we've never had to share a single, gory, unecessary, intimate detail of our pasts to accomplish that either.

And yes, all those past experiences make us who we are, that's a certainty, but it's simply not necessary, IMHO, to share every minute detail of them with anyone, including your spouse.

As I've said before, I trust my DH to let me know what might affect our marriage today, and visa versa, and that approach has worked splendidly for us so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 1:29pm
Kat obviously neither you or your husband thought it was necessary or interesting enough to want to find out about each others past.That works for you...But tell me , how would you have handled it IF he had asked? To me , if my partner in life refused to tell me about her past,(If I asked) all kinds of red flags would go up...nothing could be so bad that it couldnt be shared with your spouse, now could it?<<<<<< Her," well honey his penis WAS bigger, but you are so much a better lover"...see no harm no foul.....lol

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