Please Help! Should I do it?
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| Mon, 05-21-2007 - 1:02pm |
Hi, this is my first time posting... Background: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, we have known each other for almost two and we have a healthy and loving relationship. Sex of course is a large part of our relationship. We like to have fun with it and we have experimented with things such as bondage. The Crisis: Recently, my boyfriend and I were "having our fun" when I expressed to him that I wanted to fulfill his fantasies. Then I asked him what some of his fantasies were. In short, he said that he wanted to watch me "with" another man. I didn't know what to expect when I asked him, but this truly shocked me! He is a jealous person - as am I - and I would never expect that to be what would turn him on. He said that he imagines it sometimes. Ever since that night, the subject has been coming up quite often. He said that he wants to see me doing it; he wants to see me being naughty. He suggested his roommate/best friend because he trusts him and he is attractive. I have expressed some of my concerns to him. I worry that he would have that image embedded in his brain and that it would drive him crazy because of his jealousy. I worry that other people would find out. I spend a lot of time at there house of course and I am afraid that it would make things awkward. However, we both agreed that if it wasn't him we would have to find someone else that we didn't know as well or even at all, and that would make it more uncomfortable.
I love him and I only want to be with him, but he wants to watch me with someone else. I want to fulfill his desires, but I'm not sure how I could do this, or how I would act. I do admit that it has made me curious though. I think there is a chance that I might like it if he were watching me. It might be exciting. But I just don't understand how the want to see me having sex, being pleasured and giving pleasure could bypass his jealousy. I'm so confused. Please help!

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Welcome to the board china_doll_goddess.
It is a fairly common fantasy that men have -- to watch their SO with another man. Many people recommend that you do not include friends in this kind of play if you are going to do it at all. It can put a strain on the friendship, and on your relationship.
If you are interested and totally comfortable with opening your relationship up this way, that's fine -- but if you have any hesitation, you should wait. Most couples spend a lot of time discussing this sort of scenario and settling on rules prior to engaging in such play.
If you would like to talk with others that have experienced such situations, you might want to visit the "Open Relationships" folder on the Taboos board. Here's the link:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rltaboos
Let us know what you decide.
my partner in the siggy exchange
China Doll, I am a guy and frankly I do not understand that fantasy although I am sure some guys do have it. As a middle ground, have you masterbated in front of him without letting him touch you. Maybe that would satisfy the "I want to watch" element without interjecting another person. I think the issues you raise about finding somebody are all good reasons for thinking long and hard about it.
C
There are several places you can find people who are interested in the type of play you are considering. Several on-line dating sites are available as well as swinger sites. There are also swinger clubs in most big cities. I don't have an open relationship, but I do know of sites like adultfriendfinder.com and lavalife.com that I have seen mentioned on the boards here.
As far as being sure they are "safe", I think you have to put a lot of trust into them. I would definitely practice safe sex habits, and meet with the prospective candidate prior to planning your event.
I know that the adultfriendfinder site has a lot of local groups that do meet and greets. That way, people can meet in a public place as many times as they like before hooking up.
I would still check out the Open Relationship board. I have only heard of sites, and look at them from curiosity -- it's not something that I have first hand experience with. The folks there do, so they may have other recommendations for meeting people as well.
my partner in the siggy exchange
Most "fantasies" are best left as fantasies. There are two of you in the relationship, and it's nice of you to try to please him, but where do YOUR feelings come into the relationship? You're unsure, and the best advise is that if you're in doubt, don't!
You say he's jealous (and probably for no reason.....because jealousy is just insecurity) then what will happen if you seem to enjoy it too much? He will be all over you about it.
It may be his fantasy, but it's not yours, and it's time you stand up for yourself, and tell him no. Personally, I think there's something wrong with someone who wants to share their loved one sexually with another person. I wouldn't do it, and if I was pushed or harassed about it, the relationship would end.
I agree...
Curiosity killed the cat, and in this case most probably the relationship.
I personally would take offence to such a request. I too, can’t fathom how someone that claims to "love" you would want to share you with someone else for the sake of exploring a fantasy. Surely there are so many other ways to add spice without the introduction of others.
Hi welcome!
I understand your concern and It's a good one to have.
Remember jealousy will always be there if it's there to
begin with. Not to mention the other emotions that
would fall in place after an act like this. I could
personally NEVER EVER do it or allow the thought to enter
my mind. I had never heard of such a fantasy until theses
boards. But as one man put it. He really enjoyed the fantasy
but never really expected it to happen. Another fantasy that
lots of couples have and do is they like to watch there SO
masturbate with a toy and imagine another man in the room.
That seems to satisfy them. I would do that any day before
I let some one else in our beautiful relationship.
Pleasure and love are to very different things.
If he loves you then he will understand if you decide not
to do it.
It is just a fantasy so far and I would leave it
at that and close the door that (will open many other doors).
Please think about that.
Kareese.
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