Physical Attraction???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Physical Attraction???
20
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 3:31pm
I have been going out with a girl now for a number of months and have found her to be absolutely wonderful. The girl is laid back, intelligent, caring, giving, attractive, willing to try new things, etc. Basically I cant ask for much more for a person to be with; I am extremely fond of the girl ( : I value sex in a relationship and it is apparent that she does not mind. I also value physical attraction and trying to keep in good shape for my partner. I fear that my dear gf may not value maintaining herself physically (weight) nearly as much as I and this scares me. Yes I know that if you like someone enough it should not matter but to me IT DOES MATTER! I want to be with someone who I can be both mentally and physically attracted to throughout the years if we should stay together. I am not a physically large guy and seek someone who is of similar size so that we may be better compatible physically/ sexually. I want to remain active and in shape for her. How can I get her to do the same for me without seeming mean?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:04pm
I don't think that most people ever risk suddenly "letting themselves go". Either you work at keeping in physical shape, or you have a body type that naturally keeps you in shape without a lot of work. Weeding out those that don't keep themselves in great shape is easy - they're not going to be in peak shape now. You don't just cruise along for most of your life doing nothing and looking great and then suddenly just up-and-letting-yourself-go and getting fat. I think that you are thinking too hard about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 12:48pm
I have had a few girlfriends in the past who maintained their weight very well in the early stages of the relationship and after a while being comfortable just "let things go" rather quickly. I feel its almost like they made an effort to look good to catch someone's eye and then just quit when they had someone; false advertising. I had a previous girlfriend who told me that weight no longer mattered to her after being with a guy for some time; that she would gain weight because looks would no longer matter. Its kinda like the spouse who just gives up on their personal upkeep following marriage because now they are locked down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 2:04pm
I think you should let her go and allow her to find someone who values a woman who is "laid back, intelligent, caring, giving, attractive, willing to try new things, etc" while you find someone whose fitness ideals are more in line with yours. I don't see how you can reasonably expect that someone will always stay in perfect shape just because you want her to. And there's no guarantee that *you* will always maintain a perfect physique either. Bodies change over the years, humans acquire lumps, bumps, scars, and sometimes weight. If you can't enjoy your relationship for fear that she will not stay slender, time to pull up anchor and move on. There is a man out there who would love her for what she is.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:15pm
Couldn't agree with Tally more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 6:18am
There is no guarantee of any kind that someone who is slim and fit now will remain that way for life. Just look at articles or documentaries of athletes who were at the peak of physical fitness for years, and in their later years they have often put on weight, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 5:31pm
I have to ask this, seeing as physical attraction is so important for you. If your partner was in an accident, and suffered permanent disfigurement to her body, would you still feel the same way about her? It would be a physical problem, just like weight gain is. You can't expect every aspect of your relationship to be perfect, because that's unrealistic. You have to either accept her for how she is, or move on.

 


 


Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:07am

"Lockdown?" Uh....you have heard of cheating and divorce, haven't you?

No one is locked into marriage. If they become unhappy with their spouse, for some reason, then they're free to leave.

And of course, it's just as likely to be the husband who stops taking care of himself as the wife.




Edited 1/3/2006 2:09 am ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 12:00pm

I just wanted to add that it very possibly could be that she doesn't realize how important her physical appearance is to you or what it means to you, tells others and you. I think for men, say the guys girlfriend or wife gains a lot of weight, other guys think less of the bf or dh. The way they perceive the woman in the guys life directly effects the way they perceive the guy himself and the way the guy himself sees himself and it effects his pride, selfimage, respect, perhaps even value, etc.
Everyone has their own tastes and things that are and aren't important to them. To some guys it doesn't matter that a woman is overweight, he prefers heavy women. He therefore has no problem with it and suffers no negative feelings or images. Other men know or find out he prefers his women heavy and they may not share his preference, but since it's his preference, he has what he wants and they perceive no negative image about this guy or pitty him etc.
But the guy who everyone knows takes steps and is disciplined to being fit and wants his mate that way too, not only is seen by others as lacking or even pittied, but he may feel that her lack of care shows him she doesn't care for his feelings, needs, etc., that he isn't important enough to her to keep in shape which can effect his own self image, show to him a lack of respect on her part toward him, and be made to feel like he is not valued, etc.
I may be way off here, but this is, to the best of my ability to explain it, how I see it.
I would have to talk to her, explain how important it is to me and if she doesn't want to do it, for herself too, then I'd have to say move on. If fit is your preference you aren't going to be happy with the best in every other field but fit.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 1:11pm
Just what I was fearful of. Now I am being attacked as an uncaring bastard of a guy here. Yes it is true that a guy could not care about his body image as well but that is not in question here because it is not so with me. My issue was with someone who might not take care of themselves physically because they simply do not care to look good for their other half. It just worries me that I might lose my attraction to someone who I find to be a great person based on physical attraction or lack of. I'm sorry but physical attraction is an important aspect of a relationship I would say especially in terms of sexual attraction. My question had nothing to do with a hypothetical scenario in which a person is disfigured or medically cannot stay in shape or "perfect" for whatever reason. This question solely pertains to personal choice.


Edited 1/4/2006 1:15 pm ET by flyguy2004
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 5:43pm

A person you care about should be encouraged to stay as healthy as possible....not just remain slim to be sexy to you. Wrong focus. Healthy does not equal "unchanged."

We all change as we age, there's nothing you can do about that. No one remains perpetually slim and youthful, no matter how well you take care of yourself. Our bodies and faces change regardless.

A man or woman could remain the same weight for their entire lives but because the weight shifts and distributes differently on the body, they look will still look different, perhaps heavier. A 60 yr. old man or woman can be very fit, trim and attractive, but they still don't look like they used to.

Of course physical attraction is important...particularly in the beginning when building a relationship but it has to be based on more than that. Maybe you should concentrate on seeing the beauty and sexuality within the person rather than worrying about losing your attraction to the always changing exterior. A few pounds either way should not have that much control over your attraction though.

In any case, if you attempt to box a person into an expectation that is so restrictive and stifling, then you will likely lose her before you lose your attraction anyway.

When you truly love someone, it's easy to forgive their faults, real or perceived, and forgive them for not being perfect...as if they ever were.




Edited 1/4/2006 5:50 pm ET by katmandoo2001

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