PLS I REALLY NEED HELP WITH THIS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
PLS I REALLY NEED HELP WITH THIS
10
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 2:40am

I love my hubby, we've been together for the last 6 years i am 27 going to 28 this month, but I have no clue what sex is all about! been sexually active for 7years but all through i have never enjoyed sex. Let's not even go as far as orgasm, all I feel is pain both at the entrance and inside (and i'm not talking about him hitting the cervix) i mean on the walls of the vagina. I feel like someone is scratching with a rough object. The days I don't feel that (which is rare), I feel nothing, no sensation at all though i feel him inside me. I get aroused all through; there's foreplay, and I get lubricated, infact a lot, but i have never ever fealt anything positive. This happens with or without using a condom.

I have seen afew gynaecologysts but they all say that I am fine physically, so they don't understand what the problem is. That worries me a lot because it means there's no hope! I don't have kids yet. so I don't know what to blame it on. He is not too large for me and repeat I get lubricated some times too much.

Please anyone out there who has any sort of advise, pls respond, I will highly appreciate, even if u have the same problem i wanna know coz i want to feel that i am not alone. This thing has done a lot of damage to my self esteem and worse, I feel my dh might give up on me with time. sorry for the long post

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 6:52am

To me it sounds like you're not as well lubricated as you think you are or even if you are lubricated enough during foreplay, it quickly dries up during intercourse because you're not enjoying it. Natural lubrication does dry very quickly, at least much more quickly then bottled lubrication. That "scratchy feeling with something rough" sounds exactly like a lack of enough lubrication. Also, I'm sure the fact that you're probably now anticipating the pain contributes to drying you up as well.

The times you are well lubricated during intercourse are the times you "feel no sensation at all". Remember, MOST woman can't orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone, it's only normal that compared to forplay, actual intercourse isn't as great for you. Clearly you need clitorial stimulation to enjoy yourself. You said "Let's not even go as far as orgasm" and you say there's foreplay but does this mean you haven't even orgasmed from foreplay? Have the two of you never had "sex" without actual intercourse (ie, getting each other off without actual intercourse)? If not, then the two of you need to dedicate more time to NOT having intercourse and focusing on everything except it because sex is about more then just intercourse... if it always ends in intercourse then I'm not surprised you're not orgasming.

Also buy a bottle of lubrication and maybe even try some toys you two can use to stimulate your clitoris during intercourse, my fiance and I have a few if you'd like suggestions.




Edited 5/11/2006 6:54 am ET by ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 8:30am
One word, Astroglide. It a very good lube.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 8:33am

You started out by saying that you have no clue what sex is about. I think you're right on that, and I also think your husband doesn't have a clue either. There is a LOT more to sex than intercourse.....and it sounds like you both think that intercourse is IT...and it's far from IT.....intercourse is only a small part of sex.....and for most women, far from the most important part. Many men, on the other hand, can and will head straight for intercourse if you let them. That's fine for them, but doesn't do much for most women. (And you can't blame them if they don't KNOW what they're supposed to do!)

Most women (at least 80%) don't have orgasms from intercourse alone. That's because there is little or no feeling inside the vagina. The vagina isn't your main sexual organ.....the clitoris is. Your clitoris is comparable to your husband's penis...in fact there are MORE nerve endings in the clitoris than there are in the penis. Any pain you feel during intercourse is from the opening more than the inside of the vagina. You say you're well lubricated, but if you've never been properly aroused with lots of clitoral stimulation, you may be wrong about that. It may FEEL wet, but it's not wet enough for the friction of intercourse.

Have you ever masturbated? Have you ever explored your own body? Put a little lubrication on your fingers, and gently stimulate your clitoris. You'll feel something there for sure. That is the same as foreplay, and that's what your husband should be doing to get you aroused. With the proper foreplay (oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris) most women will have orgasms from that long before they get to intercourse.

The fact that you've not gotten pregnant has nothing to do with whether or not you enjoy sex. Women get pregnant from rape! If you're concerned about that, then you should be seeing a fertility doctor, not a gynecologist. All pregnancy takes is one sperm to meet one ovum, and fertilize it. If you've been having sex without a condom for more than a year, then there could be something else wrong.....but it's got nothing to do with enjoying sex. A fertility doctor can check both you and your husband to see if there's anything wrong, like ovulation problems, or sperm problems.

I think that both you and your husband need to learn more about a woman's body, and a woman's sexual response. A good website that explains everything you both need to know is www.the-clitoris.com Sex should be pleasure, and if it's not, then you need to learn what you're doing wrong, and how to fix it. Your doctor's have assured you that there's nothing wrong with you physically.....but most doctors don't give sex instructions, either...that's up to you to learn for yourself. There's nothing wrong with you, you just haven't learned enough about your body to make sex the wonderful, intimate and caring thing that it should be. Good Luck!

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 10:11am

Is there any reason why you might be ambivalent about sex in general? Past abuse? Religious conflicts, etc.?

Could also be vaginismus which is basically painful sex due to hypersensitivity with a mind/body connection. This would require a gyno who is familiar with the problem to diagnose.

You could also have an undiagnosed yeast infection, a vaginal ulcer, etc. There could be any number of reasons for your pain.

Also, it sounds like you enjoy foreplay but if the stimulation that got you aroused stops, then you may begin to dry up or become too sensitive during intercourse.

I would suggest doing some research on the topic of painful intercourse and see what you can find to take to your gyno.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 12:35pm

Could the pain and lack of pregnancy be related to endomitriosis?

I understand that condition can be very painful to the woman, but I'm not sure of where the pain would originate...if it would be more like a menstral cramp pain or an actual vaginal pain.

Just a thought...

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 1:36pm
Probably not. I have endometriosis and the pain with penetration is typically pelvic pain, not vaginal and it's not continuous. Endometrial tissue migrates from the uterus and attaches to other organs in the pelvis and reacts to one's monthly cycles causing pain. Never heard of it outside the pelvis though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 6:13pm

There would be pain at other times than during intercourse, her menstrual cycle could be all screwed up, and I think that one of the three gyno's would have considered the possibilty. So, it's unlikely to be endo.

To the OP:
I think that you have to go back to the basics with this one and proceed, more or less, step by step with the foreplay, and then the intercourse. Kind of like relearning everything and examining what you ARE doing in a different light. Find out what, where and how you are feeling as the "session" progresses. From what you've said, it sounds an awful lot like you are not getting lubricated enough, or drying out. It's possible that you're getting lubricated but trying intercourse before you are fully lubricated. How about something like scratches inside your vagina? Does he use his fingers during foreplay? He isn't scratching you with finger nails or rough handwork, is he?

Did someone post the link to http://www.the-clitoris.com/ ?

That's a pretty good site and has some good information on it.

In the meantime, getting some lube and using it couldn't cause any harm.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 6:29pm

There is no way to diagnose endometriosis though, Westie, other than with exploratory surgery. And then it's about treating the symptoms.

Most gynos will recommend BCP's to control pain & possible bleeding and then, laproscopic surgery is typically the last resort. But it's not as if they can diagnose based on symptoms alone. Too many other problems have the same ones.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 6:58pm
>>There is no way to diagnose endometriosis though, Westie,<<
Well, maybe not conclusively, but my understanding of it is that you can certainly go a long way down the endo-as-a-likely-diagnosis-road before you need exploratory surgery. My partner, whoops..., *DW*, has endo and she's had laproscopic surgery twice.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 7:20pm
As I said, they treat the symptoms, and see what works. But it's still a guessing game. My gyno wanted to put me on BCP's and I declined as I would then be dealing with another set of problems/symptoms. I decided to wait for age/menopause to remedy the problems for me. And it has gotten much better as I've gotten older.