Personal realization

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Personal realization
2
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 10:54pm
I've just come to the realization that I'm only turned on by dominant/submissive sex. I guess this wouldn't be a problem except that I'm the submissive one, but my husband isn't at all dominant. He's caring, thoughtful, and considerate in bed. (Who would have ever thought that this would be a bad thing??) Occasionally, if I ask him, he'll do something like hold my arms down or pin me to the bed if I pretend to "struggle", but that's only if I ask him - and it ends there. Is this wrong of me, to want to be ordered about, spanked, tied up, etc? I'm not sure if he's capable of being dominant. In fact, he prefers ME to be the aggressive one in bed. What we're left with is brief sessions of "nice" sex (preceeded by an hour of me fantasizing about being in a quasi-masochistic situation in order to get myself in the mood). What should I do? I'm not sure we can afford a therapist.




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 3:08am

I don't think that being aroused by being dominated is wrong. To me, wrong is when someone is harmed or their feelings are hurt.

I like dominating in sex, but not outside of it. I believe that husband and wife should both be submissive to each other (and the marriage) in the relationship. But in sex, the dominance and submission are a form of play acting - or they are with me, anyway.

The only helpful suggestion that I have is that you need to really talk this through with your husband. It could be that he will be willing to take the dominant role as long as he understands how much you like it AND that it is only role playing that occurs ONLY within sex. If you start wanting him to dominate you outside of sex, in your daily life, you may wind up with real problems.

A lot of men are fearful of dominating their wife. I know that isn't the message that comes across from watching movies and tv (especially the "women's" network), but I see an awful lot of it. A man will often feel that if he dominates his wife, if he puts her in a submissive role, that he has failed as a husband, that there is something wrong with him as a man. A man that feels that way about relationships will carry that idea over into sex.

If this is the problem, you are going to have to talk with him, help him to understand how aroused you get from being dominated sexually and find ways for him to do that without making him feel like he is scum.

Good luck, and I hope you let us know if you manage to work things out. No details, though, please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 11:19pm

LOL, I promise not to give details. :-) We've spoken and we're going to see if we can get creative with roleplaying. He seems curious but nervous at the same time. Mostly I think it's just that it's so new for both of us and neither of us has any idea where to start. Maybe there's a book we can buy or something to get ideas, I dunno.

Oh, and this would DEFININTELY only be a dominant/submissive situation in bed. We do *not* disrespect each other in this house. A little spice at night (or during a lunch break) is all that's needed here.