perplexed in new relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
perplexed in new relationship?
12
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:34am
I NEED HELP ASAP!!! I just got started in a new relationship, its been 2 mths now... and we havent had much sex or hookedup much... maybe like twice a week... but we hang out all the time... but the past month.. he has been always tired... needing to take naps after work...and just not wanting to have sex or even hookup with me... I told him that it honestly looks iike he's getting it elsewhere.. or that it just me. I haven't been able to orgasim at all with him... I told him I feel like me not being able to have one is making it uncomfortable for him to even wanna hook up with me now!!! He said nooo thats not it.. hes just always tired.. doesnt have a sex drive... but hes in his early 20's.. this shouldnt happen!!!! So now.. in my eyes...he tired all the time... can't really get hard.. doesn't seem excited or to desire me in that sexual way when we're toghter... but I mean we do that snuggling, laying toghether, the holding.... but this not wanting to have sex with me is making me feel like its me.. I now feel unattractive.. not sexy.. and its making me feel uncomfortable trying to ininiate sex!!! What should I do!! What do you think is going on!! please help..... o and FYI.. he does take anxiety meds and smoke pot a bit.... could that be interferring with his sex drive... I am a realistic person.. so people please hit me with honesty and the truth as to what you think is going on here!!! THANKS IN ADVANCE TO ALL!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:49am

Okay, you need to chill, LOL, I don't really see an emergency here and have VERY high hopes that things will end up just fine...BUT...that really depends on your future reactions/response to situations with him that you don't exactly like.

First of all, I PERSONALLY believe that the pot is debatable, IF he is only doing a smidgen of it here and there. If you are certain he is not an addict that takes it multiple times daily or anything, then I wouldn't really hold that in itself accountable on its own.

The anxiety meds, in my personal experience, WILL ALWAYS convince me of being a major factor. In fact, the meds I use to take over 15 years ago actually made me hyper and full of more energy than I could handle, believe it or not. Anyway, once that phase settled, I was out like a light. Others I'm sure will have different responses cause those meds hit each of us differently anyway.

When you typed that he takes naps after work, THAT should raise your very own eyebrow . So uh, LOL, just exactly 'why' do you think he takes naps "after" work? Back in the old days, we'd guess that having to stay awake and focused through work would be the likely culprit. ;D

I'd keep in mind that it could likely be a combo of these things too. It just doesn't sound like anything serious or worth going to the doc for unless there's more you need to tell us. Remember, women get pretty tired from things non-sex related just as easily...number one cause being the children I believe.

I'd let him rest as much as he needs and just simply catch him when he is fully ready. Your needs AND his needs are important. If he is cuddly with you and hangs out with YOU all the time, then you already have so much more out of your relationship than many couples do regardless the sex issue...keep that in mind too.

Hope the replies will help ya.

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:01am
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!!! I know I shouldn't get worked up.. but I guess the main issue is a trust thing here.... basically do I believe him that he's always tired????... HE can be tired all time... as long as thats the reason and not some other excuse...my main concern is that I dont know if i believe the "tired"... b/c it is likely..as he is a guy.. that he could very well be getting it from someone else to induce this "tiredness"...or... he could very well be insecure that he hasnt given me an orgasm and this is making him uncomfortable towards me sexually.... So to sum up... I don't think I believe him that he's tired b/c he's tired.... I kinda think it's something else.. maybe another lady ;) or maybe its me he feels awkward around... I just feel all kinds of insecure right now.. and don't even really wanna see him bc I dont wanna put myself in a spot to get disappointed or insecure around him.... sighhhhhh :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:06am
Anxiety meds will more DEFINITELY cause a drop in libido. There are all kinds of different ones, and they affect people differently. My DW switched to a different one, and her libido change was like night and day. And she was less tired.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:31am

I haven't read the other replies yet, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 12:00pm
when the situation came up.. and he couldn't get up and was tired.. i calmly and nicely and HONESTLY explained how it was making me feel... I know that it is important to trust someone... but I just feel when it's only been 2 mths.. trust needs to be earned and demonstrated.... and this sketchy behavior just makes it hard for me to trust someone, esp this early in the relationship... we don't use condoms...we've been tested and I am on BC... but I feel like this is an even bigger reason to show me behaviors and things that will allow trust.... by him always being tired...esp right after he takes a nap and a shower and STILL is tired...it just makes me wonder what the deal is... esp bc we've only been toghter for 2 mths.... I guess I just need to see what happens....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 12:40pm

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bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 1:47pm

I just have to wonder.....you have only two months invested in this "relationship", and you don't trust him, and you're unhappy being with him, so WHY are you staying?

He has his problems, and his age is NOT a factor. If he's 20, how old are you? You have lots to learn about life, men, and relationships. You're throwing all kinds of "monkey wrenches" into the relationship...what's the point? Accusing him of cheating, accusing him of being unhappy because YOU don't have orgasms? Did he ever complain about that? The fact that you don't have orgasms is just one thing that shows that you're not happy in the relationship.

And what is this "hooking up" business? Is there anything else to the relationship besides sex? Do you two go out together? Do you spend time with his friends or your friends? That's what a real "relationship" consists of.....not just sex.

As I said, HE has some problems. Instead of being understanding, and trying to help him figure out what's wrong, you're making crazy accusations, and making it all about YOU. I'm sure that's not very helpful for his "anxieties". Give the guy AND yourself a break. Find someone who can meet your expectations. I don't think he can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 3:29pm

We both are 24 yr old.... I never said I was unhappy...In fact he is everything i want....I am just trying to keep my eyes open and be realstic... All I'm saying is that maybe there is something else going on other then him "being tired" all the time.... yes we cuddle, we go out all the time w/my friends and his friends..... everything else is perfect....It is a "real" relationship... I just feel slightly weird bc lately his has no sexual drive or urge to do anything sexually with me... AND everyone I discuss this with thinks it odd bc its soo early in the relationship, where sexual drive is usually the highest!!! i have discussed this with all my guy friends.. and the reason I am being "crazy" is because they all think he is cheating.... I never accused him in any manner... I discussed it openly and honestly... he told me his side that he's just always tired, and I left it at that.... I started this discussion to see what other people think of the situation.... IF... it is just about being tired... stressed... that is fine... and I am more then willingly to help him through that and any anxieties... but at the same time I feel it is EXTREMELY important NOT to be naive, and just assume that 2mths in a relationship that ALL men are truthful and honest... I feel like thats being naive... esp bc most men seem to cheat right in the beginning of the relationship b/c they think "there's not too much emotional attachment and depth yet"

Since most of the replies tend to be "cut him a break" and help him with "his" problems.... how should I do that??? But I am really suprised tho.. that not many of the replies suggested he's getting it elsewhere... I honestly thought that would be the first assumption! I guess I was wrong !

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 4:16pm

I fully agree with the others....you need to cut him some slack. His problems IMO clearly indicate an emotional disturbance. Possibly excessive pot use or issues with the anxiety or depression or a combination of these. (when I was suffering depression, I could sleep all day) If the issue was cheating, you'd be dealing with situations such as unexplained absenses or phone calls or perfume on his clothing.

How can you help him?

Number one: realise that this is not about YOU. You need to talk to him without making him feel worse. At this stage, the suggestions of cheating or him not being attracted to you are undoubtedly adding to the problem.

Number two: realise that he is the only one who can fix this. It probably means stopping all use of pot and returning to his doctor to have his emotional issues reviewed. If he's not prepared to do this, you can be assured that he has no intention of addressing the issues or helping to fix them. If that's the case, leave him.

Number three: if you can't get past the jealousy or mistrust, break up with him. NOW. Trust issues with a man who is so clearly emotionally disturbed/pot abusing are incredibly unfair on him and exacerbating the problem.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 4:16pm

You didn't really say anything that would make me *think* he might be cheating.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

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