Performance Anxiety

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Performance Anxiety
2
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 10:22pm

I've been dating a guy for about a month now, and though I've been taking things slowly, I feel that I'm ready for things to progress to the bedroom. We're both definitely there, mentally. The problem I have is that I'm very shy about sex. It takes a while for me to get comfortable with someone and really loosen up those inhibitions. The guy I'm dating and I are comfortable talking about anything (we were friends previously), and so we've had a few very frank discussions about sex. The problem is that he is not at all shy when it comes to sex. He's very straightforward and has talked about all the things he wants to try and how exciting it will be when we eventually sleep together. I get caught up in these discussions and feel very bold at the time, but afterwards, when I visualize doing these things, I feel positively terrified and want to put off having sex for as long as possible. I'm feeling this pressure, internally created, to perform to his standards. I want to wow him, and I know that's what he sees in his mind when he thinks about the two of us making love, but the more I think about it the shyer I get. I just know I'm not going to be ready to do all the things he wants to do, not for some time, and I know I'm not going to be uninhibited. I'm so afraid of disappointing him now :-(

Does anyone have any suggestions for overcoming my shyness?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 11:24pm

>>I get caught up in these discussions and feel very bold at the time, but afterwards, when I visualize doing these things, I feel positively terrified<<

I bet that he'd be thinking much the same thing as you are - when he really thinks about it. He's horny and he wants to get laid. His little mind is whirring away at high speed. If you watch him closely you'll probably see smoke coming out his ears. The sexual tension between the two of you is obviously very hot and no doubt he does want to try a lot of these things, but talking about it and actually doing it ARE two different things. He won't be the superman that he makes out to be either and you definitely won't be doing all these things at once. I don't think that you have as much to worry about as you think that you do.

As for not quite being there yet? You've only known the guy for a month. You're allowed to feel hesitant and unsure about some things. A month isn't really all that much time.

I don't think that it'd hurt to gently mention to him that while all the talk about what he wants to do is great and fun, he should realise that you want to take things slowly at first. Just tell him that you won't be swinging from the chandeliers the first night. I think that he probably knows that when he stops to think about it too.

If it's a good relationship then you don't need to "wow" him the first night with what you do. Just being intimate with you will "wow" him and the circus tricks can happen later as the sexual relationship develops. And if things are good, it WILL develop and get better and better and get more and more "wow" factor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:29am

First you need to forget putting on a "performance". This isn't a play, and it's not a performing art". You need to just allow things to happen naturally, and they will. As Westridge said, all this talking is ridiculous....for both of you. First time sex with anyone is NOT usually a "wow"....it's good.....but it takes a long time to get to the "wow" stage, and when it does, it's not because you're performing, it's because you're enjoying it, and so is he.

It's only been a month, and there's no rush.....if the feelings are there, it will happen naturally, when it's time to happen. It will be good. The next time will be better because you'll both be more comfortable. If you let it happen, there won't be time to be shy.....you'll enjoy it and so will he. Try a little less talking, and a little more action.....and slowly work your way up to it....and it will be fine.