please help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
please help me
5
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 10:39pm
My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years. I know that things change with couples, but do they completely stop?? My husbands job has him gone all week (home on weekends only) and people would think that we'd be all over each other when he gets home, that just doesn't happen. I can't remember the last time we had sex (date wise), but I do remember the last time (mentally). He was trying things that he knows I don't like (anal anything). I've thought that maybe he's seeing someone while he's away & that's what she likes, but he denies it...saying that he doesn't have time to cheat because he's working.
And since he's tried that anal stuff, I guess I'm just not intrested anymore. Any ideas to help me get back in the mood PLEASE HELP!!!
Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
In reply to: seaster06
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 7:29am

Have you talked to him about your sex life, let him know what you want from it and you're not happy with not having sex?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
In reply to: seaster06
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 10:53am

Since you say he knows that you don't like anal stuff but he's trying to push it on you anyway, it sounds more likely that he is angry at you for something and this is his way of getting back at you rather then he's having an affair and his mistress likes anal... because I find it hard to believe that he'd just *forget* that you don't like anal. Was your sex life as boring and infrequent even before he tried the anal on you and if so, is there a chance that he was maybe subconsciously angry at you because of lack of sex and was trying to push you into the anal to get back at you... kinda like a tit-for-tat thing? (no pun intended).

I think you need to sit down and talk to him about the whole thing... not only why your sex life is slow and how you guys can spice it up but also why he tried to push you into anal things when he knows you don't like it. You should really speak up about that and tell him that it was very disrespectful and just plain wrong to do that when he knows you don't like it and that it has put you off having sex with him ever since. Hopefully if you get a sincere apology and a promise never to do it again you will feel more comfortable getting back in bed with him. Once you do, you two can talk about how you want to spice things up. If you need ideas, there is a wealth of information on the internet and in books on sex ideas you can explore. Just make sure he remembers his promise to respect your boundries!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: seaster06
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:15am

Like Tish, I would suggest an honest heart to heart. And perhaps, couples counseling.

You have to be honest about your feelings and let him know that you feel disrespected when he continues to push the subject knowing how you feel about it.

Resentment and anger can completely destroy intimacy in a relationship so you should deal with these issues before you can't repair the damage.

BUT, when you marry, you also know that compromise is a necessity. Now, I'm not saying that you should submit to his pressure for anal sex, not at all, just listen to his point of view and try to remember that it's as valid as yours.

IF you have never tried anal, than you might want to give it a try once and then decide. If you've had a bad experience in the past, then another try with some established boundaries in place and plenty of foreplay, etc. might make a difference. If this is a personal or moral boundary for you, than he will have to accept your decision not to do it and honor it by NOT pressuring you to do it.

No one gets everything they want from their partner though and shouldn't expect to.




Edited 4/10/2006 11:17 am ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: seaster06
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 5:58pm
Another way of looking at the anal thing might be that it was a misguided attempt that he made to try and "spice things up" and kick start some interest in sex. If you are complaining about lack of sex you can be pretty sure that he has noticed it and is probably unhappy about it too. While absence can make the heart grow fonder and the loins more bold, it can work the other way too - you can get used to not having sex and loose interest in it when the opportunity presents itself.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: seaster06
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 6:16pm
The only problem with that argument, Westie, is that he KNOWS that she doesn't like anal. So, why would he try and "spice things up" by suggesting something he knows she has no interest in? At the very least, she will be annoyed that he's pressuring her to do it despite knowing that. Not likely the reaction he would be aiming for.