Physical Attraction???
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Physical Attraction???
| Mon, 12-26-2005 - 3:31pm |
I have been going out with a girl now for a number of months and have found her to be absolutely wonderful. The girl is laid back, intelligent, caring, giving, attractive, willing to try new things, etc. Basically I cant ask for much more for a person to be with; I am extremely fond of the girl ( : I value sex in a relationship and it is apparent that she does not mind. I also value physical attraction and trying to keep in good shape for my partner. I fear that my dear gf may not value maintaining herself physically (weight) nearly as much as I and this scares me. Yes I know that if you like someone enough it should not matter but to me IT DOES MATTER! I want to be with someone who I can be both mentally and physically attracted to throughout the years if we should stay together. I am not a physically large guy and seek someone who is of similar size so that we may be better compatible physically/ sexually. I want to remain active and in shape for her. How can I get her to do the same for me without seeming mean?

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IMO, it's more important that if she wants to stay in shape, she does it for herself first.
My DH and I have the same attitude as you. We both take good care of ourselves and know that our partner will do the same.
However, we both have these values instinctively. I was raised by parents who have always looked after themselves (they are now in their 60's and still walk daily + eat sensibly) so fat acceptance was never part of the equation for me.
If your partner does not instinctively take care of her weight, there is probably nothing you can do to change her. The only changes that can be made are of yourself: either accept her for how she is or move on.
I'd suggest some good open conversation, to see where she stands on the subject.
>>And just because she's not the athletic type, don't assume that being physically healthy isn't important to her<<
Very true. I talk of staying fit, eating healthily and of my parents' role modelling...but none of us are 'athletic'. Walking and swimming is the most athletic we get. And regarding my own body, I may be slim, but I'm certainly not 'toned'.
I may be slim, but I'm certainly not 'toned'.
Exactly!
I think that you will have to "probe" a bit further. Over a period of time I think that you can talk to her and have a conversation where you can find out how much she values "physical fitness" and being "slim". Even if she meets your criteria, there is nothing to say that in 5 or ten years time, she doesn't become a fattie for any number of reasons.
Honestly, I don't think that you can ever be sure. If you value it highly then you have to find someone that values it as much as you do, and then you have to have a bit of luck along the way too. Sometimes there are situations where a person cannot help putting on a bit of extra weight and find themselves less active than they used to be.
>>How can I get her to do the same for me without seeming mean?<<
You can't unless she is already doing it.
Tish,
Thanks for your input in most all my questions. I don't know...Regarding physical attraction and being in shape I just think it says something about a person who goes out of their way to look good for themselves and others y'no? I am not saying I am perfect or anything but I want to look good to me and to the person I am with. It seems crazy to me that someone in a relationship would go out of their way to try to stay fit and "sexy" while the other just lets themself go; just odd. I dont necessarily want to dictate change to someone but at the same time must look out for what I am attracted to as well. If its gonna be a long term thing I must factor everything in. My issue is that she is such a great girl in other aspects that I would hate to make a decision based on the physical only. If I could try to somehow get her to make a strong committed effort to stay physically compatible with me then I would feel more comfortable. Sex and physical attraction are important and I want to enjoy that with however I am with. I would have a hard time being attracted to someone who just let themselves go. To me it says something negative about them somehow; that they dont care. I understand that there are circumstances where people cannot help what happens to them in life such as a debilitating illness etc. but when a person has control and is physically able then I have an issue. I have nothing against people who may not be lean, its just not something I am personally attracted to. I dont want to seem like an SOB in this but its what i'm feeling.
Edited 12/29/2005 1:29 pm ET by flyguy2004
< something negative about them somehow; that they don't care>>
Have you thought of telling her just what you've said here? It has it all. That you care for her, that you couldn't ask for anything more in a woman but you fear she may not be as dedicated to maintaining her weight for herself and you as you are for yourself and her. It adds that you could see yourself in a long time relationship with her but it also lets her know that you prefer someone in shape. You really want that someone to be her, but that is up to her and how dedicated she is to maintaining herself.
Doing it together is always good. To be her coach, partner, trainer, etc. And a big plus is it's something you would do together and share.
I'd hate to see you loose someone who is otherwise all you could ask for, esp. when someday the beauty fades, the body withers and all that's really left is character, personality, spirit etc.
I would be very interested in knowing if you were able to find a way to address this with her and the out come. Please come back and let us know.
Like Tish I like to keep myself in good shape, and my partner appreciates it. He also likes to keep himself in good shape, and I appreciate that. We talked about this a few weeks ago, and both agreed that if one thinks the other one is getting lazy and letting themselves go, then they are free to say something about it.
If I am wearing something and I ask for my partner's opinion of it, then I expect him to be honest about it.
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