Plus size wife, need advice, please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Plus size wife, need advice, please
2
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 7:02pm
I hope I find some help here, some answers. I've never been thin, but since DH and I were married, 4 years ago, I have gained ALOT of weight. Both of us have. I know we both need to get serious and do something about it, but I am so embarassed having sex, I feel ugly and fat and so undesirable. When we first met, I was about 100 pounds thinner, and although I wasn't rail thin, I looked good and i felt good about myself. A few months ago I also had a hysterectomy and it's hard to describe, but sex scares me, and we've only had sex now twice in the last four months. we're going away next weekend to celebrate our anniversary and i want it to be special, my husband deserves that, how do i get over this, how do i get over feeling so bad about myself and enjoy our time alone together. Any advice? Anyone, i feel stupid needless to say, i just don't feel sexy at all, fat and frumpy is more like it.
thanks in advance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 2:33am

Hi LTG35,

Weight can certainly be a major concern in a society where one is judged by their physical appearance, the number of cars in their garage, etc. I'm sorry you're feeling less-than-sexy, especially as your wedding anniversary approaches.

Please know that weight and intelligence are unrelated, although some of the greatest minds we've known have rested upon some of the more generously-girthed among us (I won't supply a list, but it would be a lengthy one).

One's weight, furthermore, has nothing to do with one's capacity to love or to be loved by others, but for the fact that there exists more with which to experience both.

Your problem is not a weight-related one. I can say this because I know enough people who are considered obese, who are nonetheless quite sexually active, contented and sought-after. What they have in common are healthy levels of self-esteem.

You have a lot more to offer as a human being besides your weight, and I'm certain you're aware of that.

If you're concerned about your weight as a health issue, there are many paths to weight-loss that are available to you. But it's important for you to know that losing weight to 'look better' in order to feel better about yourself works considerably less often than it does not. 'Outside-in' approaches to issues of this nature, in general, rarely stand the test of time.

Therefore, my best advice to you is to work on building your self-esteem and letting the inside take care of the outside. Successes of a more permanent variety are much more likely when one takes an 'inside-out' approach to such issues. In building your self-esteem, you might want to consult with a therapist who can help you identify the issues causing feelings of low self-worth, and establish goals toward achieving positive growth in those areas.

I realize this probably wasn't the answer you wanted to hear, but quick-fix solutions to issues that require time and serious commitment are rarely, if ever, worth the effort.

Best,

E

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 10:05am

In four years you've gained over 100 pounds, and your husband has gained weight too? Hmmmm, what's going on here? Are you two eating all the wrong foods? Are you existing on fast foods rather than cooking healthy meals? There is a reason for all that weight gain.....whether it's just laziness about eating habits, or it's a psychological problem, you have to figure out before you can do anything about it.

You need to stop talking about it, and start doing something about it. Once you get morbidly obese, it's too easy to make excuses about not exercising, and self-medicating yourself with food. It's also very easy for BOTH of you to become diabetic, as obesity is one of the major causes of diabetes in adults/older people.

Ok, I'm sure you know all of the above. Now for the "self esteem" issue. You say your jhusband has gained weight too? Do you look at him in disgust? I'll bet not. So, why would you think he would look at YOU in disgust. He knows what you look like in clothes, and he knows what you look like without clothes......and he loves you, not for your body, but for you. And you feel the same about him.

You had a hysterectomy? That's just the removal of the uterus, and has NO effect on hormones or libido. Depending on what type of surgery you had, it's understandable that you'd be nervous about sex, but rest assured, any type of operation you had is healed by now, and shouldn't cause a problem. Have you had a good physical by your doctor aside from the pre-op testing? The excess weight can cause lots of problems physically. It can mess up your hormones, insulin being one of them, it can play hell with your knees and hips to name just a few things.

As far as your anniversary is concerned, the only thing I can tell you is to stop worrying about how you look, and act on how you feel. The sooner you two start on a good weight loss and exercise program, the sooner you'll feel better about yourself and your life.